HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
HELP
32
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 9:16am

Well, the other shoe is about to fall. I am going to try to control the timing of it to best deal with the situation. He’s been different for the last few weeks, he doesn’t really touch me at all, he’s not hurting me, he’s not initiating sex in any way, he is not touching me in bed. Now, honestly, I am pretty happy right now. I wouldn’t mind having had sex a few times in the last few weeks, (I’ve thought about it maybe 6 times in the last 3 weeks) but overall, I feel like things are going smoothly. He’s not being grouchy or hyper critical or anything.

Here’s the issue. He’s been keeping way away from me in bed, and in the last few days he’s been talking about “building a wall” and “going to sleep somewhere else” and he’s putting up a pillow wall between us. Night before last he said “I just want to sleep without being bothered, just like you.” And last night he said something about “isnt’ that what roommates do?” I’ve sort of shrugged off these comments for the most part, because at 10:30 at night I am NOT willing to start a big old fight, when I have to work in the morning. But a fight is going to come, so I might as well try to do something to make it more convenient and maybe beneficial, right?

So I thought tonight, after dinner, I’d launch a discussion. But I am not sure what my approach should be. I need help. I need strength. I need guidance.

What say you all?

roo and snowy siggie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 9:58am

he is throwing a temper tantrum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:14am

Is my only option really to fix the ENTIRE relationship in one go? I mean I can't really complain about his treatment of me right now, since he's been NICE for weeks. I thought about saying something regarding where he thinks he would find a "roommate" that would work full-time, hand over their paycheck, wait on him hand and foot, etc etc...but I don't want to focus on the "roommate" part because if that's how he feels, that's how he feels...

I dunno...I'm adrift, and don't want to go down the path of trying to fix everything at once...

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:42am
...which part are you wanting to address with him?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:43am

"trying to fix everything at once..."


Rarely works...


I suppose in these situations, I try to envisage how I will feel at the end of the conversation, and what I will have achieved, and to make sure I behave in a way that meets my standards and integrity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:59am

what I want to do is address whatever it is that he is "hinting around" at, get it out at a time and place that is least destructive to me, and where am I most prepared (mentally and physically) to deal with it.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 11:01am
..truly Miranda...I don't know what you can do or say...I don't think he'll react in a way that will be remotely therapeutic for your relationship...so, maybe just lay it out and listen...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 11:55am

My problems aren't really with retaliation, it's more with becoming defensive or shutting down completely. The shutting down is because I don't want to argue, and he's attacking, so I just shut down, and feel lousy and let him say whatever horrible, hurtful, untrue things he wants, because it's the quickest path to making it stop.

Neither of these things (defending myself or shutting down) helps, but once he starts on the attack/blame/lash out cycle, I don't see any other way.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 12:34pm

"the quickest path to making it stop"


in the short term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:04pm

I do run to the bathroom every time he does it, because it sets off my IBS. Maybe I need to jump up and give him a hug...

I know others on here say to leave, but I am not sure I am up to that.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: mirandarr8
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:13pm

"give him a hug" - well sometimes a complete off-the-wall thing can do the trick.

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