feel rejected

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2002
feel rejected
11
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 1:36am

I love my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have three beautiful children. It just seems like he never wants to have sex. He flirts with me but when it comes to sex It happens maybe once a week. I feel rejected it's hard for me to make a move on him for fear of being shot down. I don't think he understands why I get so hurt. We have discussed it before but it really has not gotten us anywhere. I have gained weight and part of me feels like that may be the problem and no he has not said anything to make me feel that way. Its just how I precieve them. Just don't know what to do would like to have sex 2 to 3 times a week . Is that wrong?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 8:24am

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No, of course it's not wrong. It's also not wrong that your husband wants sex once a week or less. With three kids, that seems pretty normal to me. But that's ME. If you're dissatisfied, then it's not normal for YOU.

Actually, I don't think terms like "normal" or "wrong" are very helpful. In my opinion, part of the solution lies in him making you feel wanted, even if he doesn't want full-blown sex, and the other part lies in you not taking it so personally when he declines sex.

It doesn't sound like the two of you have a huge gap (nothing like many of the regular posters on this board), so I would tread carefully in your shoes. Talking the situation to death could make things worse. Keep it light if possible and reinforce positive behaviours.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 11:46am

Hi. As Freelancemama said, neither you nor your husband are wrong here. The amount someone wants sex is subjective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 1:36pm

Hi,

There can be so many different reasons for what is going on that you would have to provide more information as to your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2002
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 12:42am

My husband has lost weight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 9:19am
Insecurity is a major turnoff. If you seek sex to validate yourself, it's no surprise that he isn't going to oblige. Deal with your own insecurity and chances are that the sex will follow unless he is and has always been truly LL.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 12:18pm
You have gotten much good advice here. I would add 2 things.

>>>>> There were times ( a few months ago) that we would go awhile without having sex but I would find out that he had looked up porn and did his own thing. <<<<<

This is very understandable. Do not take this as a sign he does not find you attractive. Solo sex and partner sex are very different. Solo sex is generally quicker and easier and does not trigger anxiety, stress or fear of failure.

If he knows you want more sex and he does not want to take the time to "make it good for you", then he will prefer solo sex to partner sex even if he finds you drop dead gorgeous. Not about you. About him.

If you want him to choose partner sex more often, it is not about how you look. It is about how easy and stress free sex is. If you would be OK with a quickie, make sure he knows that. He may doubt your words. He may fear that you will see him as selfish for asking for a quickie when he knows you want more sex. Be sure to praise him if he asks for a quickie. Tell him you understand he could have gone solo, and you appreciate him bringing all his sexual energy to you. Even if that particular session seemed a little one-sided to him. Assure him that you like knowing that he offers you whatever he has.

If you don't like quickies, that is OK too. But understand that your attitude is contributing to the mismatch, so don't be shocked if he continues to fly solo sometimes.

>>>>> I know things could be worse and I am trying to lose weight and work on how I feel. I just want him to want me as much as I want him. <<<<<

This will drive you nuts. You can't force him to feel the way you want. And he can't necessarily change how he feels even if he wants to.

You are much better off asking for him to change his behavior rather than his feleings. Behavior is something he can control. So if you want more orgasms, ask for them. If you want more cuddling, ask for it. But don't ask him to want it as much as you do. Sets both of you up for failure.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:15pm

You are much better off asking for him to change his behavior rather than his feleings. Behavior is something he can control. So if you want more orgasms, ask for them. If you want more cuddling, ask for it. But don't ask him to want it as much as you do. Sets both of you up for failure.

And be specific in what you ask for

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 3:54pm
>>>>> And be specific in what you ask for <<<<<

Excellent point. Do not tell him "I want you to be more _____". Especially if you fill the _____ with an adjective like "romantic" or "sensual" or "forceful".

Ask for specific actions like "rub my ___ (body part of yours) with _____ (body part of his, toy) _____ times per week". Or "I want us to have intercourse ____ times per week, and if we haven't had sex by the time we go to sleep on Friday, then we need to have sex on both Saturday and Sunday to make up for lost time".

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 2:57pm

I can see that working but my ex turned it into a head game that about drove me nuts. I think what made it so bad was that SHE was the one asking me to define the specifics of what would satisfy me then she would only go to the line and stop. Basically, I gave her the information she needed so that she could use my own hope against me.

In the end, i finally told her that if she stops and I don't continue, she did not initiate far enough. It drove her nuts that I put and end to her game but solved my near insanity trying to play hers.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:55pm
Good point Glenn. I am assuming (always dangerous) that he has desire to please her, and simply lacks motivation. If she removes the requirement that he be self-motivated, he may be willing to provide the requested behavior.

As you say, if he is not interested in pleasing her, but instead enjoys torturing her, then that is a very different kettle of fish.

When you see it coming, duck!

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