Children on the Way and Feeling Neglected

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2013
Children on the Way and Feeling Neglected
6
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 12:40pm

Hi Everyone, I'm new here.  I am 5 months pregnant with triplets and I feel like my husband and I are starting to drift apart.  First, a little backstory -  He has recently retired from 20 years in the military and is currently on an extended "vacation" while he tries to find another job (bad timing, right?)  I am a teacher so I have been off all summer and am getting ready to go back to work tomorrow for the new school year.  His hobby is working on cars and currently he is restoring a 1967 mustang, which he keeps over at my parent's house because they have a big garage.  The problem here is that I've been off work for two months and he has left me home alone almost every day, ALL DAY, to work on his car.  In the evenings, he goes and gets on his laptop and looks at craig's list all night to find car parts, read car forums, or whatever.  He is always "exhausted" when he come home (probably legitimately) and is never in the mood for sex or anything else for that matter.  I don't mind being patient and letting him have fun at his hobby, but it consumes his life and I feel like I have been pushed aside.  What really bothers me is the fact that we have three children coming in a few months and soon I probably won't be physically able to be intimate.  Then, the likelihood of spending time together or being intimate after the kids come will probably be slim to none for a long while.  

Whenever we do have sex, it's boring and feels rushed and i get the impression that he's only doing it because it's something I want to do and he's not really enjoying himself.  I have tried to spice things up, but that doesn't seem to work either.  For example, we went to Las Vegas on a vacation in June and I suggested going to a sex shop and cutting loose a little in "Sin City" so we drove around and found one (not too hard in Vegas) and he SAT IN THE CAR while I went inside to look at the toys! Then we got back to the hotel and he got on his iPad and started reading his email!  WTF!?!  Don't get me wrong, he's usually a great guy.  He gets consumed with his hobbies, but he can be very loving when he tries.  I am just concerned because our time alone is quickly coming to an end and it seems like he's just wasting it on some car instead of us spending time together and enjoying each other.  Whenever I suggest we spend more time together he gets an attitute and says that he really wants to finish the car before the children get here.  I understand that, but at the same time I am feeling completely neglected and alone.  He's never around to go look at stuff for the babies and doesn't even seem that excited about the pregnancy.  So that leaves us with very little in common anymore.  He thinks about his car all the time and I think about preparing for the babies.  Makes for difficult conversation sometimes.   When it comes to sex, he really hasn't had a very high libedo for the past couple of years of our marriage (this is our 5th year), but normally it doesn't bother me this much.  I figured that's normal after the first few years.   But now, I just feel like we should be enjoying being together as much as we can in these last few months before our lives do a 360 and he seems totally unconcerned about it.  Even today, on a holiday, I am sitting home alone reading this forum while he spends time with his car. Frown  I will be at work all day starting tomorrow so...  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 2:55pm

Maybe he's scared about having the triplets.  Does he have any other kids from a prior relationship?  Do you?  Since he's said that he wants to finish the car before the babies arrive, maybe he is afraid that he'll have no free time ever (which will be true for a while).  Also some guys are squeamish about having sex w/ a pregnant woman & have to be told that sex won't hurt the baby(ies).

Good luck with the babies.  My exH has triplets in his family--they were nos. 3,4&5 and he was the 6th kid, so his mom had 6 kids w/in 5 yrs. of age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 6:28pm

Thanks for your reply.  You are probably right about him being scared - neither one of us has children from any prior relationships.  I guess it's just his way of dealing with it, but it sucks that we don't make time to do anything together anymore. 

That is crazy about your ex's mom with 6 children under the age of 5!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 6:28pm

Thanks for your reply.  You are probably right about him being scared - neither one of us has children from any prior relationships.  I guess it's just his way of dealing with it, but it sucks that we don't make time to do anything together anymore. 

That is crazy about your ex's mom with 6 children under the age of 5!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-05-2013 - 7:34pm

Oh & after her kids started school, she took in foster children--I guess 6 wasn't enough!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2013
Sat, 09-07-2013 - 12:04am

I have to sorta agree with your other reply. Men can get a little funny weird when it comes to having babies, especially so many at one time. But don't take it to heart. I'm in my second marriage and between both of us we have 5 kids. When my husband starts to get a little stressed, he tends to get to absorbed into his hobby. By the way, his hobby is cars too. It tends to help him work through things in his head, mostly so he don't something the wrong way. He probably also figures he won't get to enjoy the Mustang much after the babies arrive because it's gonna be hard to fit everyonge in it. I find that when Mine gets to far off track, that if I show up and offer to help him with the car that he tends to find it a turn-on. My husband says its nice to find a girl who's not afraid to get greasy. Who knows, maybe it will help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 09-25-2013 - 2:33pm

So when he goes to work on his car...he .leaves the house for this?! It's not at your home he does this?Do you think that he might be seeing someone?I know that no everyone cheats BUT this is NOT the time for him to be distant and selfish when you have 3 kids coming! Something is up!