Help - how mismatched is too mismatched?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2010
Help - how mismatched is too mismatched?
3
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 10:28am

My husband and I have been together 13 years, married for 9. We have a toddler and a new baby. We've always been the case of "opposites attract", in almost every area. I'm controlled and organized, he's spontaneous and adventurous. He's HL, I'm LL. He'll cry at the drop of a hat, and I'll keep it together until it gets way too heavy, then cry my eyes out. We both bring emotional baggage to the table, and I thought that our love and respect for each other - and commitment to continuing to work on our relationship - would be enough.

Last month, he betrayed my trust by "turning outside the marriage" in an emotional way. I believe he's been faithful to me until now, and I believe this is the first time (not living in denial - have really given this one a lot of thought). I'm devastated at the betrayal of trust, and am having a very hard time getting over it. We were in couples counseling a year ago because his temper started increasing and our emotional connection was low, but I stopped going because I was so nauseous because of being pregnant (sick for the whole 9 months), the therapy stressed me out too much. I have since returned to solo therapy to keep trying to become a more relaxed, happier person - and then this happens.

I just don't know how mismatched is too mismatched. He's incredibly sorry for the betrayal, really wants to keep our marriage and family together, and while I really want to do the same, am nagged by thoughts that maybe we're just too different to ever make each other really happy. It makes me go into fetal position to even think about what divorce would do to the kids, let alone contemplate a life alone and let go of what I thought my life was - and would be. And after this betrayal of trust, added to my already low libido, I have a hard time finding him attractive or manly. All he does is cry and talk about how he wants to feel desired. My heart breaks because he should feel desired by his wife, but can't help feeling disgusted - which brings on the guilt.

Any tips from married folks who have been there? I went into this marriage eyes open - knowing we would have to work on this, but thinking my husband was stronger than he was and had more clarity about what he was - and wasn't - capable of handling. Help :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 12:33pm

"Any tips from married folks who have been there? I went into this marriage eyes open - knowing we would have to work on this, but thinking my husband was stronger than he was and had more clarity about what he was - and wasn't - capable of handling. Help :("


We all have breaking points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 5:05pm

No one can tell you how much mismatch is too much, that's something only you can decide for yourself and he decide for himself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 7:00am
I'm not an advocate of staying if it can't be fixed, but here's something before it gets to that point.