Have to Have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
Have to Have?
86
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 2:31pm

I have been married for over 10 years…together for 18.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
In reply to: mcls222
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 3:12pm

If you truly are interested in sex once a week and he 2-3 times then the gap you have to bridge may not be all that significant. The real issue is can he manage to live with 1-2 a week and conversly can you live with 1-2 as opposed to just once?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mcls222
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 3:20pm
>>On the other hand from your title and the content of your post it appears as though maybe once a week may be genuinely more than you want?<< Of course once a week is more than she genuinely wants. Why would she want any sex with this person, who obviously has some issues when he doesn't get what he wants? When you are put in the position where you have to "put out" to avoid someone's wrath, and when you are told that a "quickie that you aren't into" isn't good enough, your desire dies pretty damn fast, let me tell you. On the other hand, I think that couples counseling can be the tool that drives him to take hold of his issues, IF she and the therapist can make him see his part in the problem, and IF they are working towards a resolution from both sides.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
In reply to: mcls222
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 3:43pm

"Of course once a week is more than she genuinely wants. Why would she want any sex with this person, who obviously has some issues when he doesn't get what he wants?"

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mcls222
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 6:13pm
I think it may be too late to salvage much here. Should have done counselling when his anger first surfaced. Before she developed such an aversion. Now will have much more work to do to get her to feel safe.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
In reply to: mcls222
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 10:34am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
In reply to: mcls222
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 10:44am

For many years, if I was not in the mood for sex when he was he would get angry and upset with me, storm out of bed and not talk to me or pout for several days afterwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
In reply to: mcls222
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 10:55am

In the beginning I would definitely say I was a once a week'er for sure..where I would feel in the mood, but as time went by and the anger came out of him for what he felt as being rejected I got wore out with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
In reply to: mcls222
Wed, 12-28-2011 - 11:31am
Do understand, as much resentment as you've built-up, he's likely to be carrying a even bigger load. You at least get to feel wanted, he's rejected, failed, a loser, a grudging marital duty, clear worthless/spineless trash.....and those are the mild things that go through some of our thoughts.....ML is corrosive to the soul, ego, self-worth.

Find a marriage counselor asap
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: mcls222
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 9:53am
>>>>> Find a marriage counselor asap <<<<<

Nah. Just give him the freedom to go find someone who actually wants to be with him. Don't threaten to divorce him. Don't hold him up for money. Just tell him you love him and you see you are hurting him and if he needs sex more often than you can provide, help him find someone who can fulfill that need for him. Isn't that what people do for someone they love? Help that person achieve their goals and dreams and desires?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mcls222
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 10:32am
>>tell him you love him and you see you are hurting him and if he needs sex more often than you can provide, help him find someone who can fulfill that need for him. Isn't that what people do for someone they love? Help that person achieve their goals and dreams and desires?<< Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and got totally denied for my effort and sacrifice as usual. I think this CAN be good advice, but it should be noted that not all HLs will take the LL up on their offer, and some may actually go so far as to deride the LL for making such an offer. Mine told me that I obviously didn't care, and wasn't willing to make the effort to save the relationship, and that I was pulling my usual BS of doing a runner everytime things got hard, and on and on ad nauseum. A way out isn't what all (or even most) HLs are looking for.

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