is his sex drive normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
is his sex drive normal?
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:45pm
My bf and I have been together for over 2 years. WHen we first started having sex we did it all the time. Then it got to be like 3 or 4 times a wk. Now I moved to a city about an hour away so I stay the weekend there with him every week. We do it like 2 times and that's it. He rejects me quite a bit. Hes always felt like Ive wanted it a lot. One weekend we wouldve done it once except I ended up staying an extra night so it ended up being 2ce. Is this decreased libido normal after 2 yrs or at his age? Hes 22 and Im 23...any input would be nice. I have a nice body and Im cute so I know thats not it, and we are in this just confuses (and frustrates) me....thanks for reading!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:43am
Hi there - sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like what is happening is that after two years you are both beginning to show your true colours. Although you did it all the time at first, he now admits that "he always felt that you wanted it a lot." At the beginning, then, he was going along with it more often than he naturally wanted to, trying to keep up with you, but now after two years he has settled down to his own "natural" level, which is quite a bit below yours, by the sound of it. The amount of sex you had at the beginning WAS your natural level, hence you see no reason to change it.

People like different amounts of sex and it sounds like you and your BF are not entirely compatible on this level - if he was suddenly busy or stressed or whatever it would be different but he doesn'r see you all week, still only wants it twice at weekends and says he always felt you wanted it a lot so this implies that its not a temporary stress thing -this is what he's really like!

It is hard to leave someone you love but at 23, if you don't feel you can live with his libido as it is then you would be well advised to find someone more compatible... for both your sakes. Clashing Libidos is a very stressful and difficult situation to live with - do you REALLY want to spend the next 40 years like this?? Cl situations are very difficult to solve, especially when its the male who is less interested in sex, so don't be fooled into thinking that a bubble bath and some nice new lingerie will do the trick. You are very fortunate to have found this board at such an early stage in your life and relationship - many people here did not have the benefit of a source of advice like this board when they were in your situation and made the mistake of assuming they could sort things out by talking it through or being sexier, or that it would "go back to normal"after a while. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. Unless he REALLY wants to be different there is nothing YOU can do to change the situation so you wil have to live with your sex life as it is. Most likely, he doesn't even see it as a problem.

Many people here are very tied to their relationships because of kids or other commitments, but at 23 you DO have the opportunity to continue to grow and find what you are looking for in life. We all need to find out who we really are before we can make a longterm commitment and our early relationships allow us to do this - discover ourselves and learn about others. You have learnt two very important things about relationships through your current situation: One) that you are a woman who likes a lot of sex and who finds sex important in a relationship and two)that not every one else feels the same! In our sexualised society there is an impression that EVERYONE loves sex and is doing it ALL the TIME, but not everyone DOES love sex so much and in particular not all MEN love sex as much as people make out. There is such an idea around that all men want it ALL the time that most women don't even bother to CHECK their guy is as keen on sex as they are before getting involved - they just assume he is. You now know different, so use this important information to help you make the right choices and do what is right for you in life.

Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:17pm
Hi Andrea,

Sending you warm cyber ((((HUGS)))) and welcome to our board!

You'll be happy to learn that this situation you now find yourself in is not unique. Many so called "normal" and typically happy relationships go through these twisting, winding roads. For the most part, it's sometimes just a BLIP if you will in YOUR particuliar road so nothing to be TOO alarmed about to my way of thinking.

You asked whether your bf's sex drive is normal? Well hon, for him yes--it may be QUITE normal. Your next question may be to ask if YOUR sex drive is normal? Well --for you, yes it may be quite normal. The trick is finding the middle ground where BOTH of you care enough about the other to try to meet somewhere in the middle. One thing to keep in mind is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...I have met many men in my time that were socially deemed "oh so handsome" but since their personalities resembled that of a pile of cow plop I must say that I PERSONALLY found them quite unattractive! For me the ONLY GUY I care about is the one who finds me attractive--and that's what counts. If he didn't then I guess we wouldn't be a good match! LOL! But I admit that my "look" certainly isn't for EVERYONE, but then I don't need everyone to find me attractive.

At any rate, it's difficult to try to squeeze a weeks worth of "life" into a weekend which is, essentially, what it sounds like you're trying to do. (I've BTDT by the way!) It seems like in your case anyway that since you are more apt to be OPEN sexually you tend to save up that energy and BOOM let it loose on that weekend...whereas maybe he finds OTHER ways to satisfy himself during the week and then maybe doesn't feel that insatiable need as you do once the weekend comes. One thing to look at is HOW affectionate IS your bf? Does he hold your hand a lot, hug you, kiss you or just hold you? If not--than you could be subconsciously trying to make up for it with sex. (Just some basic thoughts/ideas...not saying I'm right!)

There is a website that gives specified reasons for clashing libido issues and I've found that at least one applied to each person here at this very board! I'd give you the addy but I can't remember where I found it! It's a wonderful list though and I think I found it on one of the sites trying to tote THEIR particuliar "cure."

You aren't wrong to want sex, he isn't wrong to NOT want it--but BOTH of you would be wrong if you downplay the OTHERS feelings or/and his/her wants/needs/desires. Clashing libidos happen off and on in most all relationships I've ever heard of so don't feel too badly about it. I'm assuming though that no other woman or man is involved and that your relationship is OTHERWISE healthy.

I suggest making a nice dinner--make the night COMPLETELY relaxing. Take this opportunity to have a gentle discussion on what it is you feel you're missing out on. Ask him what he'd like MORE or less could be that the pressure to make love ALONE is enough to warrant him to want it LESS...see what I'm saying? It's all in our attitudes and our ability to be fair and objective. Sometimes we inadvertantly add something to the situation that helps cause the trouble. In other words, right after making love obviously is NOT the time to discuss it. I'd make a concerted effort to PLAN a talk and make sure it was at a good time of day and NOT right before bedtime.

When you DO discuss things with him try to NOT be accusatory. Try to be gentle and help him to know that these are just things that are important to YOU but that you also VALUE what is important to him. In a lot of cases couples can find if they LOOK HARD ENOUGH that they ARE able to meet halfway, they only need to BOTH try--the problem occurs when you have one or both parties who isn't willing to give up TOTAL control or otherwise help in the situation because, as they see it, there is no problem. Such people either need extensive professional help or they need to move on from that relationship and quit torturing themselves and others.

Keep in mind, I don't suggest you talk to him in order to get YOUR way or get more sex. I'm merely suggesting you two discuss eachothers wants/needs/desires. It could be that IF he showed you other types of affections your need/want for sex may dissipate a bit or it could be that if you two spent MORE time together, again, the need for sex may dissipate but of course those are only guesses. It could be that if you resolved to the idea that sex is just more important to you and that's OK than maybe that attitude change would create less friction and stress upon him and he'd be more open to you. All too often we want to know what the other person needs to do to change in order to SUIT US and it's been my experience that this gets folks NOWHERE. Also since you're the one posting here I feel obligated to offer YOU ideas. If he's really against sex or otherwise has some hang ups though it'd be to HIS benefit to seek out counseling, otherwise he can BET on having difficulties in ANY relationship in which he finds himself involved in.

If you've tried talking to him and you've tried doing YOUR share to help to NO avail and he hasn't tried--then I could see maybe considering a seperation or break up but one MUST respect that this has engulfed TWO years of your life and while that isn't 30 yrs of marriage it does deserve respect and I believe it is worth a try, don't you?

Good luck doll and remember, you have us! Welcome again!