How do you PROPERLY have the talk about mismatched libidos?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
How do you PROPERLY have the talk about mismatched libidos?
17
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 12:10pm

So I was just curious how one properly have the conversation about mismatched libidos?

To provide a little background, I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been together for a little over a year and a half now. We live a few hours away from each other but we see each other as much as we can... at least every weekend for the whole weekend. I live alone but he had to move back in with his dad as he was laid off from his job as most were due to the rescession. (He has found a new job a few months ago and is saving to move out soon.)

When we first started dating and eventually slept together we had sex at least once a week. Then there was this one time when his dad almost walked in on us and since then it has dwindled to about once a month and has been that way for the last 5 or 6 months. We are inimate in other ways but I am not accustiomed to such a lack of sex. I have tried talking about it before briefly and he said that he doesn't feel comfortable with his dad around (which is valid) and also told me that he has never really been one to initate. He says it's not me and that he loves me and that when he moves out things will get better. I love him and part of me still feels very unresolved about this and like I have no properly communicated why this is a issue for me... that I want that intamcy... after all the way I see it without sex aren't we just two friends that cuddle? Instead my frustration is starting to come out in little snide remarks which is not right...

I want to talk about it for real with him but I am not sure how without coming across like some horn dog... which I fear I did last time. The main reason also why I feel like we really need to discuss it is because I might be moving closer to him soon and I am scared that I am going to uproot my whole life and things are not going to get better like he said they would. In all other way's he is perfect and I get along with him and feel connected to him in ways I never have felt with anyone else on a mental level. He also has confided in me that he was sexually assulted when he was younger and I feel like that might also be a factor but I am scared to bring that up...

So how do I really talk about this? Any help/advice would be greatly apprecaited. Thanks ;)

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009

Why cant he come to your place ? why do you have to go everytime? I guess that would solve your problem -- of no fear of dad etc.

The solution is so easy. Why am I the only to see it ? lol ! Or am I not seeing anything at all ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

First, you can't talk someone into having a higher or lower libido than they possess.

If you want more of something and don't mind it being motivated by something other than intrinsic desire on his part, then proceed with the discussion. My philosophy with serious talks is say it right and, presuming it's fully understood, say it once.

If you demand intrinsic desire from your SO, don't make any major changes on your end and wait it out as long as you need to in order to see where he lands after moving out of his father's house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010

Why are you not comfortable initiating most of the time? I suppose it is because I'm LL that I don't understand why "who initiates" is a major concern.

Were things better before he had to move back in with his Father?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Thanks for your response cherry2009. He comes to my place when he can. The problem is that I have weekends off and he rarely has two consecutive days off to come and visit me. (He works in retail) So therefore I have been doing alot of the traveling. He makes up for it by paying for one of my train or bus tickets there and buying me dinner while I am staying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Thanks for the advice glenn1962. I might take your advice and just wait it out as I would most definitely prefer him to want to do it because he wants to not because I asked him to. And if I do wait then I will probably get the most honest answer. Actions do speak louder than words :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
And thanks for responding tiptoeing-around. For me I don't mind initiating at all, I just want that passion that comes when someone else initiates... I just want a little balance as I feel that relationships should be 50/50 in all respects.

And I am not sure if things were better. By the time we met he had already moved in with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>I think it's possible and realistic to achieve that balance in the relationship overall over a long enough period of time, but it's just not realistic that every single aspect of your relationship will be balanced like that. One of you will be initiating more than the other. One of you will be cooking more than the other. One will be more romantic, one more spontaneous, one more pragmatic, etc. If that is truly your expectation, you are going to be sorely disappointed.<<


True dat! I always say you should expect to do 80% of everything in a relationship. If both of you go in doing 80% it MIGHT come to pass that 100% of all the important stuff gets taken care of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

<< I would most definitely prefer him to want to do it... >>

I think you may have missed one of my points.

He may want to give you more sex but for reasons other than his own, intrinsic, libido-based

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

<>

Of course this would be a solution -- if he wanted one. He obviously doesn't, and is using his father's presence as a foil for his lack of sexual interest. Surely the father isn't around 24/7. People who want something know how to get it. It's really that simple.

To the OP: You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why he doesn't want sex (gay, asexual, weird fetish, abused, inhibited, just the way he is, etc.). But if this is a core aspect of his personality, it won't change. If sex is important to you, think carefully before proceeding further. And whatever you do, don't commit to this guy until you have more information about his long-term sexual capacity.

JMHO

Pages