I am suddenly LL :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
I am suddenly LL :(
46
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 5:33am

For those who do not know my story, I originally came to this board because my partner and I had a slight mismatched libido. He was lower than me. The situation was resolved - he really got the message and things worked well for a long while. Probably because he did not truly lack desire, but rather lacked initiative and had scewered priorities.

Now I am the issue. I have stopped desiring sex, struggle to orgasm and wish he would "leave me alone". We always go to bed together, but I am at a point where I consider hitting the sack ridiculously early to avoid the issue. Many times I do something for his benefit, which he is satisfied with, but I feel uncomfortable still. Semen has become repulsive to me and if I get some on any part of my body, I am desperate to wash immediately.

I no longer desire sex while on my own either. I don't fantasize or even think about it (except in negative terms).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 7:31am

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you. There was a lot in this post that stood out to me as "different," that I didn't quite know what to make of. Especially,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 7:39am

"I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you. There was a lot in this post that stood out to me as "different," that I didn't quite know what to make of. Especially,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 7:56am

Okay that makes sense then that semen would bother you when your libido is lower. The thing about the sexual preference and also your anger at him make sense. I know personally when my libido is high not much stops me but when it's lower, I do tend to get much pickier.

Has your libido generally been consistently high? Mine has just been all over the place and I believe many women are the same, where it's just not constant like a man's tends to be. It doesn't particularly upset me though because I expect it to vary. I have no idea why, but I can trace things in my life that have gone along with high or low libido. You don't seem overly stressed. What about your body image, and exercise? Do you have any signs of depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 8:06am

Thank you for wishing to help me figure this out.
I am "glad" you agree that my two potential issues could be to blame, though I naturally hope it's his anger issues and not my sexual preference. If it IS my sexual preference, I fear this might be the end of the relationship, as there is so little to do about it.

Onto your questions and suggestions.
I have always had a high libido, probably since age 10 (!). My sexuality started orienting towards guys (and not just something I did on my own) around age 14 and I have never said no to my partners since. From never saying no for a whole 14 years, I have refused or dodged sex six times the last four weeks. My libido has been such that we had to opt for anal sex a week after I gave birth, because I just couldn't wait any more. We also had sex up until the day I went into labour. Even with a baby with colic, we managed an average of 3-4 times a week. Now suddenly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 8:27am

...I think for some women their libido is greatly affected by relationship issues...you may be one of them...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 8:29am

Maybe it would help to try some different things. Even if they're not related to whatever the cause is, perhaps it could jump start it for you. Some ideas:

- First of all, exercise. For me it always goes with high libido although I'm not sure which comes first or why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:01am

Thank you for your specific advice. I will take all of it to heart and see which is within our/my reach. I already do excercise, but I desperately miss jogging which is a huge stress-relief for me. However, my partner discourages me from jogging after dark (which is the only time I have available), so it hasn't been possible for me yet.

"About the sexual preference

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:17am
>>To be more specific - I am submissive. I notice that I actually get really turned on (even now during my low libido) if elements of my preference is present in sex. Which is why I strongly suspect this is relevant, but I wish it wasn't. I find it really hard to push my partner further on this topic.<<

I have been where you are. You have two very separate things going on which I have experience with. I am going to address what you mentioned in an earlier post first. Here's what I am addressing:

>>We also have some major relationship issues we're working through, mainly involving his anger problems. He isn't violent, but a lot of my problems and concerns have gone overlooked for a long time because he ignores, sulks, says mean things and so on. We are working on it. Maybe this is related, though I have typically been someone who desires sex in times of hardship and it's a strong bonding activity to me.<<

Here's my take. You cannot want or enjoy sex with this person because his anger and method of expressing it make you feel "unsafe." You mention PTSD, so feeling safe is very important in your emotional life. You very well may be "switching off" because you do not trust him to keep you safe and take good care of you.

The other part I excerpted, about submission, is probably secondary, although it might be more, since the "newness" has worn off of the relationship. However, I would caution you strongly about approaching this part of the equation while the trust issues above exist. Him being more dominant or aggressive will not help if you cannot fix that first. As a matter of fact it will probably just make things worse.

Let me know if any of this makes any sense. As for dealing with the trust/anger thing, I do not know if it is something that can really be handled without some kind of good counseling. I've made absolutely NO progress with it on my own, and very little progress recovering my sex drive as a result.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:34am

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I would love for us to get some councelling on this specific issue. I don't think it would take a lot of sessions either, I just think we need some help to get past it. He says he is trying his best, I can see that is true, and so am I. Unfortunately, his internal response when someone is hurt or upset has been inherited by his dysfunctional family. For him it makes far more sense to focus on himself and his own emotions when this occurs. Which naturally leaves me hanging.

I thought that if I only showed him a loving way to respond enough times, then he would understand and pick it up as well. But that doesn't happen. A couple of weeks back it got to the point where I was crying and saying "I can't take any more. I am trying so hard, but I need your support" - yet he took the opportunity to tell me off and say it was my own fault the situation was as it was. As usual I was left having to defuse the situation and talk him "down". My original problem was not dealt with.

As for the sexual preference: I wouldn't ask that of him regardless. I cannot push the issue any further, I feel. He enjoys it when he gets it, but he is far from realising what a major part of my sexual desire this preference is. He talks about it as it can be compared to a facination for boobs or an enjoyment of anal sex, while to me it would come closer to being as important as sexual orientations like homosexuality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:42am
>>I thought that if I only showed him a loving way to respond enough times, then he would understand and pick it up as well. But that doesn't happen. A couple of weeks back it got to the point where I was crying and saying "I can't take any more. I am trying so hard, but I need your support" - yet he took the opportunity to tell me off and say it was my own fault the situation was as it was. As usual I was left having to defuse the situation and talk him "down". My original problem was not dealt with.<<

This pattern of behavior will not "go quietly." This is a very ingrained part of who he is. He's going to have to work at it, and work HARD to get it gone. Additionally, there are things you can do in regard to your responses to his behavior that will help both of you feel better and do better. I really think a counselor would do you both a lot of good on this front.

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