Completely lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Completely lost
31
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 2:51am

I've been with my husband for 9 years - married for three. I love him. He is kind, patient, funny, sweet, loyal. An honorable man and a hard worker. Really the most impressive human being I have ever met in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 5:35am

...granbliss, you are the FIRST person I have heard say this:...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 6:53am

Have you discussed whether other forms of satisfaction (aside from intercourse), in which he helped you out, would work for either of you?

Have you read any books on this topic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 7:05am

I think the acquaintance kiss highlights how much you miss what you're not getting in your marriage. I have also never heard anyone grow into physical attraction that wasn't there at the start. Are you sure that's exactly how it went or could it have been more like you settled in that way because of how much you felt for him in other ways?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 8:42am
Z,

I don't know, maybe I've never mentioned it, but granbliss pretty much summed up how I felt about my first husband when she said "When we first met I wasn't physically attracted to him, but I grew to be attracted to him because I was so drawn to him as a person" That type of attraction was impossible to sustain, and I eventually wound up hating who I had become with him and not liking him either. I got a lawyer, got a divorce, let him have pretty much everything and started over. He was devastated for a while (I heard) but eventually he got over it and married a nice woman who's been with him for quite a few years. By all accounts they are very happy. It was the best gift I could have given him, whether he knows it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 9:12am

...I wish I would have given my first husband the same thing...a divorce...he asked for it, but I made it clear that I would make it extremely difficult...shame on me...your actions show that you are capable of putting the feelings of others at high priority...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 9:19am
>>your actions show that you are capable of putting the feelings of others at high priority...<<

I AM able to put the feelings of others at high priority, but my choice to divorce my ex-husband was selfish to the core. I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I had cheated on him, and I was sick to death of being his "momma" when I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. I set myself free, and wound up setting him free in the process. If I had really been that concerned about his feelings, I never would have married him in the first place, because I knew before we went down the aisle that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I'm no better than you were in your first marriage, I'm afraid...and maybe I was worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:11am
I'm not sure what you mean by "real physical attraction". I've never been the type of person to be attracted to the way a man looks. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've noticed a guy's face. What attracts me to someone is usually something intangible. In his case it was how I felt when I was with him. When I got to know him. But our relationship never had that "tear your clothes off" start that so many people seem to have. It was a more slow, gradual process from getting to know each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:17am
The thing is he is completely uncomfortable about it. I tried reading books with him. Well actually I tried one book. I think he felt offended. As if I were admonishing him. Maybe I didn't go about it the right way, though I simply got the book and said I thought it would be good if we read it. To be honest, I really think he's in denial and thinks things will get better by magic and without work.. And I think since it is not such a major issue for him he doesn't show much drive to fix it. Which in itself becomes a part of the problem because I get into the trap of thinking, if he loved me he would want this to get better too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:27am
We don't have kids. Thank goodness. And also I don't think he intentionally blows me off. My husband is one of those men who gets completely lost in his own world. His feet are planted on earth but his head is in the clouds. I don't think he blows me off intentionally, it just isn't top of mind for him. I suspect that sex is simply a frightening and uncomfortable topic for him. But yes, I guarantee you my husband is one of the kindest nicest people you will ever meet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 11:32am

granbliss, you've fallen into the muck.

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