Depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
Depression?
13
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 9:47pm

I've been wondering more and more what role depression is playing in my wife's mood, lack of libido, and general worldview lately.

She's never been the optimist I am, typically more of a realist. But lately it's pure pessimism. I recognize that her responsibilities have increased in the last 6 months and I try to make it easier for her, but she keeps treating me worse and worse.

I'm finally beginning to wonder if depression is the problem -- which if it is, is a far bigger problem than our mismatched libidos.

Does anyone here have experience in how to bring this up politely & non-confrontationally to a spouse? Given that anything I say she takes confrontationally, I can't imagine the right way to approach this in a productive manner.

Ideally -- if that's what it is -- I wish we could tackle this her and me against her depression. Not me against her as it has been too often lately.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: jeffat35
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 8:31am

There is no way to bring this up with a guarantee that she won't take it the wrong way.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 9:31am
My wife too has always been more pessimistic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: jeffat35
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 1:53pm

I can relate to your position.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2010
In reply to: jeffat35
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 2:14pm

Wow. You nailed it!

" In my experience with my husband, he spends so much energy into being miserable and unhappy that he exhausts himself let alone the rest of us. He acts so emotionally needy and is suprised when people start shutting him out, which then reaffirms his belief that no-one cares for him, no-one appreciates him, and no-one will meet his needs. The real reason is he EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTS everyone around him to the point that you have to take a break from him to regain your sanity. "

That's describes things really well. She now feels so down that she brings many of the rest of us down -- which is emotionally exhausting. I do swear that sometimes even when things are going well, she won't even let herself enjoy the blessed world around her.

I do wonder whether I should just cut ties now. I want to share my life with an appreciator of life. To my surprise, I no longer do.

Sounds like we're in similar though separate boats, SF. Thanks for the post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:57pm

I agree that depression can have a huge impact to the LL partner...but also, for a HL partner depression can become a problem too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 2:12pm

This is really ironic, because I was just thinking about how different life would be if I had accepted the marriage proposal I got from my best friend many years ago (who happens to be gay.) We'd have parented together, laughed together, and probably would still be together today. Of course we both would have had our "boys on the side" but I believe that would have been a much happier life than the one I am in now.

Maybe we all need to take a moment and appreciate what we DO have

I have a DH who wants to have sex with me every day. Whether I want to or not, and usually in ways I'm not thrilled about having it, while criticizing my technique the whole time. Of course he's a hyper critical cranky man, what do I expect.

You have a DH who is sweet, loving, caring, respectful but doesn't really dig having sex with you all that much.

Wanna trade?

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2009
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 2:29pm

No offense at all to you but from what I've read about your DH I'll go ahead and pass on that trade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 2:35pm

I hear ya, it was just so strange seeing you post that, when I'd been thinking of my "alternate option" of so long ago. Of course going into that option knowing that sex wasn't really part of the bargain is a lot different than what you've got, and my mindset regarding sex is way different than most folks.

Besides it doesn't sound like your DH is willing to let you find your satisfaction in other ways, so a wholly unacceptable situation for you.

Both of us would have been better off with my "alternate option" than we are with what we've got from the sound of it.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 2:57pm

...I was just thinking about how different life would be if I had accepted the marriage proposal I got from my best friend many years ago (who happens to be gay.) We'd have parented together, laughed together, and probably would still be together today. Of course we both would have had our "boys on the side" but I believe that would have been a much happier life than the one I am in now.


I think this represents a clear distinction between LL and HL thinking: Sexual union is so important to an HL that they can't stand a long-term relationship that doesn't include it; it is so unimportant to an LL that their ideal relationship excludes it. The thing that stumps me is: Why would you still crave "some" sex and not be willing to accept something closer to a "roommate" relationship now that your husband is offering it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: jeffat35
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:04pm

I never said I don't ever want sex. In fact, it was clear in my previous post that if I had taken my "alternate option" I would have had "boys on the side." I was not just referring to him, I said BOTH of us would. I don't hate sex, I am just not really geared for RELATIONSHIP sex. I like a LOT of strange. I like it ALOT. I just get easily turned off to the person I've lived with day in/day out for years. Which is not to say I never want sex again in my current relationship either, just that I don't want it every single goddamned day with hyper critical uber controlling person who cannot just relax and enjoy it or allow me to relax and enjoy it (or a full night's sleep EVER.) I still want some sex. This is why I am not necessarily ecstatic about taking my DH up on his "roommate" offer. It doesn't allow me any sexual outlet at all, and I DO want some sex, just not exactly what he wants every time he wants it, which was all he was willing to accept in the past.

I didn't understand all this about myself before. I understand it now. Too late.




Edited 5/11/2010 3:06 pm ET by mirandarr8

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