From hero to zero!! What am i doing wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
From hero to zero!! What am i doing wrong?
8
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 11:17am

Hello....been a while since I've posted on here - I could do with some advice please as to what i'm doing wrong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 1:49pm

I dont have masses of confidence and sex is a big way for me to be reassured that I'm wanted/desired etc

This is a problem...YOUR problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 2:54pm

Becky, you probably think that you would be happy with sexual interaction twice a day because you know yourself well enough to state as much.

It's simple... go find a guy who wants to give you that which, in most cases,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 5:03am

he just says he's tired etc

obviously while we were both tired our sex life was pretty much on the back seat as he was really tired

There's no "just" or "obviously" about it, not on a long term basis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 9:50am

Its not you, first off, you guys have only been living together for 4 months, 3 of which have been spent working your butts off on a house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 4:32pm

You don't say how long you've been in a relationship with him before moving in together. From my experience, couples have a lot more sex at the beginning of a relationship, and you can't base what your real sex life will be like at the very beginning of a relationship. I had one experience with a guy that I was in a relationship with for a year. In the first few months, I was happy with the amount of sex we had. He wasn't very adventurous, but I figured we would progress in that area as we grew closer. During that year, sex dwindled to twice a month, as he was exhausted from work, or had to digest his food or had stomach problems, etc. He never got more adventurous with lovemaking, even though I would discuss possibilities with him. Even though I had gotten feedback from others that I was attractive and sexy, his lack of desire made me question all of that.

Basically, we were not compatible in that area, nor were we compatible in many major ways. I stayed for a year because I cared about him, but I was definitely not happy, and hoping things would change. We broke up, which freed me to eventually find a man I was sexually compatible with, and we are also compatible in all of the major ways. I am 100% happier now. I can't believe I stayed with that other man so long. Sometimes you're too close to

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 11:42am

Hi again and thanks for all the replies - I know partly it's my problem in that I shouldn't use intimacy to give me self confidence - it's never happened before in a relationship and I think the reason it's a problem now is that I'm not 100% confident about it (our relationship).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 12:28pm

Dont be so hard on yourself, you cant compare yourself to someone because they were a 'model'

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:25am
I agree with the others that desiring sex as a form of validation is bad (and I am more guilty of that than anyone here). Takes one to know one. So yes, you should work on that.

One question: how does he react when you mention that you are not a "page 3 girl"? Does he tell you that in his eyes you are beautiful? Or does he say that beauty is only skin deep and your other qualities are more important?

I often warn HL women who choose a "nice guy" after a string of "bad boys" not to be surprised if he turns out to be LL. After all, the things that make him "nice" and "safe" tend to be correlated with LL. And even if the HL female is willing to trade away some "hot" to get "safe", she should be up front with the guy, because he may not want to be with someone who thinks of him as "not hot".

In your case, maybe his model ex-gf cheated on him. Maybe he thinks that since you are not a "page 3 girl", you are "safer" than a model. Maybe contentment is enough for him. But is it enough for you? You are entitled to want what you want. If you want a partner who is crazy with desire for you, then you need to fnd out if this guy is capable of feeling that way toward you. If so, great. If not, time to move on.

When you see it coming, duck!