At a crossroads...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2010
At a crossroads...
230
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:08pm

Hi,



This is a tough time for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:19pm

Holy cow! With the exception of the cheating, I could have written your post verbatim!!! Of course, cheating isn't an option here, because he has my permission to have sex with other people. I never want to deal with betrayal and lies. I know that it does a lot of damage.

I have to say that in my opinion the two of you will not be able to sort this out yourselves. I think it will take a professional relationship counselor to help you out of this hole you've gotten into. I am pretty sure that is the only thing that will help me as well, but I cannot get my DH to go, because he says everything is my problem.

I think you have the best ammunition to force him into going. He cheated, he lied, and you are hurt by it. I would just tell him the only way to fix this is to get therapy together.

I really really feel for you. You're in a really rough place.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:33pm
Actual the "infidelity" has opened communication. There seems to be a problem with sexual expression. This is murder to any relationship.
The playbook in your sexual relation is you all offense him defense.
This seems to be at one of the core issues. I suggest a sex therapist because there is a better chance of a sex positive out look.
The affair is not repeat, NOT important as it is allowing communication and the desire to come to terms with this problem.
Fighting is not working and that closed communication.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:53pm

I cannot believe you just typed the words "The affair is not repeat, NOT important." For some people that would be very very very important. I do believe it is a symptom, and not the illness, but still...that's like saying that having 104 degree fever isn't important.

I do believe she can use the affair as a vehicle to get him into some kind of 3rd party officiated counseling. What type is up to them, their resources, and what is available. Sex therapy isn't available to everyone, I'm living proof of that.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 7:41pm

I believe I am very much like your husband, so perhaps I can provide some insight into his thinking. I use different words to describe what I want because I mean something different than what you're thinking. When I describe what I want I don't say I want "sex" because I don't want "sex" (in the way you think of it). What I want is "intense desire" or "heat" or "passion" from my woman. I want to know that my woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 8:57pm

When there is an impasse the something has to happen to break it.
I have little faith in counseling. They can become paid friends. Also many are prudish and hidebound too. Having a lover is not always about something being wrong.
She said"This is a tough time for me. I recently found out that my H had an affair. The reason that he gave was that it was sexually liberating to feel free to talk and have sex with someone else. But that is for another site."
My query what other site? What is being left out?
What is the fighting about? The make-up sex? To me this signals a great divide of miscommunications. Too much drama! Too much left out.
IMO she made "rules" and those have kept the communication closed.
The so called affair is a catalyst for change.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 9:08pm

The more I think about it - the more this seemed doomed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 7:32am

I feel tired just reading your post.
You must have had quite a tough time - not just lately, but most of the relationship, trying to please your husband. I'd be exhausted! And then have him cheat on you? I'd be gone! But that's me. Let's focus on you.

If you want to keep trying, you need to focus on getting past the affair before anything else. You cannot get past this before your husband takes full responsibility for his actions and digs deep to realise what this did to you and your relationship. Is he willing to do that? If not, there probably isn't much hope.

If and when, and not before, you get to a stage where you aren't disgusted with him and angry, but you feel that you love him and you want to move on - THEN you can get back to working on your sex life.

I think mysextoy (was it?) was onto something. In the past, I had a sex partner I just couldn't get satisfied with. He'd do A, B, C, D... The whole alphabet, but there was always something missing. I used to tell him that he only ever got excited about one thing in life; football. He was never that excited about me. No wonder, I was horrible to him! Critical, condescending, angry... Fed up, basically. The truth was that we simply didn't click. He was a wuss. As it turns out - I love everything and anything in the bedroom, as long as it's done by my manly, masculine, self-confident current partner.

So my suggestion is the following: Stop with the exasperated efforts to please him. Stop complying to his every wish. Stop trying so hard. If he doesn't like what he is getting; tough luck. If he wants to sulk because you didn't want to have sex at 5 am, let him. If he comes up with lame excuses for not expressing himself clearly, you aren't listening.
And start taking what you want. Focus on YOUR pleasure and your desires. Don't worry about him, just get into it. Have him go down on you while you steer his head, guide his hands and fingers to where you want them. Talk about how great it feels. When he is inside you, choose the positions YOU want and make YOU orgasm - bring in a vibrator if you need to - and then do one small, little thing for him... Tell him how great and satisfying it feels to have him inside you, tell him he is filling you up and tell him he is going to make you orgasm. Just in blunter terms.






Edited 9/23/2010 7:36 am ET by muff-muff
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 9:03am

>>When I describe what I want I don't say I want "sex" because I don't want "sex" (in the way you think of it). What I want is "intense desire" or "heat" or "passion" from my woman. I want to know that my woman wants me more than sleep, more than a clean or well-run household and more than coffee. I want to be the object of my woman's wildest fantasies. I want to be challenged by the insatiability of her lust for me and to be able to quench her.<<

If you came to me and told me all of this, I'd probably say the same thing as your wife. I am pretty sure this is what DH wants. I don't have it to give anymore. I think that for most people (especially women) this might be possible at the BEGINNING of a relationship, but it is not sustainable for the long haul. It is not an everyday type of feeling. It might be occasional, but not something you experience every week. Also, if you don't feel this, it's not really easy to pretend you do. It's pretty apparent that you don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to feel this way again. But I can't make it happen, short of going out and starting over. And that is something I'm not willing to do.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 9:16am

"When I describe what I want I don't say I want "sex" because I don't want "sex" (in the way you think of it). What I want is "intense desire" or "heat" or "passion" from my woman. I want to know that my woman wants me more than sleep, more than a clean or well-run household and more than coffee. I want to be the object of my woman's wildest fantasies. I want to be challenged by the insatiability of her lust for me and to be able to quench her.<<"

And I still feel "intense desire", but I don't feel it as often as DH does. I still have "heat", "passion" and all the things that go with it, however I don't naturally feel those feelings at the same level as DH. But for me "intense desire", "sexual passion" can and do occur without the emotional component that I want in a relationship. Sex is sex, making love is what I do everyday when I put his needs above mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 9:57am

"One more thing: When I've had conversations with my wife about these expectations they almost inevitably lead to her saying, "No woman could ever meet your expectations." I suppose she's trying to comfort herself. And at the same time, she's trying to convince me to stick with the wife I have and not go looking. The problem is that she's wrong. There are high-libido women in the world that

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