HL seem to try to communicate and compromise, but OK for LL not to?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
HL seem to try to communicate and compromise, but OK for LL not to?
27
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 2:02pm

I'm a 40 year old man (HL) who has been married for 16 years with 3 children.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Simply put, the LL is less motivated to "compromise" because s/he is not living with a chronically unmet need. It may not be fair, but it's human nature: the dissatisfied party has an obviously greater motivation to strategize, seek solutions, bend over backwards, etc.

I happen to believe that a waning interest in sex in an otherwise strong marriage is normal (though obviously not universal). I don't think that the level of sexual interest and activity in a long-term relationship is NECESSARILY an indication of a more global problem in the relationship. You keep trying to get your wife to tell you "what's wrong," but from her perspective there may really be nothing wrong. She just doesn't get much out of sex (orgasms notwithstanding) so she's not motivated to pursue it.

That said, if a low level of sex is a problem for one partner, it's a problem for the relationship. I really don't know what to tell you. As you probably already know, these types of issues are difficult to resolve.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here.

You have done the correct thing first. Tried the low conflict approach. Be more helpful. Ask politely if there is anything you can do better. Calmly explain what you want. Wait patiently to see if your partner responds helpfully.

Unfortunately, the low conflict approach has not borne fruit in your case. Now you face an important decision. Are you willing to try a higher risk / higher conflict approach? No one can answer for you. You have to decide for yourself.

No one will judge you harshly for decising "no thanks, I love her too much to risk losing her, I'll just learn to live with less sex than I desire." If that is your choice, make the best of it. Cherish yourself. Throw yourself into other aspects of your life. Take all the joy in life than you can.

If you cannot summon the passion to live life to the fullest without more sex, then you know what you need to do. It isn't easy. It will hurt. You will hurt others. But you will also hurt yourself and others if you refuse to be true to yourself.

Whatever you choose, good luck.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Oh honey, I am right there with you. I won't get into it all here but PLEASE read my post in HL Support "Thinking I just have to deal with it?" I swear to God I think I am you without a penis :) If I had one, I think I might be able to make my life a lot easier ;)
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Another sorry for your situation. Replies so far are hopefully useful, there is a lot of distilled experience in them and in posts on the board.

I agree the first step is to decide what you really want and what you're prepared to do to get it. There's nothing worse for real change that having multiple instances of The TalkTM and then you (and her) not following through on what you agree. That blows both of your credibilities. To make positive changes you need to get to know what you want and be committed to following through come hell or high water.

One thing you said bothered me some:

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011

Simply put, the LL is less motivated to "compromise" because s/he is not living with a chronically unmet need. It may not be fair, but it's human nature: the dissatisfied party has an obviously greater motivation to strategize, seek solutions, bend over backwards, etc.

Good point,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
71Bri - Can I please tell you that I am pretty sure you're life is identical to mine? I wish I had some stellar advice to give you, but I really don't know HOW to deal with this other than to look inside myself and find a way to be okay with this. The only other option is to leave my marriage and I love my husband, we have a family and have been together ten years but more importantly than ALL that, we LOVE each other! I do NOT want to be without him! I just want to be WITH him MORE and with some quality and connection to it!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
marriedinatlanta wrote:
71Bri - Can I please tell you that I am pretty sure you're life is identical to mine? I wish I had some stellar advice to give you, but I really don't know HOW to deal with this other than to look inside myself and find a way to be okay with this. The only other option is to leave my marriage and I love my husband, we have a family and have been together ten years but more importantly than ALL that, we LOVE each other! I do NOT want to be without him! I just want to be WITH him MORE and with some quality and connection to it!

Well, for you and the original poster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Good to "hear" from you trying, hope things are at least OK for you.

Agree with you that the attitudes are all important from both parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2011
Trying - All of that made perfect sense to me. Although I can say that I do feel like I was a victim of the "bait and switch" maneuver. We were having regular (and quite awesome) sex in the beginning. We got married about 6 weeks after we met however and I'm sure that was my error.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
mol42 wrote:

Good to "hear" from you trying, hope things are at least OK for you.

Agree with you that the attitudes are all important from both parties.

Pages