Feel like I have a crush on my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Feel like I have a crush on my husband
6
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 6:15pm

Hello Everyone,


I've lurked on these message boards on and off for the past two years but have not as yet written my story since putting it in writing makes it more real I guess.


My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and have two small children together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:03pm

Hi sweet, I don't have any advice for you myself, but I wanted to give you (((HUGS))) for what you're going through, and I'm sure some of the fabulous posters here will have more insight and support for what you're dealing with.


(((HUGS))) again.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:58pm

Sweet-tart

Welcome. As one of our veteran board members says "glad you found us, but sorry you needed to" (or something to that effect, help me out, Hold.) Based on the tone of your post and a few of your comments, (talking does no good, he gets defensive, going to the courthouse) I'd strongly urge you to run (not walk) to a relationship counselor. You have children with this man, and I think you are in too deep with this thing to solve it on your own.

If he won't go with you, start out going alone. It is worth an attempt before you do wind up at the courthouse, and putting your whole family unit through the stress that brings.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:04pm

Hi and welcome. I'm a LL woman. Here's what I tell HL women in your situation: don't hint, talk directly. As you've discovered yourself, some LLs are masters at pretending they didn't get the hint. (Trust me, he did.) Sexual hints (like informing him you've bought a toy) may keep the fires burning in sexually matched couples, but they work very badly in mismatched relationships: right or wrong, the LL ends up feeling manipulated and somehow harassed.

When you talk to him, I suggest you acknowledge the differences between you without casting blame, but insist that he address your issues. A possible approach:

- I know you hate talking about this, but I NEED to talk about it because I'm absolutely miserable right now and I don't think our marriage can go on as it is.

- I understand that you and I are different in this way. You don't seem to need much of a sexual connection within marriage (at least not with me) and if that's truly the case I respect it. But I need to have sex within a marriage, for both physical and emotional reasons. Masturbation isn't a substitute.

- So my question becomes: is there anything you and I can both do so that you'll be more interested in having sex with me more often? If there is, let's talk about it. If not, let's talk about it, too.

- If there's anything you haven't told me about your sexuality, I respectfully ask you to do so now, even if it's difficult -- for instance, if you have any preferences or kinks that you require in order to be interested. If you're not attracted to me, please let me know (and let me know if I/we can do anything to change that or not). If you've never been much interested in sex, please let me know. I'm aware it's an uncomfortable subject for you, but if we want this marriage to thrive and even continue, we need to put our cards on the table.

In other words, make it safe for him to be honest, but put things in a way that he simply can't dodge.

HTH Freelance




Edited 4/29/2010 3:07 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 3:48pm

Just to add to the advice you've had so far.


I'm feeling that you have let the situation (understandably) affect your mood and feelings about yourself and your worth.


To make changes for yourself - and whatever happens - I'd like you to consider that you need to be as resourceful as you can possibly be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 4:08pm

>>As well, I'd strongly recommend getting some form of exercise, or even just getting out more (if I can be that rude - I know when the kids are young that is hard). Can you go to the gym, jog in the park, play sport with a friend - anything<<

I'd like to 2nd this. Now that spring is here and the weather is lovely in almost all parts of the country I have taken to walking during my lunch as often as I can. I usually bring something to eat from home spend 20 mins eating it, then the other 30-40 I spend walking. I notice that the days I do this, I feel more capable, even-tempered, confident and happier.

Sounds silly, but I have found it really works.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 5:02pm

"I'm not sure that counseling would work... has anyone been successful with this kind of thing in counseling?"


We had some partial success with a counselor.