He's losing his right to complain (vent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2002
He's losing his right to complain (vent)
7
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 8:54am
Some of you may remember that my SO and I had agreed on sex 2-3 times a week at his request. I'll admit I've had some trouble keeping up my end of the bargain (working overtime and studying for a licensing exam that is now in a week and a half) due to fatigue, etc. He made a request Monday night while I was trying to study, I said "How about Tuesday?" and he agreed. So yesterday afternoon I sent him an e-mail suggesting that there was still going to be intimacy last night, to which I got a positive response.

When I got home from work, he met me with a drink (good move) and then went out to pick up dinner (even better move), while I did what I needed to do. When he got home again (he was gone about 15 minutes), I was waiting for him on the couch, in a blue thong and satin robe, with candles lit, ready to go. He was, for some reason, in a bad mood and was generally grouchy and unresponsive. What the heck am I supposed to do with that? He's asked me to be more forward, okay, so after instructing him in which articles of clothing to remove in what order...nothing. I tried to be sexy, I was touching him, I was half-naked, and he just wasn't getting aroused. What else am I supposed to do?!?! Now I know someone may suggest that he's been masturbating on the side, but if he knew that sex was going to happen, I seriously doubt that he'd jeopardize that just to get off a couple hours earlier!

It's not bad enough that I'm stressed about the exam and a bunch of crap going on at work and I haven't had time to exercise in weeks (my self-image is suffering), but now I don't excite him. This is doing wonders for my libido, which I thought was coming back for a while but now am not so sure.

Just an aside for marriedsexylawyer (kind of similar to your DH's experience), I saw my parents touch each other exactly one time in the 13 years that I was alive before they divorced. I was six years old and I saw them hug each other. My parents gave no outward appearance that they were anything other than roommates who happened to sleep in the same bed.

Thanks for letting me vent, I appreciate it. Obviously I can't really confront him to much about this arousal issue because I don't want to make him self-conscious (self-fulfilling prophecy), but this is really getting to me.

Judie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 10:29am
Judie_rae, I don't think there is anything wrong with your breaking your agreement to have sex 2-3 times a week for special circumstances. It sounds like he made a special request to set aside time to be intimate last night. That's cool too. Somehow he didn't get excited last night and you seem to think that since he is the one who keeps asking for sex, he'd better perform well, otherwise he has no right to complain about the lack of sex. I beg to differ on that one. Contrary to the commonly held LL belief, we HLs are not mighty sex machines always in gear around the clock to satisfy our partners anytime anywhere. LOL. We have our bad days too and we expect our LL partners to be understanding of us. We get turned down for sex so often that we ask our partners for sex all the time and make ourselves available for sex all the time. Sometimes our LL partners respond when we are not at our best. We never turn them down for fear of not knowing when our LL partners may be willing to have sex next. It is quite possible that the timing was not the best for your BF last night. Perhaps he was tired, in a bad mood, whatever. It is best not to draw any conclusions about your attractiveness to him or his lack of performance based on what happened last night. Not every sexual encounter goes as planned. It is always a good idea to maintain a relaxed stance and not to overanalyze individual sexual encounters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 10:35am
Hi (again!) - hadn't read this when I posted my other message below - what a horrible experience! There you are in your blue thong and he's grumpy and unresponsive...for that, you get to become an honorary HL for the day!! BTDT just doesn't say the half of it!

But joking apart, this is where the Dr Sharnach challenge comes in. "What the heck am I supposed to do with that?" you said. Well, first you're supposed to feel proud of yourself and good about yourself for doing what you did - make a serious effort to push against your own boundaries, grow,and become more intimate with your partner. Good for you. Next....you're supposed to take a deep breath, avoid the "I did good... so he's a **** for not responding an appreciating me" train of thought, and continue to grow. This means saying to yourself - "okay, he didn't respond the way I hoped or the way I think would have been positive for us. That sometimes happens. I still did good, I was true to myself. So I'm fine. I will continue to grow and be true to myself. That process doesn't require his cooperation."

Me? I'd probably spend a week crying. But I wouldn't advise it. I think Scharnachs way is going to do more for you.

Hugs.




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2002
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:10am
If this was the only time that it happened, then it wouldn't be such a big deal to me. But this has been happening frequently since we made the agreement(and have been following through) to have sex more often. He is relying on me to initiate sex now, and he does tell me when he's not up to it, but we had talked about it during the day and even after I got home from work, he knew it was coming, there was absolutely no doubt about it, and he still didn't say that he wasn't up for it. But he put no effort into it either, and that's the part I don't get. He asked for sex when he knew I'd say yes (because I have been for several weeks), but then.....

I'm really frustrated by this. He says he wants sex, but he's obviously not into it and apparently expects me to somehow change his mind but without telling me how. I'm fine with him not being in the mood and telling me, but I wish he wouldn't let it go all the way to naked and let me figure it out for myself that he's not in the mood and offer no explanation for why I'm not turning him on, I'm just not doing it right.

Thanks for your response, I'm just really frustrated and needing to talk to SOMEBODY about it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2002
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 11:26am
Thanks...it feels like a taste of what you all go through, and I have to say I DON'T LIKE IT. Can't blame you! As far as spending a week crying, well, I spent about 10 minutes on it and am hoping that after my exam is over with and my stress level goes down that there will be less overall tension in the house, which should at least help me be more understanding and he may feel more comfortable living there!

The blue thong (a Christmas present, with pink, black, and leopard companions, from SO) will go back in the drawer with its mates until *I* feel like wearing any of them again. Maybe this is his subconscious way of getting me back, maybe he's not as in-control of his brain and body as he claims to be, maybe he just needs more exercise (he's been lax for the last 6 weeks or so). All I know is that it's frustrating to have a limp one that won't respond, especially frustrating because it's on Mr. Macho Superjock. Stereotypes don't seem to do men any favors either!

Thanks for the nod, I'm still LL but still trying too.

Judie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:42pm
Judie, I too never saw my parents express any physical affection together, just the obligatory kiss goodbye in the morning before leaving for work. My parents are still married, co-exisit fairly well as roomates, and no longer share the same bed or room at night. I do not want to end up like that!

((((((HUGS))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:49pm
Strawberry...you are 'too cute'!!! See what I mean about learning all this wonderful new info. from Dr. S, but yet when the situation arises our impulse is to spend a week crying. DON'T YOU DARE!!! You're not allowed to do that anymore, now that you know what you do about 'holding onto yourself'!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:55am
Well you know cornchex...after going through my "crucilble" (is there NO self help book, however good, that can avoid inventing ridiculous jargon...?)maybe I'll discover that crying all the time is the real ME....