I am such an idiot!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
I am such an idiot!!!!!!
15
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:18pm

You can all tell me I told you so.

He begs to get me back after I move out, telling me he has had a big shift in his life, and that he has been selfish, and what I want is not unreasonable (sex two-three times a week), and he actually "felt emotions" the last few times we had sex, etc.

Fast forward to a month later. I am again rejected, he makes "joking" comments about me being selfish and a sex addict. Tonight and the last time we saw each other he doesn't feel well, acts like it is a chore to touch me. Back to the distant sex, the last thing on his list to do for the day.

Why did I believe him? Why don't I listen to you good people?

Now I feel so hopeless I will never be able to get what I want. Am I really asking for too much?

Thank you for letting me vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 06-03-2010 - 11:40pm

Hi Autumn,

Yes, you ARE asking for too much -- from him. To borrow the notorious Dr. Schlessinger's image, you keep going to the local Chinese restaurant and screaming because there's no pizza. I do hope you reach that state of profound acceptance where you realize: he's not wrong, I'm not wrong, we're just fundamentally incompatible. If you stay with him, you'll be asking him to push himself -- again and again and again and again -- to do something that doesn't come naturally to him. Is that what you want for yourself and for him? Set yourself free and set HIM free -- you'll both be happier in the long run. And then start frequenting pizzerias...

JMHO Freelance




Edited 6/3/2010 11:46 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 12:09am
Thanks for your reply. I have told him I am not wrong, he is not wrong, we are just not a fit, I gave him Hold's speech many times, and then he states he has a "shift" and things will be different. How is it my right to say it is not possible? Perhaps you have some direct questions and words to ask/say to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 1:58am

Autumn, there comes a time where we cannot explain our beliefs so that another can understand them. We have to accept that the person will never understand and that's just the way it is.

When I left my ex, he promised to change. So I simply told him that his offer was 'too little, too late'. I told him that I didn't believe he would stay changed. I told him that under no circumstances would I return. And I stuck to my plans. Yes, he attempted suicide and all that stuff. But I knew I'd done what I had to do and that was that.

Thing is, he may always view you as never having given him a fair go. And it's his perogative to think this way. It all comes back to you and your faith in your own decision making.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:12am

There's nothing you need to ask him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:41am

<>

It's not a question of rights, but of playing the odds. Think of a fundamental aspect of yourself. How easy is it to change? You're essentially asking him to manufacture desire. Do you think that's an easy thing to accomplish? All his talk about "shift" or "feeling emotions" screams BS to me. He's on a political campaign to win you back, so he does what politicians do (perhaps without malice). Someone who really desires sex doesn't speak in such analytical terms. He just rips your clothes off.

JMHO Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 8:47am

"Someone who really desires sex doesn't speak in such analytical terms. He just rips your clothes off."

Well said.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 10:29am

>>>>> Perhaps you have some direct questions and words to ask/say to him? <<<<<


You have moved out, correct?

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 11:22am

There's nothing you can say or do to change him. It's time to stop searching for the right words to get him to become who you need him to be, because you simply can't. He's who he is, you're who you are and you're not a good fit. It's time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 2:56pm

Thank you all!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 4:52pm
Why should we be hard on you?

When you see it coming, duck!

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