Compliance Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Compliance Sex
44
Sat, 03-19-2011 - 7:48am

...I guess that is the same thing as having sex when an LL is not in a passionate for sex mood...but, does it have to equal, time and time again, in messages "just laying there" or "a human masturbatory tool"...(I don't know the exact words used...but something like that)...that's not the kind of sex I have with my husband 3-4 times a week when I would rather be doing something else...it doesn't sound like what tiptoe is having...I've never "heard" miranda say that she engages in just laying there, as a matter of fact it sounds as though miranda is pretty active...so, for anyone new reading this that might want to look into asking their LL wife or partner to engage in sex a few times a week or month when they might not be in a sexual mood, it doesn't have to mean "just laying there"...or a "human masturbatory tool"...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 03-19-2011 - 11:54pm
zejayge wrote:

...I guess that is the same thing as having sex when an LL is not in a passionate for sex mood...but, does it have to equal, time and time again, in messages "just laying there" or "a human masturbatory tool"...(I don't know the exact words used...but something like that)...that's not the kind of sex I have with my husband 3-4 times a week when I would rather be doing something else...it doesn't sound like what tiptoe is having...I've never "heard" miranda say that she engages in just laying there, as a matter of fact it sounds as though miranda is pretty active...so, for anyone new reading this that might want to look into asking their LL wife or partner to engage in sex a few times a week or month when they might not be in a sexual mood, it doesn't have to mean "just laying there"...or a "human masturbatory tool"...

Zejayge-

Good for you!!! What really matters here IMO are 1) the relationship you have

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Sun, 03-20-2011 - 3:26am

As you know, zej, I am completely with you on this one. If someone is just laying there, stiff as a board, thinking of the Queen and hoping it'll be over soon - then obviously that can be damaging to the relationship or to either of the people involved. Sex out of love instead of passion, on the other hand, is completely different.

Even when I was HL, I had a lot of sex out of love, since my libido is more often a mental desire rather than a physical one.

And your comment, trenner2, is probably not universal. I can easily go for dirty if I am not in a sexual mood. More so than the rest of the time, since it is the preference of my partner. It's a nice chance to skip the foreplay, focus entirely on his physical pleasure and "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 7:41pm

Hi

sometimes people just do not know any better

I have been with women who just lay there

But they said they enjoyed sexing

Go figure

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 4:30am

I think some of the words that are used both reflect attitudes towards the situation, and are possibly influential in reinforcing that.

For sure, if you view it as compliance to a beastly demand, then you're hardly likely to enjoy it - despite yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 4:34am

So is your experience like "desire is a decision"?

And does the Discovery Channel approach make it easier for you, with the focus on the physical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 6:39am

...oh absolutely reflects the attitude...I think some HLs on this board refer to an LL having sex when they don't want to as compliance sex because they are resentful that they do not have an LL partner who will do that lovingly...and, I think some LLs on this board refer to it that way because they want "that" type of sex painted in a negative light...I can't speak for the two other LLs that provide sex they are not in the mood for in order to attempt to satisfy the sexual needs of their HL partners...but, at my house, I do not just lay there and the sex is not "given" resentfully...it's a shame, really...that sex given out of love is portrayed so negavtively on this board...I think it's a real option (sex given with love without desire for an orgasm) and might just be another manifestation (negativity) of attitude for those using that portrayal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 8:07am

So is your experience like "desire is a decision"?

Both yes and no, I suppose. Desire can be a decision because we shape our opinions and feelings with the way we think. If I decide to put a lot of emphasis on my less-than-excited bodily response, then that will make the experience a negative one. Instead I focus on being in the moment, what I feel is what I feel, but I decide what trains of thought I jump on. I let the trains with a likely negative effect on my life pass by and get on board with one that has a positive destination instead.

Other than that; desire is love. For me. I love my partner, thus I desire him. What is romantic desire and what is sexual isn't clearly distinguished in my head and never will be, I imagine, no matter how LL I become.

And does the Discovery Channel approach make it easier for you, with the focus on the physical?

It definitively helps matters. Part of what can turn a sexual experience negative is if I feel pressure to perform, pressure to enjoy, pressure to be this way or that. Getting down to business and having fun quickies with low emphasis on romance, cuddling and foreplay lowers the stress-levels for me. Many times I find myself getting into it mid-way if we haven't spent much time faffing around beforehand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 8:39am

<<what I feel is what I feel, but I decide what trains of thought I jump on.>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 8:51am

That's a nice way of putting it. I admit I have some trouble with this, as my negative thought trains during sex have rather well worn grooves. I don't think I've ever "just laid there" or made disparaging comments about wanting it to be over, but I have found it psychologically strenuous to show enthusiasm I didn't feel. It felt vaguely deceitful, irritating and somehow burdensome to me.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 9:29am
This is such a different world than my experience of sex that I simply cannot relate. My wife pretty much lies there silent and unmoving, waiting for it to be over.

Today I tried to stroke her on the shoulder as she was walking by and she pulled away. Later she asked if I wanted a hug. So many conflicting thoughts rush at me. Yes, I want a hug. No, I don't want a begrudged hug. Yes, I recognize you are making an effort on my behalf and I want to reward that effort. No, I don't much enjoy the lousy hugs you typically give. If it is that unpleasant for you, don't bother.

But I don't want to make a simple question into a 30 minute relationship discussion. So I say yes and we do a very tense and, for me, unrewarding hug. Now I fear I "owe" her for giving me a hug, when I didn't enjoy the hug and only did it to avoid rejecting her and hurting her feelings.

When you start so far apart, it is so exhausting to deal with any aspect of this, and I am not surprised by my lack of motivation to continue trying.

When you see it coming, duck!

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