choc'lit+cherries+wippin' cream=no sex

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Registered: 03-26-2003
choc'lit+cherries+wippin' cream=no sex
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Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:16pm
Well, I did it and worst nightmare came true.

He came in and saw me and said, "Woman, why do you do this to me?" He came in and went out several times saying that and that allhe wanted was to come home and relax and eat something, he knew that I'd come up with something like this since DS was gone, etc., etc. It was obvious he liked what he saw, I could see it in his eyes and he kept coming back to see like he couldn't believe it. He ate the cherries then brought me a rag to clean up and said he was sorry if he was ruining my fun. Said he was planning on it later anyway.

I got up and cleaned up, put on sweats and a big sweatshirt, trying not to cry, took the sheets off the bed and took them to the washer (got some chocolate on them). He came up and put his arms around me and said sorry again, I just had the timing all wrong. If I had given him time to eat and relax first it would have been fine. I told him my plan had been to surprise him, fix dinner, and eat ice cream over the movie so he could have "his toppings" twice.

He fixed the steaks he went and blew money we didn't have on, ate, I fixed us some ice cream, he didnt want any toppings then either. We watched the movie we rented the other night (if you haven't seen John Q GET IT). Then we went to bed. He tried to initiate, but I was ICE cold. I let him try to work me into the mood, but I couldn't look at him, just stared at the wall. He stopped and asked me what was wrong. I said I was tired of feeling hurt and rejected all the time. That it had taken me MONTHS to get the courage to do that and that made THIS time even worse.

He said he has DREAMED of coming home from work to find me like that, but that in reality I need to wait and let him relax before surprising him. OK, how do I go about putting WHIPPED CREAM on me without him catching on? He said if we go out for a cigarette I can short smoke it and come back in, while he's in the shower (unfortunately, he doesn't take one EVERY night), or even cause a fake tiff and storm off.

I still hadn't heard from my dad who took DS this weekend to see if they made it ok, so when my cell phone rang, I did go to get it. It wasn't my dad, so I came back, expecting to pick up where we left off. Uh-uh. Wasn't going to happen. He starts talking about the war. *sigh*

I listened, then after he was obviously done I tried to kiss him. He got MAD. Said I want it one minute, don't the next, etc. I said, "No, I didn't want it when you started, but I was willing to let you get me in the mood. I'd appreciate that in return every now and then." I said when I came back in the room I was hoping he'd pick up where he left off since he had gotten me out of neutral and at least into first gear. He said he had gone cold while I was out of the room (a whole 3 or 4 seconds, aren't us WOMEN supposed to be the ones who can go cold THAT fast?).

I left the room, then came back a minute later and said, "I feel hurt because you are constantly rejecting me." He said he wasn't going to talk about it. I said we need to, he said no. So, he didn't, I did. I poured my heart out and was able to maintain composure (he gets REAL pissy if I cry). I said I was tired of feeling hurt all the time, yadda yadda yadda.

I slept in DS's room last night and decided I'll be getting the guestroom ready for a guest (me) today.

About 8:00 this morning he came looking for me. He opened DSs door, saw me and shut it. Quietly, but not quietly enough. A few minutes later I got up, went outside for a smoke, then when he came out I went back in. Idiot me I tried it again.

He came in and saw me. I said, "I was thinking maybe we could try again." and said, "You make me sick!"

He left the room and I got up showered, got dressed and left without a word. He called my cell phone, I didn't answer. He called again, I answered and he asked what was wrong with me. I used one of his favorite answers and said, "It should be obvious." He started yelling and said all I wanted was to f*&&..... I hung up. He called back again and asked me where I Was going. Well, we have a fishing tournament tomorrow and he asked me to go get my fishing license today, so I told him I was going there (I was, if I had had ANYWHERE else to go I would not have).

