How happy is happy enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2011
How happy is happy enough?
17
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 10:58pm

I originally posted the bulk of my story elsewhere, then discovered ML support.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 11:48pm

I have a few question to help clarify the situation:

1. Are you and your wife currently separated? From your post I gather that this is the case, given that you are living in your own place.

2. How long have you been interested in open or poly relationships?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2011
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 1:23am

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 5:26am

...I think you are "in love" with the other woman...I think that the other woman's libido hasn't been tested....I think you are wanting to "sit the fence" so to speak...you are wanting to test everything while the women in your life wait and your children and cat miss you (if you miss them at times, I am sure they are missing you)...be mindful at this point that people who do not want to be left (your children have been left in a sense...like I said, if you're spending 5 seconds missing them, they're probably spending a time period missing you) will react with desperation (probably quiet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 7:36am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2002
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 8:57am

Welcome to the board.

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 11:42am
wtf,

You've done this all wrong and all out of order. It is EXTREMELY unlikely that your wife will EVER agree to the type of relationship you want, because you've already destabilized her and made her unsafe and insecure by your behavior of stepping out of the marriage and lying to her about it.

I have an open relationship, I know of what I speak in more ways than you could ever know. The ONLY reason your DW even marginally agreed to an open relationship is because she knew you were going to sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want anyway. Nothing she can say or do is going to change that. You've proven it. You don't respect her. You do not treat her like a loved and valued person.

At this point, you need to let your wife go. What will happen with your AP remains to be seen, but your DW deserves better than to keep on trying to keep you at the expense of her own self-esteem.

I would, however, regardless of what you decide to do, suggest that you get and read a book that might make you understand what it takes to have a successful non-monogamous relationship. It is called "The Ethical Slut" and it by Dottie Easton and Catherine Liszt. I hope you can do better by your next partner than you did by your last one. Perhaps educating yourself will help you get there.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 12:56pm

Your username is quite appropriate. You are in one heck of a predicament. I don't see how you can turn this situation into what you want. I think it's fairly inevitable that you will pursue the relationship with the AP and leave a lot of pain in your wake. And one day, sooner than you hope, you'll find out that the relationship you thought you had with you AP is a gross illusion built upon lies and deception on one side and magical -- and fading -- new relationship energy on the other.

When the relationship becomes real, then and only then, will you really know what her libido is like and how willing she really is to accommodate your desired lifestyle. She may turn out to be who you think she is, but the odds are pretty slim. Is it worth it?

Regardless of what we say, I think the choice has been made on your mind and you won't be satisfied until you find out for yourself. As I said earlier, hopefully you won't burn down too many bridges along the way because you may find yourself looking to come back across them in the near future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 1:41pm
>>Your username is quite appropriate.<<

Actually, his username should be wtfDIDido. Cause the damage is DONE.

>> As I said earlier, hopefully you won't burn down too many bridges along the way because you may find yourself looking to come back across them on the near future. .<<

If his wife has ANY self-respect left, those bridges are burned already, she just doesn't know it yet. I hope for her sake he never sets foot on one of those bridges again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2011
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 9:08pm

Thanks all…and ouch Miranda!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 10:39pm

Do you think it is possible that one reason your DW might not be willing to be "playful and free" around you is that you have had affairs, and betrayed her trust?

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