Dont know what to believe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2012
Dont know what to believe
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 6:05am

I posted this on another board but was advised to post here.

I am at my wits end and dont know what to think anymore.

I have been married to my husband for nearly 4 years , dated for 2 years prior to that . We've always had a great friendship and


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 7:45am

"I need all the help I can get to make my husband have sex with me."

It won't happen. I have heard success stories about wives who have been able to stretch to have more sex than they are normally inclined to have. I have never heard of a husband making a similar stretch. I wish it were so. This is my sad story too.

If he were willing, you could investigate a series of physical (testosterone levels, erectile dysfunction) and psychological reasons why this might be his reality but none of that is possible if he's not willing.

The other reality you may have to face is this is just who he is. Sex early in the relationship, for some people, is fueled by new relationship energy (NRE). It's a new concept for those of us who want sex on a regular basis no matter how long the relationship has been going on but I'm unaware of anything that will bring NRE back to an old relationship, nothing ethical anyway.

So, if you want a baby, if you want more sex, sit your man down and tell him these are important things to you and tell him, as gently as you can, if he can't give that to you, you've got to find someone who can before it's too late. Somehow you have to do that without harming who he is because let's face it we would be hurt and furious if we were told we weren't measuring up because we were too short or our feet were too big. If this is who he is, he can't change it any more than we can make our feet smaller.

Good luck. Oh, and do not get pregnant by this man until this is sorted out. He might be able to help you with the procreation project but after that you will be on your own with few options besides messy divorce with custody implications or trying to negotiate for a open marriage with someone who really doesn't understand why you need sex anyway.

Wish I had better news. I'm looking forward to do the day when a woman comes forward with a success story where she was able to get her husband to stretch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:43am

What has changed in that time period?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2012
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 11:51am
Thanks for the replies.

I will give detailed reply later, I 'm at work . You guys have given me a lot to think about.
Before I go , what's ' do you bothe still game ?' Whats game ?

I am new here , even the concept of mismatched libido is brand new . It will take some time for it to sink !
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 11:59am

Will I have to live in a sexless marriage ?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 2:18pm
"do you both still game" is asking if you both still play online games.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 8:20pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2012
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 10:22am
Thanks everyone !

No, he doesnt play online games anymore .

As for the rest of the views you guys have provided , its really an eye opener , something that has caught me unawares .

I have been reading the posts her for the last couple of hours and cant believe this scenario is so common and there are hell lot of concepts involved in it and its so very complicated !!

At this point I am overwhelmed with the info I now have and really at a loss as to where to begin to answer or even take a lead to solve this.

I am still reading and hopefully in a few days will know where to begin .

Thanks !
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 12:19pm
rottenapples wrote:

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 9:21am
I agree with the others. Sorry you need us. Glad you found us. I very much agree with the advice: no baby until you resolve this.
My other thought is: pick a time deadline in your head for resolving this. Do not tell your husband this deadline. Promise yourself that if he has not shown major changes by then, you will implement whatever consequences you have chosen. Do not fall into the trap of seeing tiny progress and giving him a little more time to see if it gets even better. Unfortuantely, as a woman, that is not a smart play on your part. You need certainty one way or the other within the next 3 or 6 months. If you aren't having lots more sex by then, you need to either go to an even higher risk strategy or resign yourself to a sexless marriage.
High risk strategy does not have to mean divorce. Higher risk could mean cutting him off from whatever it is he most likes about whta you do. Cutting him off from sex would be counter-productive, since he doesn't care about sex as much as you. But if you stop talking to him, or stop going out to dinner with him, or stop going on "walks on the beach", he might find the relationship less rewarding. Be warned: this can start a downward spiral in which you end up regretting that you didn't simply divorce him at the start. That is why we call it a high risk strategy.
But whatever you do, don't let it stand still for months and months (let alone years) with no progress in any direction. That eats you alive. Pick a date. Then either move forward together or move on. Good luck.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 10:02am

Here is my advise. Take it from someone who has now regretfully run the gamut of every stage of ML.

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin