Confession is good for a soul...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
Confession is good for a soul...
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:37am
I want to think all of you for your comments on my situation and everyone else's situation as I have learned so much from all of you!!!

Last night when I got home, late which happens every once in a while, DH was watching the baseball game and had brought pizza home for dinner. I figured it was not going to be a fruitful night, forgot it was opening day for baseball. Anyways, I ate watching the game with him. On a commerical, he said, "I love you and I am sorry." which is not that unusual for him to say after one of our episodes. My usual response is, "for what" because sometimes he tends to use sorry as a band aid and doesn't really know where the wound is to cover. I choked back that urge last night. I asked him if he wanted to talk about things. He said yes. I asked if there were thoughts he had about sex that I needed to know about. I was thinking of the whole, sex is strange, sex is bad stuff. He said he did not understand the question. I realized that the game was in the 9th innning, so I told him I was going to go change clothes and we would talk after the game was over. I knew there was no use in getting involved in a discussion, only to see his eyes wonder back to the screen if something important happened. I know my limits when it comes to Dh and sports! lol

After the game was over, which was only about 30 minutes after I got home, he came into the bedroom where I was changing. He said "ask the question again." So I did, but I took it in smaller questions this time. We were both sitting facing each other on the bed. (BTW, I totally disagree that discussions cannot be had in the bedroom, it is where we do our best communicating!) After a lot of talk, I realized that growing up he did not have an image that marriage involved sex, as when I asked about if his mother and father were affectionate around him, his answer was "Dad was sick" and "Mom worked two jobs." So while I do not think that he was installed with the "sex is bad" message, I think he may have gotten a "sex is not needed" message. This is something I had not realized before. So we talk a little more about his first expierence with sex. He only had one partner before me, he was engaged to her and from what I have been told she had some sexual problems. He confessed that might have turned him off to sex a little bit, because she just wasn't into it and would not do anything besides missionary.

So I tell him it seems like there is something he wants to say, but is afraid to say it to me all the time. He tells me there is nothing. So then from somewhere I start confessing to stuff I have been feeling and not saying. I think I had been projecting the fact that I had things to say onto him, which surprises me because I never thought I held anything in. Somewhere in this string of confessions we hit on the fertility issues. Which to a point, I think was hitting on the root of the problem. Before we were married, while we did not have the same libidos, but they never clashed. I told him that somewhere deep down all my decisions in life had been made based on the assumption that we would have a family. I do not even think that I wanted kids that bad, it was more of a "thats what you do" kind of attitude. He agreed that he also had that assumption, but at the same time was ok not having kids. I in a very small voice, which is so unusual for me, I confessed, that I was afraid that because I cannot have kids, I was not a woman, and he would have fallen in love with another woman if he had known this. His first response was "you know I am not going to leave you." And I said, "I know that, and that is my biggest fear. That you will stay out of obligation, but really want to be elsewhere." Well I do not think I need to retype the entire conversation, lol, but anyways it was a major breakthrough for us. After we got done talking, for the first time in a long time I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. We talked a lot more about the infertility stuff, which I do think was causing some of the problems. He was always hesitant to talk about it before. I think the prescribed sex caused a lot more problems than I knew. It was like at times, he thought only his sperm was needed not neccesarily him. And then he said, "and even then the sperm was not good enough." So a lot was said. We also discussed the whole ED thing, which I do belive whatever was causing it, has a lot to do with the CL problem. Way more than I ever would have imagined.

So then at the end, we are talking about fantasies, things we would like to do, etc. And we expierenced what all those HL men talk about, instant hard on! It just happens that he had taken one of his Viagra before I gotten home. It meant a hell of a lot that *he* took it, wanting to for me and for him! And it meant a lot that he would still continue talking about all these issues, when he knew he could *shut me up* by just having sex with me to start with!

