How does a man broach his HL online?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
How does a man broach his HL online?
35
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 1:16am

Hello all you fantastic I-Villagers!

I am doing a little research on a pet project of mine, and its something that is in the middling phases of product development and marketing, so I thought I could get some help.

Issue: I am a veteran of online dating of well over 10 years, and am looking to create an online dating sight of my own. The content of the sight would be JUST like any other standard free site, with the usual places for our interests, our pictures, and all of the data that any single person would want to see, but with one unique twist. I am trying to figure out a way to accommodate the users libido, in such a way that the individual can choose to "advertise" their interests right in their profile.

Currently, there are specialist sites for sex, for general dating, and so-called "relationship" sites, but many of these refuse to allow for a place to succinctly allow for their libidinous interests to be categorized. IE: Do you like sex a lot? Are you asexual and want to meet others like you? Do you think once a month is "normal". This is so very important, because as you all know, mis-matched libidos, particularly in a long-term relationship, can have heart-breaking and devastating consequences, including divorce. It is, depending upon whom you quote, anywhere between the #1 and #3 REASON for divorce, and its the #1 reason that couples initially visit a couples therapist.

Question: Do you folks think there are intelligent and tasteful ways that this can be accomplished in a new dating site? I have my own ideas, of course, but I am curious what the general public thinks: particular the public that has experienced the pain and heart-ache of what a mis-matched libido can lead to.

I, and along with many others I know, think that mis-matched libido is a compelling issue of our times. I would feel quite satisfied if I could create lasting relationships through online dating by covering "all the bases" so to speak.

Thanks everyone!






Edited 9/19/2010 11:04 am ET by antiasexual
- Interested in cutting through the BS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 3:34am

<<...and noticed that women seem to WANT MEN TO LIE TO THEM. In other words, they would rather not know that a man is kinky and has a very high libido.>>

Ehm... Or they want you to be honest, so they can say "no thank you"?

What an odd conclusion you have made. In capital letters, none the less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 7:21am

It might be rather paternalistic to come out with a statement like women want to be lied to. Unless you're going to a sex club, the need to get all your proclivities out in the open even before the beginning seems

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 8:01am

When you're honest about kinky sex, what kind of kink are you talking about?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 12:48pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:16am

In the interests of full disclosure, I'm an HL male.

I guess the equivalent to your example would be that of the LL person who said they didn't much like sex or that they were a rabid feminist. Would not likely get many takers on a dating site (I'd run a mile). And who knows, they might miss out on personal happiness as a result (even if their partner was miserable).

From a Miss Manners perspective it's also not something that one is "supposed" to enquire of one's date early on in the relationship. It's the personality, stupid.

As Nietzsche said: Human kind cannot bear too much reality.

I guess, in serious answer to your question, if I wanted to use a dating site, I'd be more interested in attitudinal questions regarding equality and ability to negotiate and compromise than I would be unreliable claims about sexual behavior (which in any case are notoriously less stable than attitudes and beliefs).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:32am

Yup, that's what I get for deciding not to write a 3000 page essay like I usually do, with all of the typical caveats and "CYA's" written in. Read my other posts.

Cheers.

- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:42am

Alrighty. Obviously my question (written in a rush), didn't have my usual nuance and flair. Sheesh. Here we go with more clarity, and yes, thank-you for pointing out the obvious logical fallacies in my writing.

Issue: We can pretty much recognize that, generally speaking, mis-matched libidos can be an "issue" in relationships. Its obvious for the following reasons.

A) According to several thorough and recent studies, mis-matched libido is in the top-three reasons for divorce in the West. I did find one paper which sites it as the #1 reason, with money #2. Ergo: It's an "issue".
B) Forums like this exist in the thousands. Ergo: It's an issue of some importance.

Proposal: Please see my other thread. I am "seriously" interested in starting up a dating network whereby the issue of libido is involved. I am not trying to fish for sarcastic or cynical non-responses, but rather looking for constructive input. My last thread, quite frankly, was high-jacked by folks who wanted to merely relate their personal stories. I didn't relate mine, until I was asked.... and so on, but that is how it went. This question is meant to be a direct question, looking for direct answers, while leveraging the issue of mis-matched libido's (thereby staying "on topic", so to speak).

QUESTION: What format (on the web), MIGHT seem like an appropriate way for men and women to discuss their drives in such a fashion that match-ups INCLUDING this vital statistic would be factored? Quite frankly, I have spoken to many men and women who know me well, and many of them agree this would be a very nice feature, but they don't know how to handle it.

Regarding my statement "women want men to lie to them". Sorry, it was a stupid thing to say, although I'll bet many men AND women could still nonetheless relate to it. My only (admittedly sarcastic and stupidly put) point, was that dating is often about money match-ups. Why can dating not be both money/spirit/mental AND sexual match-ups? Why is this a problem? It shouldn't be. If I were a man dating online today, I think it would be awefully nice to know about a woman's interests, her mental state, her spiritual interests, her hobbies, and her sexual interests. Why should men and women have to go to Plenty of Fish, then go to Fetlife, and then go to E-Harmony, only to find they need to set up three radically different profiles with different "markets" in mind. It would be nice to cover all the bases...no?

Thanks!

- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:43am

It was an incidental comment made in a rush.

What kind of "kink" is irrelevant. It wasn't why I asked the question. I am getting thrown under the bus here. Please see my most recent post.

- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:46am
I don't think you understood my question. I am not talking about whether someone needs to come on "strong" or not. I am talking about HOW would you MECHANISTICALLY allow for a dating sight (theoretically) to permit individuals to tastefully describe their libidinous requirements?
- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-19-2010 - 10:55am

Hey, thanks for actually answering the question.

You know, I wrote the question in a rush and used stupid phraseology, and I am just feeling a bit of negativity here, and I find it ridiculous. I have been giving every LL question the same kind of respect I would expect no matter how many errors there might be in THEIR writing style, but it looks like when the HL guy comes out with his interests and sounds like a bit of a tard (and out of character), its time to f*&cking body-slam him, hey?

Yes, I am irritated. Not much forgiveness for shoddy proof-reading on this site. Now, on to your excellent and on-point response.

1) I guess the equivalent to your example would be that of the LL person who said they didn't much like sex

- Sure, and whats the problem here? Why can a man or woman not completely come out and say they were Asexual or LL? Quite frankly, when a woman dated me, and refuses to come to grips with the fact she doesn't like sex, that is a lie, and its a betrayal. Conversely, when a woman is up-front about her interest in sex, I always appreciated that fact. I always found it refreshing....she is "giving me a chance" to back out, or go forward.

2)From a Miss Manners perspective it's also not something that one is "supposed" to enquire of one's date early on in the relationship. It's the personality, stupid.

- That's culturally relative. Some people feel this way and others don't. My dating site would theoretically attract those interested in being up-front. Exactly why should we navigate our lives with murky double-talk and subtle hints? We aren't all culturally in that space.

3) As Nietzsche said: Human kind cannot bear too much reality.

- I am familiar with that. Perhaps that's why while we coast down the down-slope of the net-energy slide, that people are more interested in reality TV and snack foods than in getting exercise and enjoying each others company. Sorry, I just disagree. I like my reality completely real and up-front, and I am not alone, wouldn't you say?

- Interested in cutting through the BS.
- Interested in cutting through the BS.

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