He has no sex drive...I have very HL..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2010
He has no sex drive...I have very HL..
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:43am

Here's the back story. We have been together for a year and five months. In the very beginning of our relationship, we were all about physical attraction. He was very into wanting to give me pleasure, as I had never really experienced it. When he realize how difficult it was to get me to orgasm, as I never had, he said he would work on it until I did.
Our relationship underwent lots of stress. Fighting, disagreements, yelling, crying(my end of course), because he had an overly flirtatious personality. He developed a very close friendship with another girl while we were dating and many times, there texting involved sexual words(as in says in context). It got to the point where one night he got terribly drunk and took these innocent messages way over the line. I confronted him. It took him a few days, but it eventually owned up to it.

I tend to have a very big insecure, low self-esteem issue. I think it all stems from when I do not feel wanted, sexy enough, good enough in general. During the time of the texting and what not, I thought maybe he was cheating on me. We went from having sex every time I stayed over which may have been every week, to moving in together and having sex 3-4 times a week, to maybe 1-2 times a week. I started to believe that he had no desire for me. He would look at porn and may/may not masturbate when I was working.

I understand when I am not around and you are aroused a need a relief. He once told me, how could I be having sex with someone else, if I am not even having sex with my own girlfriend...At this same time, we had already been living together for a few months. We moved in together only after 5months. He said he feared I would leave him because we didn't have enough sex.

Well I hadn't left, seeing as it's been a year and five months. We have gone from 2-4 times a week, to 2-4 a month. We have had this conversation regarding the lack of intimacy several times and he had an excuse. I am just stressed out, no energy, I have more important things on my mind like my education, it's just a phase. He would say it isn't me, it isn't me. He said I am the most sexual person he has ever been with. When we first got together, he said he wanted someone who would take it when they wanted. When I wanted it, I would try and he would reject me. He said I now realize that is not what I want. I want to do it when I am in the mood. He sees me as always being in the mood, which may be true, but there are times that I am more in the mood than others and if I am rejected, it hurts 10x more.

Last night, I tried to initiate and he said I just don't want to tonight. In the past two months maybe, he has said I want to have sex with you, and if I had the time, I would. We had the time last night and nothing. He might passionately kiss me every now and then and to me, that leading to sex would be spontaneous. He says that because him getting in the mood is so far in between, that he would want to be the one to make the move, let it be spontaneous. When I get out of the shower and you tell me to go to the bedroom to have sex, does not sound like spontaneous to me.

I am just sooo sexually frustrated. He looks at porn, on a weekly basis he says, and I hate feeling like when he does happen to get in the mood, I'm not around. The last time we had sex was Friday and before that it was Saturday of the previous week. Now it being 9/27, almost a new month, we have had sex 4 times. He said once that from a study, it is common for couples to have sex 1-4 times a month. He knows I have a much higher desire than 1-4 times a month and that might be because I have a hard time reaching orgasm. He thinks I am consumed with trying to please him and be everything he wants in a sexual partner, that I cause mental anxiety that prevents me from reaching the "Big O." I think it is true. I would much rather have sex than masturbate because I have not figured out what all makes me tick, I guess.

I just don't understand why only after a year a five months, we are having intimacy issues, but if we want to be technical, we have been having these issues 6months into our relationship. Maybe we are not sexually compatible. He thinks that he has just lost his sex drive and our relationship had come at the same time.

I'm 23 and he's 31...there are many men that are in their early thirties and have not lost their drive. I'm not expecting him to be like an 18year old guy, but to have some desire to satisfy me. I don't know if he is still masturbating as much as he used to, but if that is the case, I wish I knew about it. I wish I believed him when he says it isn't me.

What else could it be? It's been an ongoing thing that I have been trying to deal with. It is the only aspect of our relationship that I wish was different. I am happy, but I am very unhappy sexually. I believe that all my insecurities of thinking I am not good enough or that he will meet someone and cheat on me stems from the fact that I do not feel wanted or needed. Words and promises of love can only go so far. A relationship is a dynamic bond on so many levels.

Please men and women respond. Any and all advice is needed and appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:18am


I wish people would stop separating their sex life and the rest of the relationship so they can justify staying in an unhappy situation.

I think you should get out before you're married or pregnant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:22am
Aren't you glad I never do that. I just come on out and say "I'm miserable" lol
roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:47am


For starters, this is a big turn off for most people. It seems like you want sex for all the "wrong" (i.e., unhealthy) reasons. You are using sex as a drug to medicate your feelings of unworthiness. Speaking as someone who once did that myself, that's not healthy or productive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:56am

He is who he is and if he has a low libido, that's part of who he is, it's how he's wired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:49pm

>>Aren't you glad I never do that. I just come on out and say "I'm miserable" lol<<

Haha, yeah. I'm all for full reality checks.
Like how I know fully well my partner and I need counseling, but I'll willingly admit I am worried about bringing it up and intend to avoid it for now ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:22pm

It's not clear to me whether you want sex from strong desire and arousal or because you want to prove to him and yourself that you're desirable and sexy. If the latter, take an honest look at your issues and start working on them. Validation is necessary to a point, but you shouldn't need constant validation and reassurance. It's a sure way to push a partner away. If it's out of genuine desire/arousal that you want all that sex, then you and your partner may be mismatched.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 4:41pm


It seems to me that women tend to have a reactive sexuality as opposed to most male's active sexuality. That is probably why it often wanes so quickly after the "conquest" is done. Probably fodder for another thread but it's something I have been thinking about for some time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2008
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 8:34pm

I can imagine how you feel. I'm in a very similar situation and glad to hear some of my feelings in another person who is not in a marriage situation. I want to talk about the masturbation thing, as that is also a problem I have with my boyfriend. It totally hurts and offends me when he tells me we can't have sex because he already masturbated earlier. I don't get why he can't hold it for me. I can try to understand being in the moment, but if our issue is something he wants to work on too, then you'd think he could make an effort. He still masturbates with porn, as far as I know, most days.

I'm writing this as I'm taking another rejection really hard. We've been together a year and a couple months and this has always been a problem. Obviously it varies a bit or I couldn't have handled being in this situation for so long. We'll have a serious talk about it for the millionth time and he says he is taking it seriously and will try to compromise too somehow, but there are almost no results. At the end of the day, it still hurts just knowing that desire for me isn't natural to him. I hate it. Of course I totally love everything else about being with him. If we break up, I will probably go a lot longer without sex than I do now. I know I could easily hook up with my ex, but it wouldn't be a relationship, which is what I do want. I'm not out just to get laid or anything. I want a partner that is a great match for me, like my current boyfriend, but with the added desire. I asked him if there was something he could take to increase his libido or testosterone or something, would he. He said no. I feel stupid typing this, as I'm sure anyone reading it is thinking "DUH! Your answer is right there!!"

With each occurence of this, I feel more and more willing to try to move on. I guess that's good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 8:47pm
It is very important to remember that a bf/gf situation is