Dependency and Addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Dependency and Addiction
48
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 9:24am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 4:40pm
I like the baby analogy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2010
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 5:59pm

From what I understand addictive behavior is characterized by the way one behaves when they don't get the substance or stimulus they desire or crave. Not the desire or craving itself. Yes, you are lovingly dependent on your wife for sex. Are you dependent on sex for something that causes you to act out addictive behaviors when you dont get it?


The dependency of a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 4:59am

Thanks, I do my best to understand the burden and drain it could put on my partner.


Yet I don't feel that makes it addiction or dependency.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 7:47am

<>

I don't recall anyone ever saying that a desire for sex is in itself pathological. But it stands to reason that an overfocus on sex might cross the line into addiction (just as an overfocus on food, which is as fundamental to the species as sex, can become an addiction). I can't think of any HLs on this board who fall into this category, though.

At the same time, many HLs on this board have complained that when they don't get enough or enthusiastic enough sex, they fall into a deep funk and lose interest in other aspects of their lives. This strikes me as a bit maladaptive, rather than addictive. It reminds me of my own maladaptive response, 15 years ago, to the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have kids. (At 38, there was nothing wrong with my fertility, just my patience.) For a while, I thought that nothing else I did would ever count (including the book that had just been accepted by a publisher) and that I could never be happy again. I sometimes wonder how I would have adapted if I hadn't been able to have kids in the end. If I had continued to wallow in depression and self-pity, this surely wouldn't have been a healthy response.

So that's all I'm suggesting to HLs: Don't let ML take over your life. Seek realistic solutions to the problem and find joy where you can along the way.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 8:17am
...I've seen the same reaction from LLs on this board...focusing very hard on how to not have sex or seeming to want to not want to have sex...their attitudes have been as maladaptive as any others...as a matter of fact...during my first marriage, my attitude was very maladaptive...in the sense that I did not feel that it was my responsibility to help my husband adapt to not having sexual fulfillment at home...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 8:42am

Has it been suggested to you personally that your desire for sex is an addiction or is this a just a general notion that you have a very strong reaction against?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 8:59am

Well "overfocus" to an LL might be a normal understandable reaction for an HL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 9:07am

No, no-one's suggested to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2010
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 12:10pm

But if it's not directed at you I'm not sure why you perceive the idea that some people are addicted to and dependent on sex in a unhealthy way as unhelpful or pejorative. Isn't that sweeping dismissal a result of your own 'agenda" or "angle"? This statement stands out as a rather emotional reaction in an otherwise reasoned analysis.


>>And I suppose I've concluded that it's rubbish invented by people with an angle on the situation, unhelpful and pejorative.<<


I went to a yoga class once geared toward "addictions" and was a little amused by all the young people who claimed sex and love addiction issues until I discussed it with a friend who is a long time AA/Alanon member. Sex and the quest to quench emotional neediness can be addictive and self destructive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 12:44pm

I guess if I have an agenda, it's to help other people who are in the situation I was, and to challenge people who make unsubstantiated (and likely unsubstantiatable) claims.

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