Feeling lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Feeling lost
3
Sat, 01-04-2014 - 10:05pm

Not sure if i'm in the rght posting place but here goes...

hubby and i have been married for amost 10 years on the outside things are great... Then we get to the bedroom department... Everything has to be on his terms and i mean everything. He isn't a dominance person but has to be the one to initiate sex if i attempt to initiate sex it just doesn't happen!! Oral sex is fine but nothing else. Have asked him several times to open up and talk about it but, he just clams up even further. I fear its driving a wedge between us as he wont speak and wants to brush it under the carpet whereas i want to get to the bottom of it. any suggestions would be good cos i'm feeling really low in myself at this point thinking its obviously me thats the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 12:09pm

I don't know what else you can do......if he won't talk to you, then I'm sure he wouldn't be willing to get some kind of counseling.  The only other thing you might do is refuse him, but that's liable to shut him down completely.  Again, instead of telling him what he's doing wrong (he knows) tell him how it makes you feel.  "Unloved, unattractive, etc.".  Do you think it's possible that he's involved with someone else?  Usually men double their effort at home so that the wife won't get suspicious, but there has to be a reason that it would start out of the blue.  If he'd always been like this, then you're stuck with it, but if it's something new, then there's a reason, and until you find out, it's not going to change.  Good Luck to you......I hope you can get thru to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 7:28am

He doesn't do foreplay he initiates sex kissing intercourse etc.. If i try it just doesn't happen i don't mean to sound selfish but i thought it was a two way street x i've never refused him and i don't make an issue out of it x but to add insult to injury when i finally got him to agree to let me work on him he made excuses ran off to the bathroom and 'relieved' himself.  I try talking to him out of the bedroom he just says shut up dont be stupid, i make an effort get rid of kids for the night cook a nice meal etc.. Nothing. I feel like i must be the one who has issues here x i dont badger him but once in a while where we could just role reverse would be good. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 2:02am

Oral sex but nothing else?  On Whom?  Does he ever initiate sex with you?  When you say sex, do you mean intercourse?  If it's okay when he initiates is, then he IS trying to be dominant.  My ex had a lot of emotional problems, and he was the same way......if I even tried to hold his hand, or sit close to him, he would say to me "what do you think I am, a machine?" then he'd tell me to move to another place to sit.   I eventually figured out that he didn't know the difference between affection and sex.  Sometimes men have a hard time getting erections, which can be either mental or physical, and they don't want to talk about it. 

You need to sit him down outside the bedroom and tell him how YOU feel......and that you'd like to talk about it..  Maybe he needs a good physical checkup......good luck!