We talked for a little while, then I said, "BTW, it isn't f(*^ing I want, I just want to make love to my husband." He says he thinks I married him for money and sex. Yea, he makes $30,000 a year and I married him for money. Over the course of the convo he said he just doesn't need that much sex, he doesn't want more sex because he's scared of getting me pregnant (I liken that to walking to work instead of driving because you are scared of a wreck, someone can STILL run off the road and hit you!), he has performance anxiety. He says I have told him over and over that his performance is fine, but he doesn't feel like it is. I ask why, because I want you again in a few days? He said that when he came in and found me like I was last night, he felt bad because he didn't know if he'd be able to perform. I asked him what would be wrong with letting me get him in the mood. I asked if that was because he wasn't already in the mood, or was he having physical trouble getting it up. (oops)

He says I haven't yet learned how to read him, how to tell if he's in the mood. IF HE IS HE'S TRYING TO INITIATE WITH ME! I don't have a chance to initiate if he's in the mood. I told him I'm not always in the mood, it seems that way sometimes, but I'm not, but one difference in me is that I'm willing to let him GET me in the mood! He says he can't be pushed into the mood. I said, " I don't want to push you into the mood, I want to PULL you into the mood." He swears it can't be done. I try to tell him we shouldn't have sex only when HE wants it, that we should be able to have sex when EITHER of us want it. The other should be willing and is commanded by GOD to satisfy that desire.

I asked him if he had noticed I hadn't tried to initiate in a while and he said yes and asked why. I said because I was trying to avoid the pain. He said, "You aren't trying to avoid pain?" (just NOW realizing he might have thought I meant physical pain when I said that) I said yes, I was tired of feeling hurt and if I didn't ask he couldn't tell me no and couldn't hurt me.

I can't deal with this much longer. He has absolutely NO concern for my needs, feelings. He's treating me better outside the bedroom which translate into me wanting him more INSIDE it, but then he shows his a$$ in there so bad I don't want to be in there AT ALL!

I'm falling into a serious depression over this. I hadn't really wanted to cross the sex line with my therapist just yet, wanted to get to know him (and him know me) better before going there, but i think it just took center stage. I'm doing better with boundaries now, and he is figuring out I will NOT tolerate him talking to me the way he does.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 3:17pm
Ace, I'm so sorry this is all coming to a head for you. How humiliating, on top of everything else, it must have been for you to have put yourself out there and then get that type of reception. It took alot of guts for you to even try that in the first place.



This statement here causes me to think that he could really care less what you do to try and get him in the mood. It's a completely contradictory statement on his part...first he says he's dreamt of you doing exactly what you did, then in the same breath he says you need to wait and let him relax first. If I were you I'd have lost it. He would have been wearing cherry juice, and not in a good way, either.

Everything he said seemed like an excuse to me, and the fact that he used multiple reasons why NOT to have sex only reinforces that. So which is it? Is he too tired, needs to relax, afraid you're using him for money, or (and this one made me laugh...not at your expense, but at the rediculous notion of it) for sex, that you haven't learned how to read him and know when he's initiating, or that he's afraid of getting you pregnant? I've heard all these, and more, myself, minus the money part, although I'm sure if he ran out of excuses, my BF would use that one too.

A few questions for you...does he understand that this may mean your marriage if not resolved? Does he know you're in therapy, and, if so, is he willing to go as well? How long have you been married? How old is your son? I'm sure you've addressed all this in previous posts, but I'd appreciate it if you'd refresh my memory.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any real advice, I can only sympathize with your situation. So far, though, it sounds as if he's unwilling to work on the situation, and if this is the case, you may need to take a long, hard look at what you want in your life. Don't allow him to break your spirit, it sounds like it's starting to happen already. I know you have a DS, and that makes it more difficult, but you also have a responsibility to him, IMHO, to make sure he knows how to treat women the right way, and that includes intimacy. Although he may not know what is/is not going on behind closed doors, I'm sure he can sense distance between you and your DH outside the bedroom as a result of it, and can probably also sense when you're upset. Sending lots of hugs your way:)

Avatar for debthree
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 3:39pm
OMG Amanda, the man is an idiot.

