A challenge for HL's....
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|Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:00am|
I don't know what it was that struck me about the way he put that - I mean we all spend half our day wondering what the REASON is, so its not like we don't think about this, but maybe there was something about the way he legitimated it: "...they probably have a GOOD reason."
I think with my DH I've always wondered what the REASON was, but I've never given him credit for having a GOOD reason - the reasons I've always come up with were always BAD reasons like:
"He doesn't find me attractive" - BAD reason because I AM attractive and anyway, he married me !
"He is repressed or afraid of something or inhibited or doesn't want to give up control" All BAD reasons - he OUGHT to do something about these defects, if he has them
"He thinks sex is wrong or sinful" BAD reason because it isn't either of these things.
"He doesn't WANT TO WANT.." BAD reason also....
The author also said something like :"For someone to want sex,there has to be something good there to want."
This really made me question myself, because I often complain that our sex is boring and mechanical, but if that's true its also true for him so is it any wonder he doesn't want it? And although I blame HIM for the mechanicalness, and not being THERE during sex, I have to say that even if I'm not responsable for the mechanicalness in terms of the repetitive nature of the PHYSICAL aspects of our sex life, I AM partly responsible for the lack of emotional input, which at the end of the day is really what makes sex feel mechanical.
Now comes the self justification part but its all part of the process... I think in the beginning, I was THERE during sex, and I put myself on the line, but when I didn't get the response I wanted or expected I felt really hurt and rejected and pulled back. This, I suppose, is because I was seeking "other-validated intimacy" as Scharnach would say. I was prepared to disclose myself, but only if he did the same. The lack of what I considered a suitable response made me withdraw. So then I went through a long phase of "you go first" - I was always wanting HIM to demonstrate desire or take a risk emotionally. I might initiate sex, but I was always seeking evidence of his desire and reluctant to reveal myself. if I DID, again, I'd get hurt if he didn't respond the way I hoped for and pull back to lick my wounds.
So now, if he was to be THERE during sex, he might well not find me THERE to be with. And its true he has sort of mentioned this - he has sometimes said: "I'm not really so into sex because for me, it does nothing for me as far as being close to you is concerned. I feel close when we hug, that's when I feel connected to you, but not during sex... so sex is just.....sex."
Again, I always made this into a reflection on him: "You're disconnected from your sexuality! You don't know how to communicate through sex!"... another BAD reason to not want sex.
So now I'm thinking all this is a GOOD reason, and that I have to ensure that I am THERE during sex myself. If he wants to join me, he can. If he doesn't, I should still be THERE when we have sex and not get upset.
So this was my challenge to the HL's - "Does your SO perhaps have a GOOD reason for not wanting more sex?"