Hi, New Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Hi, New Here
73
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 8:49pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to the board. I have an issue that has cropped up with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost a year now, and we have been living together for almost two months. I was hesitant about moving in so early in our relationship, but we are very committed to each other and would like to get married some day. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and we seem to be really perfect for each other. BUT...since I have moved in, things have gone pretty stale. I do not initiate well, and even when I think I am initiating, apparently he doesn't get the picture because it never works, so I have since stopped trying. I would prefer to have sex at least a few times a week, even though he usually only initiates about once a week. When we go more than a week, I start getting insecure and feeling neglected and upset. I really, really want to be with him, but feeling physically attractive to my partner is a really big deal to me. I don't feel like I should have to go to any great lengths to get my own partner to be attracted to me...if I believed that then I would have been out in the bars in heels and mini skirts flirting it up with the rest of the girls. That has never been my style, and I feel like if someone is truly attracted to me then it shouldn't have anything to do with whether I pretty myself up or wear lingerie or anything like that. He wasn't attracted to me initially because of those things, so I guess I'm just saying please don't suggest that as a course of action because it will fall on deaf ears.

Today I have been upset about this, and I have told him why I am upset. All he says it that he IS attracted to me, and that he's sorry that he has made me feel that he is not. And I just look at him and say, well, that's nice of you to SAY that, but those words mean absolutely nothing to me aside from the fact that he doesn't seem to realize that I'm not getting my needs met.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 4:48am

Firstly, no one can make you feel beautiful and attractive for any length of time. That is too much pressure to put on any one person and you need to find that confidence within yourself, not rely on exterior input.

Secondly - You seem to put a lot of pressure on him to initiate. You say he doesn't seem to get it when YOU initiate, so maybe he's slow or you're too timid. Either explanation requires you to communicate more clearly. Stroke your hand down his chest, kiss his neck and say: "Want to get naked with me?". Or take his hand, lead him into the bedroom (if that is your preferred place for sexual activity) and start undressing him while you kiss, lick, touch and bite. Or go up to him and say: "I want to have sex now. Want to come too?". Or rub your butt against his groin while you're in bed in the morning, while you say: "I really want you inside me."

There's a thousand approaches even a guy will understand.

If you do not see these ways of initiating as an option for you, then you are obviously not willing to change your approach to better the situation - and there's no reason why he should either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 9:46am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 10:19am

I was in a similar situation with a man for a year, but worse. At the beginning of the relationship, we had sex a few times a week and I was excited about being in a relationship with him. After about 3 month, it started dwindling, and by the end, it was only about twice a month. He couldn't have sex right after he ate a meal. He was physically exhausted from work. He had a headache. I could see that his libido was no where near mine, and I would never be happy with him. We were not compatible in many other ways, as well, and we broke up after a year. You date someone to see if you are compatible. You are now seeing that you two are not on the same page sexually. It's never to late to right a wrong. Move out and seek someone who meets all of your main needs. I'm now with my fiance who is exactly on the same page as me with sex and in all other important areas. I'm a million times happier. Do what's best for yourself. Don't settle. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 10:22am

Welcome to the board!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 11:51am

In short, this is all dating / living together is about. He probably is LL and is fine with it and its his right to be so ,lol ! But its not his duty to make you feel beautiful, sexy etc. He has to feel that to have sex with you, if that makes sense?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 12:18pm

I have given the following advice in the past, and I think it applies to you as well:


If I were you, I would thank

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 5:18pm
You may be right, freelance. But if that's the case, then my advice will certainly force the issue by creating a situation where he has to flat out refuse sex.

I just cannot see that this is purely an LL/HL situation, since they both seem to be lacking initiative. Perhaps they're just both passive personalities?

Who knows. But I do agree that all further commitment needs to be on hold *nods*
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 10:52pm
silatuyok wrote:

I do not initiate well, and even when I think I am initiating, apparently he doesn't get the picture because it never works, so I have since stopped trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 10:54pm

Sorry, I am dense but why does your wife putting on perfume make you NOT want to have sex with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 11:05pm
viola2007 wrote:

Sorry, I am dense but why does your wife putting on perfume make you NOT want to have sex with her?

Because by doing things like that she still left it up to me to do the actual initiating. Still left it up to me to get myself into the mood. Still left it up to me to get myself aroused. Still left it up to me to do everything, except help her put the perfume on.

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