A selfish jerk with a huge dose of paranoia thrown in for good measure. I'm aware, of course, that I am insulting your husband here but honestly, that is my honest opinion after reading what happened.

What on earth is he thinking? I am stunned, I really am. You went to ALL that trouble to seduce him, to surprise him, to make HIM happy and he throws it all back in your face. I would be very angry too. if I were you.

>>>>>He came in and saw me. I said, "I was thinking maybe we could try again." and said, "You make me sick!" <<<<<

Amanda, this is bordering on abuse. You make him sick because you want to make love to him? This is where his IDIOCY comes in..... any man with more than a handful of brain cells and more than a passing interest in his wife's needs would jump at the idea of sex with you in *that* situation. I think what you did was wonderful and I'm very sad that it all went unappreciated. You see, even if he *does* have a low libido and/or performance issues that is no excuse to treat you with such disrespect. This is about more than libido, this is about disrespect.

>>>>>He says he thinks I married him for money and sex.>>>>>

Paranoia.

>>>>>Over the course of the convo he said he just doesn't need that much sex, he doesn't want more sex because he's scared of getting me pregnant>>>>>

>>>>> he has performance anxiety.>>>>>

Which is it? He keeps changing his mind here? It's time he gave you the truth. I mean sure, performance anxiety is a terrible thing but it does not give him the licence to insult you and reject you in such a callous way. And anyway, is it PA or is it fear of pregnancy or is it lack of interest in sex? He keeps changing his mind.

>>>>>He said that when he came in and found me like I was last night, he felt bad because he didn't know if he'd be able to perform.<<<<<

He felt bad? Geez... in that case why throw more insults at you, why not tell you straight out that he felt bad for not being able to perform or just say "honey I think you're wonderful for making this effort, I'm such a lucky guy but I'm sorry to say, right now I'm not able to have sex." He really and truly needs to learn how to treat you properly.

>>>>>He says I haven't yet learned how to read him, how to tell if he's in the mood. IF HE IS HE'S TRYING TO INITIATE WITH ME! >>>>>

That would be because you're not psychic. None of us are.

>>>>>He says he can't be pushed into the mood. <<<<<

Jeez, so when you try to seduce HIM you are pushing but when he tries to seduce you, he's making love??

>>>>>I can't deal with this much longer. He has absolutely NO concern for my needs, feelings. He's treating me better outside the bedroom which translate into me wanting him more INSIDE it, but then he shows his a$$ in there so bad I don't want to be in there AT ALL! <<<<<

I can understand. Follow your instincts. If I were you I wouldn't even try anymore with him. At least not for a long while. I'm not suggesting you leave, I'm just suggesting that you look after *your* needs for a while and stop making so much effort in the bedroom. He needs to work hard at getting his cr*p together and giving you some honest answers. If you keep doing what you're doing you're gonna give him every excuse he needs to avoid working on his issues (of which he appears to have many!). In other words you will enable his bad behaviour.

>>>>>I'm falling into a serious depression over this. I hadn't really wanted to cross the sex line with my therapist just yet, wanted to get to know him (and him know me) better before going there, but i think it just took center stag<<<<<

Absolutely... tell the therapist a.s.a.p

So sorry to hear this. But it's time you stood up for yourself and demanded answers. Stop *giving* until he has the decency to receive with good grace and respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 3:47pm
"A few questions for you...does he understand that this may mean your marriage if not resolved?"

Not yet. I don't believe ultimatums work and won't give him an ultimatum. Maybe now that I'm moving to the guestroom he'll start to get the hint. I posted this on another board, too, and someone there thinks he is concerned about the marriage working (but is shortsighted) since he called after I walked out.

Does he know you're in therapy, and, if so, is he willing to go as well?

He knows, but no, he won't go. He says we have to work out our own issues on our own, and no one else's advice is going to work, no "program" (ie Marriage Builders) is going to work. We met with the pastor that married us (and his wife) and Greg says everything they told us is only what they have found that works for them, and it doesn't mean it will work for us. But what they said, and what I've read on Marriage Builders, Men are From Mars, etc., all seems to be the same line of thinking. Communication and meeting each others needs.

How long have you been married?

9 1/2 long, painful months.

How old is your son?

He's 7, but not my H's son by blood. He, at times, will get offended if someone points that out. In his mind my son is his as much as he is mine.

Hmm, me and my son both are possessions to him. Great.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:10pm
Why am I getting a crazy urge to be in sundaes EVERY NIGHT just to torture him? And if it were to actually work let him get all worked up then go to the shower and off to MY bedroom. Why am I suddenly wanting him to experience the pain I've been feeling? Why do I also feel guilty for wanting to cause him pain? I'm moving out of the bedroom, that's certain, but if it hurts him (one week I was asleep when he got home everynight and he said THAT hurt him! I wasn't really asleep, only faking because then when HE didn't initiate it wouldn't hurt as badly) I'm going to feel bad. I get no satisfaction out of hurting him!

>>>Amanda, this is bordering on abuse.<<<

Therapist has already confirmed emotional abuse. In AND out of the bedroom. That has been better lately which is what helped me get the courage to do this last night.

>>> any man with more than a handful of brain cells and more than a passing interest in his wife's needs would jump at the idea of sex with you in *that* situation.<<<

Seems to me any 27 year old man would EXCEPT mine. But hey, maybe that mental picture will stick with him anyway and help some. As always, not holding my breath.

>>>This is about more than libido, this is about disrespect. <<<<

Yes, for quite some time now I have been thinking his libido isn't really low, just his control issues are just that high! It's one way of many he can and does hurt me. The issue that hurts me second worst would be my dogs. I have German Shepherds, 2 of them at the moment. They always have been housedogs, even when we lived together before marriage. Before the wedding we looked at doggie doors, doggie beds, etc., but after I do he pulls a 180. NO DOGS INSIDE. I had made a promise to my son before he came along, his puppy (the puppy we were keeping from my last litter) could sleep in his room. Well, now we have 2 CATS (I HATE cats!) so he can have a pet sleeping in his room since H stole that promise from me and broke it. All that and I have ethical problems with "yard dogs" too. I simply believe they deserve a much better life than being "yard dogs" ESPECIALLY dogs who were raised inside and had always been inside.

>>>Which is it? He keeps changing his mind here? It's time he gave you the truth. <<<

And you haven't heard the worst of the excuses he's used from time to time. The one that hurt me the most was he told me that while he was in the Navy there was a 6 month period where he just HAD TO HAVE IT no matter where it came from, then after that 6 months he lost all interest in sex for a while. He didn't want to lose all desire for me. Then, he added, that said, I was only #13. AH! Like I even WANTED to know that! I so want to ask him why those insignificant women in his past got better sex from him than I do! I'm his WIFE for crying out loud!

>>>He felt bad? Geez... in that case why throw more insults at you, why not tell you straight out that he felt bad for not being able to perform<<<

Because he's an insensitive louse! He doesn't care that he is hurting me with the rejection, much less what he says!

>>>If I were you I wouldn't even try anymore with him.<<<

I don't know when I'll ever have the nerve to try again. Not after TWO complete and utter failures like that! At least he noticed I had stopped trying recently, or if he didn't notice on his own, I pointed it out and he knows now and will recognize it this time. At this point I think I could CERTAINLY tell him no. Part of me still wants him, but that part of me that wants to be repulsed by him is growing steadily stronger.

I sure hope me moving to another bedroom provides the shock therapy he needs. I don't want to leave for real, but it looks like it may just come to that.

