He's obsessed with sex and I could care less....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2002
He's obsessed with sex and I could care less....
26
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 4:58am

I am not an affectionate person. I mean, I like holding hands and a kiss here and there, but I have NEVER been the type of person who just has to jump someones bones because I need to. Because I never need to. I could care less if I have sex at all.

My fiance is obsessed with sex and all things sex-related. I've tried to talk to him about our ML but he insists that I don't try hard enough. I work night shift forty hours a week and go to college full-time... I'm sorry if I don't feel like coming home and blowing you. I get racy text messages when Im at work, when I'm in class, and then I just get annoyed.

Today i found porn video after porn video on his computer... probably at least 30 different videos from websites. Then I stumbled upon PERSONAL videos of him with other girls... two of him and his ex and then one of me! I never consented to being videotaped during any time we've had sex, and the fact that he did it without me knowing makes me sick. I asked him about it and he said he did it because "I knew you would say no".... that's right, because anytime he has asked me before I have ALWAYS said no. I just don't feel comfortable being videotaped. Although come to think of it, maybe I should because then I could get my own reality show like Kim Kardashian...

Anywhoo, its not the porn that bothers me. I mean, it does bother me but at this point I feel like I have to pick my battles. The videos of other girls, the pictures of other girls going down on him, the secret video of ME is what I am upset about. It makes me wonder if these other girls knew they were being taped.

He threw a HUGE fit last summer over pictures I had on my computer of my ex and I in Cancun, the only pictures I have from the trip because I lost my camera. He demanded I delete them and any other pictures of any exs that I had, and go through my hope chest and throw away anything that had to do with any of my previous relationships.... Yet he has SEX TAPES of his ex-girlfriend on his computer that he happened to "forget" he had.

I have no idea what to do. I feel violated. I feel sick that someone I love and am ENGAGED to be married to has secretly videotaped us having sex.

Any suggestions on what to do about this situation would be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2002
A little more information... He's into hardcore stuff... bondage, S&M, etc. He can get quite rough during, like pulling my hair or putting his hands around my neck, etc. This took alot to get used to (and I'm still getting used to it) but he cant just have slow, nice sex. It has to be me with thigh-highs and stripper heels on, complete with wrist restraints and ball gags. Sometimes I feel this is the only way he will get off. There have been many times before when I've just plain refused any of his "toys" and he can't orgasm. I understand that sex it supposed to be an initmate connection between two people, but with us it feels like he just wants to treat me like some porn star from kink.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Seems like you're looking for validation in splitting up.

To state some information from your account: you feel violated and have lost trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
My plain advice: don't get married to this guy. Right now you're still "getting used to" his sexual style, but I can guarantee that in a year or five years you'll lose your drive to accommodate. At that point your fights will intensify, your sexual styles will become further polarized, and you'll find yourselves at the head of the divorce queue -- possibly with two young children to further complicate your lives.

I don't agree with Mol that you're unsuited for marriage. You're just unsuited for marriage with THIS particular man.

JMHO Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

FLM, you're right of course, marriage is fine, provided - and here's the rub - that she's very upfront about what she wants and doesn't want with her partner, for both their sakes.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
I think the following is what mol referred to. I have given the following advice in the past, and I agree with mol it seems to apply to you as well:

If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.

Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him.

After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.
Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you.

Sex is one of the Top Two reasons couples divorce. Libido mismatch is more than enough to destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Be thankful you spotted this early and can get out relatively easily (compared to after marriage and kids).

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

Mismatched libido is one thing (and I agree with abslutely everything you said). But him secretly videotaping just speaks to his character, and she needs to run from him. He did it secretly because he knew she would say no??? there's no respect there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Not only does it speak of poor character, but I would imagine there are laws against that? Something akin to martial rape in that having consensual access to something does not confer nonconsensual access.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Glenn and Deedle, Yes, this is a guy who cares more about getting his rocks off than he does about anything else (her, the state of the relationship, etc) She needs to get as far away from him as she can, as fast as she can and never look back. He won't change. He will always put his sexual desires before her priorities. He's actually an abusive dirtbag. And I am not saying that because of his sexual tastes (which are totally valid, imo, if you like it rough, you like it rough, nothing wrong with that per se) but because he doesn't care about having her INFORMED CONSENT prior to engaging in what he wants. That's not BDSM, folks, that's abuse! And I should know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

I'm all in fo any kind of fun you both enjoy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

MIranda and Evil, boith bring up good points too.

#1. He is abusive, plan and simple.

#2. If its what BOTH enjoy, then go for it.

Going behind her back on the video thing is such a red flag, I shope she realizes it and gets away from him.

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