I don't know if I belong here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
I don't know if I belong here.
7
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 4:57am

Another cm referred me to this board. I hadn't considered it before because I don't feel like ML is really an issue, though the outcome for me is pretty similar in a lot of ways.

In a couple of weeks I wil have been with my BF for a year.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 11:06am
Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need us. Hope you will be glad you found us.

Yes, you "belong" here. You aren't having the type or amount of sex you desire. That is where we "live".

One thing you need to be is totally honest with yourself. What do you want? What can you tolerate? How enthusiastic can you be about various outcomes? No one else can answer these questions for you. But we can help you explore them.

Are you willing to break up with this guy over the lack of intercourse? You say the bleeding has lasted several years. Did you have romantic relationships during that time? What was the sex like? Did your partner badger you for sex while you were bleeding?

>>>>> Why can't I be happy with the wonderful thing I have here? <<<<<

Don't be too hard on yourself. Most people feel this way. Focus on the one thing missing rather than the many things they have.

There will be conflict in any relationship. But about different things. Don't leave a good relationship seeking perfection. It doesn't exist. But you could rationally leave in order to fight about something else. Is this your "hill to die on"? Or is it merely something you regret but not crucial to your enjoyment of the relationship?

Thank you for allowing us to share your journey.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 12:35pm

We do everything we possibly can that doesn't require penetration, and we do it fairly often. We have tried using toys, but I don't like it. I feel like they remove too much of the intimacy, and we are limited in our ability to have physical intimacy in the first place, so for me it just doesn't work. He is better at getting me orgasm by himself anyway.

I'm probably jumping the gun, but I'm going to start here

They do wonderful things with toys these days

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 2:07am
I was only in one other relationship when the bleeding had gotten that bad. He was completely disgusted by the idea of getting blood on him and so obviously didn't want sex if I was bleeding. It contributed to him dumping me a short time later, which was very hurtful.

I haven't ever considered ending my relationship over this though. He is worth staying with. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. I know that no relationship is perfect, and I told him that myself because he said, at one point, that I shouldn't have to deal with this. I'd rather deal with something like this than some huge personality flaw. But I love him so much that sometimes it's rather painful emotionally to not be able to do everything with him that I want to. At times it seems unbearably cruel to both of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 2:17am
It's partly that skin-on-skin or mouth-on-skin or whatever just feel more intimate to me somehow. Using toys wasn't the same. It's also that he's by far the best I've ever had and the toys don't really do it for me anymore.

"They also make hollow, straped on type toys, you could do penetration."

Ok, I didn't know that. I found some online and it seems kind of encouraging because a lot of the good reviews were from men with ED. I also like that they come in realistic sizes. He might be wiling to give it a shot.

"And I've heard that men can still enjoy a BJ if soft. Is he able to complete? Or does he not get orgasms?"

He does really enjoy oral. He didn't orgasm at first, but after a few months he did once, and it gradually got more frequent. It doesn't happen most of the time, but the fact that it's getting to be more often is a pretty good thing. One of the things that had really bothered me initially was that I couldn't give him an orgasm. Being able to do that has helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 11:28am

age of aquarius,

I would hate to tell anyone they don't "belong" here, but it sounds to me like you have found a way around almost all the hurdles that face you and your partner. I think this board tends to have a lot of angst and resentment, which may not serve you all that well..

Of course we are happy to have you here, but do not let our unresolved and unhappy natures influence you too unduly.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 1:41pm
Sounds like you guys can talk about the issue, and try new things to attempt to resolve it. Do not underestimate the importance of those accomplishments.

Suppose you find a guy who can easily satisfy you sexually. But you have issues in another area. If you cannot talk to him about it, and he won't make any behavioral changes to address the problem, I predict you will be horribly disappointed in the relationship no matter how good the sex is.

Communicating your feelings and desires and working together to solve problems and achieve goals is the essence of a relationship. I for one would be very leery of breaking that up in the hopes of somehting even better.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 2:00pm

Well, I asked him what he thought about using something like a hollow strap on and he wasn't down with the idea at all. Oh well. Sigh.