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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
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Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:09am

I lost my Grandmother yesterday, and though it was expected it hurts. And all the loss I've experienced in the past few months has forced me to put some things into perspective.

DH and I are great partners, and we both love eachother dearly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:59am
>>Now the complaint (and it isn't as though he's nagging, just pushing to see if growth in the area is possible) is that I don't experience true "sexual passion". Meaning I don't want sex for the sake of sex. And I don't know how to make that happen. When sex isn't a overwhelmingly pleasurable an act, and I don't experience all that excstacy he does, and I don't feel more loved or bonded through sex, how do I become a person who is horny most of the time?<<

I've gotten this same message many times from my DH. He wants me to go to a sex therapist, because he says it's not "normal" for me not connect sex with love and bonding. And that I need "help" for the problem. Since the closest sex therapist is an hour away, and I'd have to take time off from work, and pay for it out of our pocket, I'm disinclined to do that, but think that eventually it will come to that. Another thing for me to try not to resent.

I've got no words of wisdom or advice for you. I'm interested to see what the others come up with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 10:46am

First of all, to tiptoeing, my condolences on your personal loss.

>> I've gotten this same message many times from my DH. He wants me to go to a sex therapist, because he says it's not "normal" for me not connect sex with love and bonding. And that I need "help" for the problem. <<

Coming from an HL who would have thought pretty much the same thing just a few short years ago, even if I wouldn't have had the chutzpah to say it out loud, I think your hubbies are full of sh!t in this regard, probably because they just don't know any better.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 10:52am

I too am sorry to read of your loss.

And I am going to try to refrain from indulging my initial reaction, which is to say that your H is a selfish pig who gives HLs a bad name, and try to offer more constructive comments.

>>>>> it isn't as though he's nagging, just pushing to see if growth in the area is possible <<<<<

So be honest with him. Tell him no growth in possible in this area, at least for now, and that his continuing to push your boundaries is most likely to result in you no longer being able to cheerfully (if not passionately) participate.

Focus him on the risk / reward of his behavior. Yes, it would be great for him if you could learn to be hornier. But remind him that a functioning aphrodesiac (other than testosterone injections) has been the Holy Grail of male attention for millenia, and so far no one has found one. Which means his pushing is far more likely to generate resentment than a "solution". And he shouldn't resent you for not being able to find something that billions of men haven't been able to find despite thousands of years of earnest endeavor.

Tell him he is a big strong man and you are sure he can handle this minor frustration. Certainly more graciously than you imagine he could handle experiencing lots less of your enthuasiastic participation.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 11:30am

I am so sorry for you loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 11:47am

Now the complaint (and it isn't as though he's nagging, just pushing to see if growth in the area is possible)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 12:09pm

...so sorry about your loss...even expected death is met with unexpected grief...I've experienced it first hand...thought for sure that I was "ready" or had prepared myself and blam...not so much...as for your husband, he's expressing his desires that stem from the way he experiences sex...you've gone out of your way to accomadate his experienced expectations...now, it's his turn...he'll have to decide if "its" good enough...if you express yourself with one iota of the clarity to him the way you do one this board, you're on the right communicative track...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 12:39pm

Sorry to hear of your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 3:00pm

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 7:05pm
I am of two minds on this.

Part of me thinks "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". If he enjoys it when you suggest new things, keep suggesting new things.

Part of me thinks, be careful not to mislead him. If he views you "trying new things" as an indication that you have a "passion" for sex. Then he may feel betrayed when he discovers that you were just "pretending" for his benefit. To prevent this, you would have to explain that you are willing to adopt lots of different kinds of behavior if that behavior pleases him, but that should not be confused with changes in your desire for sex. He should not assume that increased experimenting means you have an increased interest. It just means you are dedicated to adopting behaviors that please him.

No idea which is the better strategy. You make your choice and you take your chances.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 11:47pm

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