Good to know I am not alone... and questions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Good to know I am not alone... and questions...
30
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 6:28pm

Hi all,

I stumbled upon this forum looking for a solution to my problem (I didnt even know it had a defenition!) and just read untill my eyes hurt (about 4 hours now!)... So thank you for letting me know I am not alone...

I am a 27 y/o guy... a HL in a ML relationship (three years). My girlfriend, 25 y/o (who I live with) is somewhere between regular L and LL (to my perception).. We have sex about 2-3 times a week, but I get the feeling that it's because I pressure her into it..

I really love her and think she is awesome... I hope to marry her some day, but we (mainly I !) always have the sex issue on our minds, and it creates a lot of friction. I am afraid to addmit it to her but I keep thinking about sexual things I did with former HL partners and this makes me feel bad about our relationship, and sometimes even mistreat her.

She doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex, but I have (finally!) convinced her to read some articles about sex trying to get things going...

To be honest, reading here didn't make me feel to positive about my relationship with her (and our shot at being happy together on the long run), but I still love her and I'm not willing to give up yet.

I read a post here describing

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 6:30pm
BTW, To all you HL women out there... I think you are awesome! Don't ever change!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 8:52pm
What is your goal for the sex talk? Is it to convince her to have more sex? To want more sex? To be more
enthusiastic about sex? If you said yes to any of those, you are fighting a losing battle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 4:03am

Well, now I feel ever worse...
My top 6 problems with our sex are:
1. After about 10 mins of sex, it becomes painful to her... this means that I always have to "wrap things up" fast, and there is also no option for a second round.
2. Oral sex is pretty much out the question. She doesn't wan't me to give her any, and I have to beg to receive it. When she does give me oral sex (very rare), its usually when we are both drunk so I don't come from it - also because she doesn't do it as good as other girls I've been with (which I think disappoints her).
3. She does not like sex without a condom (I think she is repulsed by semen) even though she has birth control pills and we are both disease-free. This bothers me me
4. She doesn't like any other sexual position except missionary which is REALLY getting boring after three years.
5. She gets embarrassed from talking about sex so I can't really tell her whats on my mind (I have tried, and it always ends up with her getting offended or us having a fight).
6. I feel like she only has sex with me because she feels like its the minimum amount she needs to give me in order for me to stay with her...

Solving any of these issues would mean a great deal to me... Do you think they are lost causes ?

Thank you very much for your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 5:50am

some advice on what to say when we have the "sex talk" ?

Know your purpose.

Your purposes - and hers - are likely to go way beyond sex.

Ensure your objectives are within your control - you cannot change her and she isn't broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 6:14am
Hi mol42,
thanks for the wise comment... I will take things into consideration for "the sex talk"... Will avoid the "blame frame" !!!

As for:
**************************************
"makes me feel bad about our relationship, and sometimes even mistreat her"
And you want to marry her, and you expect her to marry you and want sex with you?
**************************************

It is rare that I mistreat her, and usually I am a very supportive and fun boyfriend to have..
She does want to marry me (If I propose she will say yes)... and about the sex, I don't think its too bad for her... She told me she is pleased with the way things are going...

I just don't think I can (and want to!) hold the act on ... From all I've read I take it that LL very rarely (or never) flips to Regular L or HL, and if it is at such a young age, it may even get worse...

Counselling is out of the question for now... We are not married yet and it just seems that need counselling before marriage is a really bad sign for things to come...

I have some very hard choices to make :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 7:35am

I have a few questions. How did she come to be disappointed that you feel she does not preform oral sex as well as other partners you've had? How do you know that she really does enjoy the sex? (Short of reading minds, you don't.) Would you continue with marriage plans if she told you that she either isn't into sex with you or sex in general? Do you think she already understands that you might not continue with plans to propose if she disclosed this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 8:03am

How did she come to be disappointed that you feel she does not preform oral sex as well as other partners you've had?

Probably because after tons of time that I spent talking her into it, I didn't even come (to my defense I was drunk... and so was she). Also possibly because she once overheeard me telling a friend about a former partner who "deep throuted" oral sex.I did make sure I told her about 20 times that it was awesome and I liked it when she (my GF!!) gave me oral sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:14am
<>

Truthfully... yes. It sounds like she's a "core LL." This is highly unlikely to change. I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but in your shoes I'd seriously rethink the relationship. If it bothers you now, it'll bother you 100 times as much after 10 years of marriage. By then you may have a couple of kids, and you'd be blowing up not only a marriage but a family.

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:18am
<>

Well, you can get a pretty good idea. That's what human perceptiveness is about -- figuring things out without having spelled out. IMO, if he senses she isn't into the sex, he's probably right. Perhaps she gets something nonsexual out of it, but that's not the same as being sexually transported and compelled to keep going.

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2011
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:27am

I don't know that I agree with human intuition and the sexual pleasure of a partner. Even with evidence of wetness, she could be faking her pleasure level.

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