Confirmed what I had 'known'

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Confirmed what I had 'known'
11
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 5:11pm

DW, 41 and I, 43, have been married for seven years, kids 6 and 4.  For a while, the sex had become mechanical/methodical/lacking spontaneity (kids can do that) and having a 'I wish I was doing something else' vibe from DW.

Well, the other morning when we had some alone time, it was confirmed that sex was not that much of an enjoyable activity for her.  She acknowledged that intercourse is an important part of intimacy, and that is important/good, but she got no ecstasy from it.  It has been this way for a long time.  Once I am 'done', she excuses herself to the bathroom and goes on with her day, certainly no coming back to snuggle or even do it again.  

She is overly focused on the fact that she is 41, not 'hot' and feels ignored by society due to her age/looks.  Like most of us, she is neither fit for the magazine cover nor someone to avert your eyes from.  She is within ten pounds of before the children were born, and she knows that I find her attractive.  

She wants to be forgiven for having a low drive, for not being that into sex and all that goes with that.  I don't think that calls for forgiveness, but I have told her that I forgive her.  

Any comment or what to do would be appreciated.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 12:09pm

Self esteem body issues never go away for some women (and men).  It sounds like that's a big part of her problem.  The question is why?  If she's not a fan of media, and she's not comparing herself to anyone else, then it's something within her.  By any chance was she ever sexually abused as a child?  That can really mess up a woman's sexual response, especially if she never told anyone, or she's never had psychological help for it.  It's amazing what your mind can do to your self esteem.  Growing up, I was tall and skinny.  I was tease about both.  I was called "tall in the saddle" and "a long drink of water".  I was taller than all the boys in 6th grade!  I was very self conscious about my height thru my teens.  Finally tho, some boys got taller than me.  Then I made the terrible mistake of marrying someone who was completely insecure and very controlling.  And of course he continually told me how lucky I was to have him......since I was so skinny.  Then I had children and my weight became "normal" but now according to him I was fat.  I listened to this brainwashing until one day I had the gumption to file for divorce.  By then I'd matured enough to know what he was doing to do me........and I was perfectly happy with my weight, my height and my image.  I look back now at old pictures, and realize that I didn't appreciate how attractive I was thru my marriage and even after.  I was very lucky that I had the self esteem to be able to get beyond that.  Now I'm in my late 70's, and my body is terrible....and guess what?  I don't care, and neither does my partner (his isn't so great either, lol) but we both know there's a lot more to love and sex than what a person LOOKS like.  Maybe she needs to get some kind of counseling regarding her self image and her sexuality.  I wish both of you luck, because even though it's not the MOST important thing in a marriage.......a good sex life is a wonderful thing.

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