Frequency

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Frequency
14
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:13am
Well ... the mood around here has improved dramatically. We had a session with our therapist last night. Honestly, I'm not sure that "clashing libidos" is really the heart of our problem. Once you manage the "clashing" part just about any old noun can be tacked on to the back end of the adjective.

Anyhow, for those of you who are amused, or merely curious, out came the pocket diaries last night during therapy. My wife has been keeping track of how many times we have had sex over the past 4 years. Last year it was 162 times ... for a grand average of 3.1 times a week.

Hmmm. Personally, I do not feel like a sex maniac.

Has anyone else on this board actually kept a diary? From what little I'm able to tell, frequency is ... shall we say ... a highly variable number across the vast ocean of marriages.

My own view is the more the better ... the more varied and creative the better ... but that really should be a mutual objective.

I'm hoping we have a "mutual" problem, not a libido problem.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:18am
I did keep track for a while. I had to when we were trying to conceive and it was pretty interesting. It actually made me realize we were having sex more than I would have thought without seeing it on a calendar. At the time it was about every other day. Now I would say it is probably once or twice a week, with some extra on weekends. I think that is when I realized I had to give a little bit too. I agree that varied sex can relieve a lot of this. I remember it if it was different. If it is the same old, get on top, get off, hand job for me, then nothing memorable about it.

Jen

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:45am
I did also for a while. In my case to show DW how little we do have any intimacy. I kept if for a number of months. Then during one of our discussions asked her how many times she though on average we had sex. She was double the number of actual. Her words were "Oh my god we must be at least 3-4 times a week!" in reality the average was more like 1.5!! Once some twoce others.

This is the same DW that fell asleep during foreplay last night:-) Oh well....

Avatar for jeffrey66
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:45pm
3 times a week, I'd be more than satisfied with that.

Actually I think with 3, then 4-5 might sound better. I tend to want more as a I get more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:59pm
Don't need to keep track of sexual acts. It is once a week unless he is sick. I made it so. But now I need to keep track of how many of these are intercourse and how many are mutual hand jobs. It matters to me. I want intercourse at least every other week. He loves the hand jobs. If we start drifting back to the "Intercouse every three months or so", I am going to die.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:15pm
Interesting that you mention this marriedguy50~

Last month I kept track on a VERY visable calendar in our kitchen. I noticed he began "approaching" me way more than he has in a long time. In the end, we made love (intercourse incl.)in the month of February a total of 6-7 times. To be honest, I was quite exhausted and by the 5th time of his approaching me I was growing weary because I am just not use to it.

I decided to NOT keep track this month and we've made love twice this so far! (Kept track in my mind)

Mind you last year I told him about my record keeping and showed it to him, he was shocked that we had sex so little so I gather that perhaps he saw me keeping track and KNEW I was and so was, himself, making a concerted effort to try.

We just seem to have our ups and downs and in all fairness we're BOTH under an enormous amount of stress. We're under stress to much to the point where even *I* don't seem to want sex myself! That's saying a lot because typically I don't allow stress to do this to me but it's just too much this time around I guess.

He'd acted like he was all "interested" early Saturday morning but all the kids starting getting up to so we set aside some "time" just for us where, in his words, we could cuddle. Cuddling typically equates into sexual relations but OF COURSE it didn't happen. The following day he again promised...but knowing the stress levels were getting high I didn't put any faith/hope in it so I just had some beers, went and washed up and then fell asleep before he even got to the bedroom...which might I add took over an HOUR after I'd left because I woke briefly as he got into bed...Oh well...

Elyse

Avatar for debthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:18pm
Well 3.1 times a week is above the international average. lol!

I think it's safe to say that this whole libido issue is all relative. Your happiness is relative to her libido and her happiness is relative to your libido.

That said, I think there's a LINE beneath or above which there is a problem. For example, if a person NEVER wants sex, put his/her partner has a healthy sex drive then that is more than a RELATIVE problem because I think most people, incl. experts, would agree that no NEVER want sex is an actual disorder. Similarly, a person who ALWAYS wants sex, perhaps many times a day, every single day and who becomes distressed without sex at that frequency would also be viewed by most people, incl. medical professionals as having a problem above and beyond a RELATIVE problem.

So, what I'm saying is that some of us have sexual disorders or are married to people who have sexual disorders, whereas with others there's nothing at all wrong except for the unhappiness with the clash.

For you and your wife your 'issue' is probably to find a way to ACCEPT and LIVE WITH each other's libidos, rather than seek out any medical route to alter either of your libidos. I hope the therapy helps in that coping and acceptance of each other.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:29pm
Hmmm ... I guess I don't really think that this is going to come down to libidos. We are different. But take away the resentment ... take away the stress of worrying about jobs ... open good lines of communications ... I think things will be fine.

It's the getting from here to there that's proven to be a challenge.

Of course I could be wrong. We'll see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:33pm
I think you've hit the nail on the head. Variety is VERY important.

Just curious. What are the "best" variations you've ever tried ... the most memorable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:36pm
Guess that's better than falling asleep after you've started.

Let me know how tonight goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: marriedguy50
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:40pm
Hmmm ... one thing we talked about last night. The more pressure I'm under, the more I want to run home and jump in her arms. The more pressure she's under, the more she doesn't want to be touched ... or even talked to.

Wish I could make the stress and pressure just disappear for her ... but I can't.

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