Does scheduled sex work for men with LL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Does scheduled sex work for men with LL?
21
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 10:53pm

Hi,

I posted earlier about my husband and I. I think I am pretty average libido and my husband of 9 years is LL. Thank you for all of your help and insights by the way. I think I never responded or thanked anyone before (even though the suggestions were excellent and much appreciated) because I am super embarrassed about this topic and still hoping it will magically resolve.

Anyway, my question is: Does scheduled sex work if the LL partner is male? What about the dreaded erectile dysfunction?

Anyone have experience with this?

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 5:09am

Does your husband -have- erectile dysfunction? Is it physical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 6:00am

Well, you won't get any direct replies from an LL male...

Just an idea, not so much scheduled as going for the morning slot if that's available with any regularity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 12-07-2010 - 6:52am

...I agree MOL, if the morning is available...that might be the best time...I do wonder ( and, unfortunately, we don't have any words from the horse's mouth) though (if the man is an LL that simply doesn't desire sex or has aversions of some sort or a history of sexual abuse/trauma) if the 'dreading' it part might work against the success of the scheduled sex...let's face it, an LL woman (me) that does not desire sex as much as her partner can soldier through those time that I just don't want to because I don't have to be sexually aroused to perform (we can go on and on about an erection not being a sign of arousal...but, if the HL woman requires intercourse to feel sexually satisfied, the erection will factor)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 12:17am

Yup, that's my concern. It's hard to really understand (being female) what a man needs to "make things happen". I was just wondering and trying to work up the courage to bring up this issue (again).

Unfortunately, in the past, I think it comes out meaner and with a lot more blame than I intend. It also results in a couple of instances of "pity sex" which frankly - turns my stomach and makes me (even) more angry with him. I guess it's not fair for me to be mad but this whole issue just makes me sad.

Uggh, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 12:18am

Are there any LL males who read this board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 12:22am

We only had a few of instances of ED in the past. Usually during a time of high stress for him after a period of no sex. If we get into a pattern of me initiating (or trying to) too often and complaining, then it's sort of like he is trying to make me happy but not really interested and then... ED.

I think I learned from that experience to back off. If he is not interested, then I don't really pursue it. I may try some mild types of initiating but nothing more.

Really, for men who complain that women don't initiate enough (I have read this on this board before) : there is nothing like being turned down repeatedly by the man you love to make you decide that it's better to just wait than to try to initiate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 3:21am

"Really, for men who complain that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 6:02am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 9:12am
>>It also results in a couple of instances of "pity sex" which frankly - turns my stomach and makes me (even) more angry with him.<<

You need to be careful about this, because I can tell you from deeply painful experience that nothing makes the LL feel as beaten down, defeated and as if they cannot win, than when they get a whiff of what you are talking about above. Seriously, he gives you sex, you aren't happy about it. What else can he do? It's a fine line. There is a reason that couple's therapy is recommended for issues like these. It helps to keep things from turning mean, and helps to avoid the "blame" problem.

You guys need to find a way to be a "team" in regard to this problem, otherwise you will just get pushed further and further apart by it. It can be a relationship killer, and it only takes a short time to become enemies instead of partners in this regard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 12-08-2010 - 9:17am
>>Sometimes I do think men need to realise that most women will initiate more subtly than a man would. While I realise men are used to a more direct approach and do not easily take a hint, many men would find they intentionally or unintentionally miss out on seduction.<<

Yes, women cannot exactly curl up next to their partner and give them the old "penis poke" (my DH's favorite form of initiation.) I frequently will give my DH a backrub (including butt and legs) he doesn't see this as initiation. I'm like, "WTF?? We're naked, I'm rubbing all over you, you don't see that as initiation?" He NEVER gives me a backrub. Not as initiation or otherwise. It's the "penis poke" or the "boob grab" or the "nipple pinch and roll" or my least favorite the "crotch rub." Of course, my situation is beyond broken, and these attempts are almost all exclusively used when I am dead asleep at 2 am or later, so maybe there are men out there with better initiation techniques, I dunno.

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