feel horrible

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
feel horrible
36
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 2:01pm
So, back when my SO was going to the urologist for ED treatment there were a few options he wasn't willing to try. I was fine with that because it's his body and he should be the one to decide that. Well, he decided on his own recently to go back to the doctor and try the injection. He said it wasn't the needle that was the issue. It was that he was scared that if it didn't work there would be no hope left. So, he went, they did the first one in the office to show him how, and it worked great. Oh, how I wish this story had a happy ending.

We tried it at home last night, and it did almost nothing. WHAT THE F!!! I tried like hell to keep it together, but I couldn't. I cried for hours. I woke up several hours later and cried more. The pain is unbelievable. And now he feels like a failure and a disappoinment no mattet how much I tell him that's not true. Part of me doesn't want to give up. Part of me just wants things to go back to how they were when I accepted how things were and was happy. But I don't even know what he wants. Because he won't tell me. I'm just tired of the pain.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 6:00pm

Hi AOA,

I'm sorry to hear that this is so painful for you. My honest opinion is that if your partner has advanced diabetes, you need to have VERY modest expectations about sex. If you can get your mind to inhabit that zone, great. If not, there's nothing to be ashamed of, but you may have some thinking to do.

All the best to you in the new year,

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sat, 12-31-2011 - 6:43pm
What sucks the most is that I was totally ok until I got this glimmer of hope that was so quickly snatched away from me. And without any reason that makes any sort of sense either. It's not the limitations on our sex life that are painful for me. It's the belief that something was actually going to help, and then it didn't. And we have no idea why. It's hearing him call himself a failure and a disappointment, and knowing absolutely nothing I say is making him not feel that way.

I was ok before. I guess I will be ok again. I just wish it wasn't so painful in the meantime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 01-01-2012 - 5:18am
He seemed to be in better spirits by this evening. Even being physically affectionate. It made me feel a lot better too. One reason these failed attempts are so difficult and painful for me is because every time it happens he completely withdraws from me physically. I understand why he does it, but all I want during those times is for him to hold me and offer me some kind of comfort. I usually hold or touch him while his back is turned to me and his face is buried in the pillow, but I never know if I'm helping or making things worse. I never know what to say either. My biggest fear is that he will decide I'm better off without him. He already thinks I am only with him because I have low self esteem. I don't. I'm not. And it's kind of insulting to me when he says that, honestly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 11:43am

I'm really sorry for the both of you.

It worked in the office, but not at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 12:30pm
I wonder that too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 12:34pm

I understand why he does it, but all I want during those times is for him to hold me and offer me some kind of comfort. I usually hold or touch him while his back is turned to me and his face is buried in the pillow, but I never know if I'm helping or making things worse.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 12:36pm
Sorry to hear this. Wishing you a year in which you find joy in unexpected places.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 12:42pm
He gets erections but they have never been firm enough for intercourse.

I should mention, I guess, that I talked to him about how it makes me feel when he says I must have low self esteem to be with him. I told him if he stopped saying that then I'd be nice to his cat (I dislike his cat). He didn't really respond, but he hasn't said anything like that since.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 12:57pm
It would be important for him to be honest and see how his erections are (firm enough for intercourse) when he is alone, and does not have to worry about expectations from himself or feels your expectations too. I got in a period a while back with the HL and LL thing where my erections were not firm enough for intercourse with my wife without a lot of effort, but masturbation, waking up in the morning was a different story. I could not understand this at first, but it had to do with how I felt when I was with my wife, I wasn't good enough for her, didn't seem to be pleasing her anymore. And then every time we got intimate I would worry that I could not get a full erection, instead of just letting go and enjoying myself. Once I learned to do this again, full erections. Never thought years ago mentally I would have issues, but they happen to everyone from time to time.

This is also not your fault, nor his either. I think he just has to learn to relax and let it happen, if it doesn't find another way to please you, maybe oral, strap on, seeing you get excited and having orgasms may also do wonders for his ED situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 1:14pm
We do have a good sex life despite not having intercourse, i feel, but I can't ever convince him of that. It's been like this the whole two years we've been together. I am starting to think it's both physical and mental. And that's going to be really tough to fix.

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