choc'lit+cherries+wippin' cream=no sex
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|Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:16pm|
He came in and saw me and said, "Woman, why do you do this to me?" He came in and went out several times saying that and that allhe wanted was to come home and relax and eat something, he knew that I'd come up with something like this since DS was gone, etc., etc. It was obvious he liked what he saw, I could see it in his eyes and he kept coming back to see like he couldn't believe it. He ate the cherries then brought me a rag to clean up and said he was sorry if he was ruining my fun. Said he was planning on it later anyway.
I got up and cleaned up, put on sweats and a big sweatshirt, trying not to cry, took the sheets off the bed and took them to the washer (got some chocolate on them). He came up and put his arms around me and said sorry again, I just had the timing all wrong. If I had given him time to eat and relax first it would have been fine. I told him my plan had been to surprise him, fix dinner, and eat ice cream over the movie so he could have "his toppings" twice.
He fixed the steaks he went and blew money we didn't have on, ate, I fixed us some ice cream, he didnt want any toppings then either. We watched the movie we rented the other night (if you haven't seen John Q GET IT). Then we went to bed. He tried to initiate, but I was ICE cold. I let him try to work me into the mood, but I couldn't look at him, just stared at the wall. He stopped and asked me what was wrong. I said I was tired of feeling hurt and rejected all the time. That it had taken me MONTHS to get the courage to do that and that made THIS time even worse.
He said he has DREAMED of coming home from work to find me like that, but that in reality I need to wait and let him relax before surprising him. OK, how do I go about putting WHIPPED CREAM on me without him catching on? He said if we go out for a cigarette I can short smoke it and come back in, while he's in the shower (unfortunately, he doesn't take one EVERY night), or even cause a fake tiff and storm off.
I still hadn't heard from my dad who took DS this weekend to see if they made it ok, so when my cell phone rang, I did go to get it. It wasn't my dad, so I came back, expecting to pick up where we left off. Uh-uh. Wasn't going to happen. He starts talking about the war. *sigh*
I listened, then after he was obviously done I tried to kiss him. He got MAD. Said I want it one minute, don't the next, etc. I said, "No, I didn't want it when you started, but I was willing to let you get me in the mood. I'd appreciate that in return every now and then." I said when I came back in the room I was hoping he'd pick up where he left off since he had gotten me out of neutral and at least into first gear. He said he had gone cold while I was out of the room (a whole 3 or 4 seconds, aren't us WOMEN supposed to be the ones who can go cold THAT fast?).
I left the room, then came back a minute later and said, "I feel hurt because you are constantly rejecting me." He said he wasn't going to talk about it. I said we need to, he said no. So, he didn't, I did. I poured my heart out and was able to maintain composure (he gets REAL pissy if I cry). I said I was tired of feeling hurt all the time, yadda yadda yadda.
I slept in DS's room last night and decided I'll be getting the guestroom ready for a guest (me) today.
About 8:00 this morning he came looking for me. He opened DSs door, saw me and shut it. Quietly, but not quietly enough. A few minutes later I got up, went outside for a smoke, then when he came out I went back in. Idiot me I tried it again.
He came in and saw me. I said, "I was thinking maybe we could try again." and said, "You make me sick!"
He left the room and I got up showered, got dressed and left without a word. He called my cell phone, I didn't answer. He called again, I answered and he asked what was wrong with me. I used one of his favorite answers and said, "It should be obvious." He started yelling and said all I wanted was to f*&&..... I hung up. He called back again and asked me where I Was going. Well, we have a fishing tournament tomorrow and he asked me to go get my fishing license today, so I told him I was going there (I was, if I had had ANYWHERE else to go I would not have).
We talked for a little while, then I said, "BTW, it isn't f(*^ing I want, I just want to make love to my husband." He says he thinks I married him for money and sex. Yea, he makes $30,000 a year and I married him for money. Over the course of the convo he said he just doesn't need that much sex, he doesn't want more sex because he's scared of getting me pregnant (I liken that to walking to work instead of driving because you are scared of a wreck, someone can STILL run off the road and hit you!), he has performance anxiety. He says I have told him over and over that his performance is fine, but he doesn't feel like it is. I ask why, because I want you again in a few days? He said that when he came in and found me like I was last night, he felt bad because he didn't know if he'd be able to perform. I asked him what would be wrong with letting me get him in the mood. I asked if that was because he wasn't already in the mood, or was he having physical trouble getting it up. (oops)
He says I haven't yet learned how to read him, how to tell if he's in the mood. IF HE IS HE'S TRYING TO INITIATE WITH ME! I don't have a chance to initiate if he's in the mood. I told him I'm not always in the mood, it seems that way sometimes, but I'm not, but one difference in me is that I'm willing to let him GET me in the mood! He says he can't be pushed into the mood. I said, " I don't want to push you into the mood, I want to PULL you into the mood." He swears it can't be done. I try to tell him we shouldn't have sex only when HE wants it, that we should be able to have sex when EITHER of us want it. The other should be willing and is commanded by GOD to satisfy that desire.
I asked him if he had noticed I hadn't tried to initiate in a while and he said yes and asked why. I said because I was trying to avoid the pain. He said, "You aren't trying to avoid pain?" (just NOW realizing he might have thought I meant physical pain when I said that) I said yes, I was tired of feeling hurt and if I didn't ask he couldn't tell me no and couldn't hurt me.
I can't deal with this much longer. He has absolutely NO concern for my needs, feelings. He's treating me better outside the bedroom which translate into me wanting him more INSIDE it, but then he shows his a$$ in there so bad I don't want to be in there AT ALL!
I'm falling into a serious depression over this. I hadn't really wanted to cross the sex line with my therapist just yet, wanted to get to know him (and him know me) better before going there, but i think it just took center stage. I'm doing better with boundaries now, and he is figuring out I will NOT tolerate him talking to me the way he does.