So hopefully we are on the right path at the very least. I do not think any of you have mentioned fertility issues, but I think this can be seen in a much larger picture also, that there was another issue lurking behind the scenes that neither of us wanted to touch. One other thing that I realized while we were having the discussion is that I in some ways felt like less of a woman because I could not give him a child, even if I wasn't sure children were for us anyways. To compensate for this, I had to prove that I was sexy and tantalizing as a woman. You know kind of like, can't be the motherly type anymore, what about the wife all men want in the bedroom, and this was making me react differently. Not that I do not have a HL naturally, but these thoughts were making me take his nos, and the "laters" much more personal than I had in the past.

I think we are both readjusting our thoughts right now, but as long as we can keep talking we can readjust together.

Sorry this got so long! I will be surprised if anyone is still reading it, but it does help to post it!


Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 11:12am
I read the whole thing. I bet that felt really good to get that all out. You guys seems to be on the right track. I wish you continued success!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:02pm
I am so glad for you! What great communication. I too can relate to the child thing. I have always been childfree and never wanted them. Men I met wanted kids. I had to dump them when I found out. I had had a tubal at age 33 since I NEVER wanted kids or an accidental abortion. When I met my husband, he did not want kids. He already had a child 25 years ago by a drunken teenage mother. Kid was an accident. The mother tricked him saying she was on the pill. Really she wanted a baby to keep a man around. So my husband did not want more kids especially since he was 44 when I met him. But I have always been jealous about another woman having his baby. Though she cheated on him, took drugs, drank, stole from him, and was a terrible person she did something I could not and would not do. She had his baby. She first told him it was another guy's kid ( she had been having sex with 3 men at the time) but he got a paternity test and it was his. He paid the 21 years of child support and she lives 2000 miles away so we don't have to deal with her or his 4 grandchildren who had criminals for fathers and who were taken away by the courts and placed in foster care. But yes, I feel like I have to be a perfectionist in bed to compete with her who bore his baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:18pm
Hi Jen! I'm so happy that you had this catharsis and both you and your husband are feeling much better. This reminds me of Shan's situation with her DH. She was so discouraged but kept trying to improve her interaction skills and it worked for her too. Receiving the support this board can offer and not giving up can work to save a relationship worth saving. Your insecurities regarding maternity serve to remind all of us HL's that we bring something into these problems. It is encouraging that you have broken through some of the competitiveness of having a clashing libido problem. I'm really so happy for you!


Avatar for freyaliz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 3:56pm
Seems to be going around - I too am Child-Free-By-Choice for many reasons. DBF also does not want children. He met his ex-wife when she was pregnant, raised her daughter as his own, and then she gave birth to "his" son. She was a horrible wife, and person in general, openly cheating, doing drugs, abusing him and the children. 4 years later, they split up and the children were taken from her by DSS. He had his son in his care, until DSS asked HER if she wanted him there, and she said no. Both kids went into foster care, and then the bitch confesses that his son is NOT his! DNA test proved she was telling the truth. Now both kids have been adopted by their respective foster families, and while she gets to see them during supervised visits a few times a year, DBF has not seen them in over 5 years!! He loves kids, and loved being a dad for nearly 7 years, but says now that he doesn't want any, and he likes his freedom, but I think sometimes that it may be the pain speaking, that maybe deep down he wants one.
Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:41pm

I just knew there was something there...something more than just low desire. Men don't usually weep because they don't have a libido. He has a lot of pain buried deeply and so do you. You both have pain you need to bring to the surface, deal with and get rid of. It's not easy, but it's a lot harder to let it build and grow into something ugly.

The lessons we learn as a child are with us all our lives. He learned that sex isn't important. You learned that a woman has to have a child to "be a woman." So much pain based on misperceptions... (((HUG))))

If the two of you can keep up the conversation you can start to work through all this hurt and worry. You have a magnificent start, please don't let it lose steam and stop. The more you talk the more comfortable you will be with each other and the more comfortable you are the easier it is to just head for the bedroom and be loving.

My wonderful husband called the therapist tonight and made an initial appointment. He's now sitting there reading "Toxic Parents." He's letting himself be sexy for the first time in 4 years and it's all because we had a breakthrough like you two just had.

Keep talking and keep listening. It sounds like you two are well on your way to happily ever after.