Getting The Spark Back

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Getting The Spark Back
6
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 11:07pm

Hi everyone. I just recently posted in another message board about some problems my boyfriend & I are facing, but after some serious talking we realize that a big part of what's going on is that my boyfriend feels we have gotten stagnent in our love/intimacy with one another as time goes on. We've been together four years now (almost five) and have always had a great sex life but recently my boyfriend said he feels like he always has to be the one to start things & that he gets tired of working so hard to do it. I think he thinks I don't find him attractive because I tend to delay sex for some reason, even though I want to have it. I love having sex with him but for some reason I just lack that initial drive that makes me push for it & initiate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 9:13am
>>how to recapture that spark that we had back when we first got together. Is it to much to hope for?<<

In a word, yes. It IS too much to hope for. Things will never be exactly as they were at the beginning. It was all new then, it was all exploratory, and there was a chemical racing through your system called PEA. it's the new relationship hormone, and it gives you that extra zing when you are first starting out together. Typically all the PEA wears off sometime after about 2 years. It lasts longer for some, and shorter for others, but there you have it, the PEA is gone.

Now there is good news, you're talking about it, which is really really good. Next step, to make sure you guys both have realistic and attainable expectations. Then take some action. There are things that can stimulate a small, temporary release of PEA. Risk taking and excitement seeking behaviors undertaken together are great. Think skydiving, roller coasters, etc. Also learning new things TOGETHER, dance classes, cooking classes, etc.

Things you can do that will make your sex life better and that have nothing to do with PEA? Well you are on the right track with the dressing up, and jumping him, etc. But these are all the things you read regularly in women's magazines. Talk with him and ask what will work FOR HIM...watch porn together, role-play, toys, whatever works.

It also sounds like you are a bit of a contrarian in nature, (you like to put him off, you don't want to take action right away, etc) so be aware of that, and talk to him about it, let him know that you like to pursued, so it's not that you don't want him, it's that you want to be chased.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 10:16am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 4:51pm

<< I have to admit that it is almost every single time that we have sex that he has to initiate it & I even get excited by trying to deter it, playfully. It's strange but I guess I like the idea of being hard to get or him just becoming relentless & taking me over, it just gets me going. But I can see how this can be misleading. >>

Herein lies your main conflict. You get excited being taken by force and he gets excited

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 9:35pm
Thanks mirandarr8 for your advice! I would kill to have that "first love" PEA again, but I know as time goes by it takes work. I'd honestly never really heard of PEA but it makes perfect sense. I mean we're going on 5 years together, so it does feel like we've done just about everything already. I am happy too that we're talking about it, even though it was kind of difficult to take in at first (because I thought he was telling me that he was unhappy with ME or that he wasn't finding ME attractive) but then I realized as we talked that it was just the idea of us losing some kind of spark that we used to have, I just hadn't noticed. He's been working a lot but I think we're going out of town in September for a friends wedding so maybe the escape will help us feel a little better getting out of the house & such. We've had luck with that working before & have had several times in the past where being in a new place kind of sparks the whole thing. The first time we spent the night @ his parents new house, we stayed in the guest bedroom on the first floor. When we do have sex it's usually pretty crazy & it was exciting to try & be quiet (because it's often difficult for me to do that). I don't think we need to go over there all the time to do it, but I can see how things like that might really help. I'm glad that he told me too because I think I really needed to realize that I wasn't working too hard on making him satisfied because I was just waiting for him to start it all up. Lets hope that little time away from work & such will do us some good :)
Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 9:35pm
I suppose your right. I just didn't want it to come accross like I was just doing it because I was trying to prove a point. Although I'm sure he'd still go for it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2011
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 9:38pm
Thanks glenn1962. I never really knew how much I enjoyed the whole being overtaken thing until me & him really got some time in to the relationship. It became fun because I would almost try to deter him that I was not in the mood or that I didn't want to stop what I was doing (even though deep down I obviously was into it) because he just usually gets revved up by me doing it. It was just lately that he seemed like he was just exhausted by that & wanted me to just take the lead. I think I need to try & be more aware to this because I just honestly got complacent with waiting for him to start things up, I think I need to shake things up with myself.

Thanks again!