Amanda

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:11pm
I'm not sure I see anything to work out here. He's disrespectful, insulting, verbally abusive, and controlling. What are his good points? That one remark alone, you married him for his money and sex, says everything to me about what he thinks of women in general. Ain't nothin gonna change here, that's the kind of man he is. I'm sorry, but he's using you to take his anger and dislike of women out on. It's all a mindf**k.

Your son is more than old enough to pick up how to treat women this way, and the fact that it's his mom being treated like this can lead to lots of relationship problems for him in the future. This man is no role model to have your son around.

I know it's hard, but you need to get yourself out of this before you are so depressed you can't. Ask yourself what you've done to deserve this kind of treatment, and I KNOW your answer is going to be NOTHING! So don't put up with it, I don't see anything that is fixable here. The only reason men like this get away with it, is because women will put up with it, don't. And I don't mean an ulimatium (sp?) where you give him a chance to change, I mean a, "this crap is over buddy and don't let the door hit you in the A$$".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:36pm
He does have his good points or else I'd be long gone.

And I meant to say this in another reply, but last night and today were the first time I picked up on ANY compassion for my pain. I think my not being very responsive last night might have jolted him, but then, I saw it before that happened too. He would normally hurt me then act like it never happened, but he acknowledged my pain this time. He didn't validate it, but he did acknowledge that he hurt me.

Amanda

Avatar for debthree
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:04pm
Amanda, I feel compelled to comment on the dog situation. I feel so sorry for your son having to adjust to having his much-loved pet outside when he was promised the dogs would be inside. Please stand up for yourself. They are *your* dogs and your home is not your DH's alone, it's yours too! You have rights here.... please exercise them.... TELL your DH that from now on the dogs sleep inside, as discussed before marriage. They are your pets, you love them and it is cruel to make them adjust to life outside when they are accustomed to sleeping inside. Anyway, the point is, you need to stop allowing this man to control you - not just in the bedroom but in all areas. Start by being assertive about the pets. Bring them in tonight and do not stand by when your DH attempts to put them out. Children remember promises (especially broken ones) and your son will, unfortunately, think that his needs don't matter and that you're putting your husband before him. You and he were a family before you and your DH got together so it's not fair that your son should have to suffer here.

As for your urge to "be in sundaes" every night, lol, best leave that particular urge untapped I'd say. What's that old saying? "The best revenge is living well". LIVE WELL Amanda... do what YOU need to do for you and your son, do what makes you happy and stop letting this man abuse you and put you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:13pm
>>>Please stand up for yourself. They are *your* dogs and your home is not your DH's alone, it's yours too! You have rights here.... please exercise them.... TELL your DH that from now on the dogs sleep inside, as discussed before marriage. <<<

I have wondered on more than one occasion if maybe that is exactly what he wants me to do, stand up for myself. Early in our relationship I had a false bravado about myself and wouldn't have taken crap from anybody. Maybe this is one of the resentments he has about how I have changed.

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:08pm
I agree with deb on the dog situation. The way a person treats animals tells alot about their character. Plus, I have a dog myself, and I know that if my BF and I called it quits and another man came in trying to put her out, we'd definitly have some words. Maybe you should make HIM sleep outside for the night and see how HE likes it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:12pm
He has you breaking your once firm boundaries and "bending over trying to please him" as well as "trying to figure out what he wants" which kills your once strong spirit. I would let the dogs in just to see how far he pushes you. See if you can enforce or restore your broken boundaries here. You know you have more problems than just the sex issue here. Maybe your love for him and your brains can overcome them. I hope so. Can you write down where you want your boundaries to be? And get your life going happily without trying every day to please him. Tomorrow, just for an experiment, just please yourself, your son, and your dogs. Kind of ignore the confused husband of yours.....don't try to feed him, wash his clothes or otherwise do for him. Just an idea to break out of the dance you are in...may not work. but it could lead to some kind of change.

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