How do I deal with this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2011
How do I deal with this...
7
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 3:56pm

My husband and I have been marreid for 3 years, together for 11. We have one child. Now, I know that our sex life isn't the greatest, but we deal with it.. lately whenever something is mentioned about sex my husband will make a remark or comment about how "some couples do it more than others" or something like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 4:58pm

Now, I know that our sex life isn't the greatest, but we deal with it

YOU are dealing with it but obviously he is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 8:10pm

I'm having a really strong reaction to your note because I know my husband holds feelings and beliefs similar to yours. He recently admitted in counselling that he didn't know when we last had sex. He thought it hadn't been too long ago. I knew the date and hour and I'm fairly certain we're going to zip past the three-month mark.

I'm not saying you're letting it go that long. I'm just saying you probably have a rough idea when you last had sex and he's counting the days, hours and minutes since it last was. You have different perspectives and I imagine you'd both do well if you approached the challenge with a spirit of cooperation. Anyway, I know that's what I would want.

Sometimes it's tough to get tone right on these message boards and some things that aren't meant to be harsh or dismissive can sometimes read that way. If my husband were to suggest my need for sex was an indication that I wasn't as grown up as he is, I would lose it. I would probably leave, to be truthful. It would be evidence to me that my spouse wasn't concerned about my needs and didn't intend to help me address the imbalance.

To the question about whether or not he needs to make those comments, those would bother me too. I think it would be fair to sit down in a non-sexual environment (he'd be able to hear you if it was a day or so after you had last had sex) and talk about your sex life. Talk about how often you would like to have sex. Invite him to tell you about how often he would like to have sex. See if you can stretch a little to meet his need. See if he can step down his ask so that he can meet your need.

I would say the good news is there is no normal amount of sex except what you negotiate between the two of you. But this is a serious issue that needs addressing. I hope you're able to work it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 11:47pm
worldwonder16 wrote:

My husband and I have been marreid for 3 years, together for 11. We have one child. Now, I know that our sex life isn't the greatest, but we deal with it.. lately whenever something is mentioned about sex my husband will make a remark or comment about how "some couples do it more than others" or something like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 6:38am

First of all, congratulations on attending to this, taking the first steps.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 9:48am
Welcome to the forum. I hope you will write back and share more of your thoughts and feelings.

How old is your child? Has your sex life always been "not the greatest", or did something change over the course of the 11 years?

I hope you find your time here rewarding, even if we do tend to "rock the boat" in some of our advice.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 9:55am
Okay here are the answers to the question you didn't ask. Is your husband being an immature a-hole with his comments and attitude? Answer, hell yes! He's being a complete passive agressive jerk. However, this does not mean that he's not trying to tell you something important. I know it's hard to receive a message and be mature when it is being delivered this way, but you must do exactly that. Someone has to be the grown up here, and in this case, it will have to be you. Yes, I know that sucks. Do you want to be right, or do you want to stay married? If you want to stay married, then the answer is to call him out, gently, when he makes this kind of comment. Say to him, (without attitude or anger or hostility of any kind!) "I'm getting the message that there are things about our sex life that are bothering you. I don't want you to be unhappy, so let's just deal with it openly and honestly and try to work together to come to a solution that is reasonable for both of us" Then listen to what he has to say. Listen thoroughly without judgement or interruption. It may take more than one talk of this kind to get him to tell you what is REALLY going on. It could be that he actually needs more frequency, or it could be that he needs more variety or more closeness or more flirting or that he has some unfulfilled fantasy, whatever it is, you need to get to the heart of the thing. Once you have the whole story, you can work on finding ways to meet in the middle. Being in a relationship is work. Anyone who tells you it isn't is either a liar or is in a relationship with a doormat. If you are coasting along without a care in the world, chances are there are problems you don't know about or are sticking your head in the sand about. I know, because I've been there, done that, come out the other side. If you want suggestions on how to meet in the middle, after you find out what his actual problem is, then ask away, there aren't any easy solutions, but there are a bunch of choices. Good luck! And don't let this become a wedge between you, it is ever so much harder when you both have boatloads of resentment piled up about it.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 4:31pm
I agree with Miranda. Poor behavior by your husband, but you probably won't make any progress if you stoop to his level and play tit-for-tat.

When you see it coming, duck!