He just doesn't get it. I need to feel desired and wanted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
He just doesn't get it. I need to feel desired and wanted!
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 9:31am

I'm at my wits end with my husband and our sex life. I've tried talking to him over and over and it goes in one ear and out the other. I've never had a problem with men telling me I was attractive or sexually desirable until I marred my husband. I feel so undesirable and wanted right now it sucks. He doesn't make any moves ever and his way of trying to appease me which is like once a month will be him saying we'll have date night tonight. Then it doesn't happen until two or three days later and after me getting after him about it. I've tried talking to him one on one about how I'm feeling neglected and unwanted and he says well it's not true. I get hurt and I cry and it only pushes him away more. I'm fourty and my kids are grown and out of the house. I have guys message me saying they want to get together with me but I would not do that because I am married and I do love my husband but I need to feel like a women and I don't. We have been married a year and no he wasn't like that when we met. We had a long distant relationship that was over 2000 miles away for four months. I sometimes feel like maybe if I just left and didn't see him for a few days then I will get that attention met. I'm so discouraged and I don't know what else to do. I just want him to show me that I'm still desirable. Any suggestions would be great. Tired of being dissapointed and getting no where.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004

If you had a long distance relationship, how do you know he wasn't like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010


Hi. Sorry to hear that you are having this problem so early in your marriage. Unfortunately, a lot of different things could cause the problem you described. My guess is that maybe moving in with you wasn't as nice as he hoped, a real possibility since you two were long distance before. However, this is only a guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Making someone else responsible for how you feel about yourself is a slippery slope. Especially just one person. And forcing someone to express the feelings you want them to feel, in the way you want them to be expressed is losing game for certain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
I would ask is it possible he could have trust and/or inadequacy issues? This could cause apprehension in a guy.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think you may do to cause other men to send you overt invitations for hooking up? Could it be that whatever it may be, he has witnessed that? If so, he could feel it's inevitable that the other shoe will drop, and he's protecting himself from being hurt.

At this stage his subconscious may be devising a mechanism whereby he can say "well, I wasn't that interested anyway. They can have her."

I don't bring that up to point fingers at you, but to offer this "strategy": Try several days of "you're the only one for me, baby" type interaction whenever it fits into the hugging and kissing or hellos and goodbyes. There are endless variations of that message, both verbal and non-verbal that you could incorporate. A large dose of self-confidence AND confidence in you could potentially turn this around for you in a big way.

Hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2011
I'm going to post something on the "Beauty and the Beast" thread and you may relate to some of it.