I don't know what else to try...advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
I don't know what else to try...advice please
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 5:09pm

I have been with my BF for just over 6months (but have known him since we were kids) and I've tried and tried but now I'm totally lost about what to do next...

I shall try and keep this brief. Basically he seems to find sex a total taboo, talking about it, trying anything other than your two basic positions. He's ok receiving oral but giving it appears to be out of the question. He has finally come round to the idea that I do need to orgasm occasionally but it's always post sex and is clearly a chore.

It takes me forever to convince him to have sex (he maybe instigates it once in twenty times) and when we do it's like a race to the finish, there's no passion in it, it's 2mins and off he jumps (no I don't think it's that he gets ahead of himself so to speak I think that's how he likes it to work), allows me mine and it's all done. He won't talk about it either so I'm working blind trying to find ways to improve the situation as I have a relatively high sex drive. I have tried spontaneity in different places around the house but last time I did that not only was finishing me off a chore but he actually watched TV and stopped what he was doing at one point because he became so distracted. If we could talk maybe it would be ok but it's just 'not to be talked about'.

Someone please tell me they have so kind of solution for me, I'm a big fan of sex and think if he let his guard down it would actually be great, plus I love him to death and we're only in our mid-twenties, it's gonna be a long time together if sex is barely present!

Thanks for listening (well reading!)

Miss G x

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2012

Your bf sounds like he would make a very good close friend.

Can you "love him to death" as a friend? Doesn't sound much like relationship material. I know, in my marriage, it wouldn't have lasted this long if he got distracted while being intimate. I want us to totally be into each other and our feelings and pleasures.

I think you might be barking up a wrong tree.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004

Holding's 2 rules for mismatched libid0:

1.  Do not get married until you have resolved it for a long time, otherwise it isn't fair to either of you.

2.  Do not have kids until you have resolved it for a long time, otherwise it isn't fair to the kids.

My advice?  Give it somewhere between 3 and 6 months.  Do not tell your partner there is a deadline.  Tell them how important this is, and remind them monthly if you don't see improvement.  At the end of the time period you set for yourself, if you aren't happy with your s*x life, do both of you a favor and break up.  Too easy to let it drag on if you love each other.  Six months is plenty of time to see if it can work.  Generally, the longer this goes on, the worse it gets.  If it is so difficult for your partner to change at the start, the odds of any change sticking long term is small.  Marriage, kids, mortgage, illness, etc only make this harder to solve over time.  If you can't resolve it at the beginning, don't waste any time wondering "what might have been".  Trust me, it would have been more awful than you can imagine.  Thank the lord you figured it out before marriage and move on to find someone compatible.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If your BF just think he's shy and he says he wants to overcome this, would he be open to going to therapy to talk to someone else about it?  I wonder if he was raised w/ the idea that sex was "dirty" esp. if you're not married, or he is just very inhibited?  I do think you have to be straight out with him that you really love him and would like to work it out, but you just can't see yourself staying with someone who is not interested in sex.   Otherwise, I just think this would be very unsatisfying to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012

Hi - thanks for your really honest reply (genuinely - upfront is definitely preferable). I don't want to fix him, he himself admits that it's shyness that causes his inability to talk about it and I think it's an issue he wants to overcome which is what I mean by letting his guard down.

You're right sex is important to me, but so is he...I guess you can't have your cake and eat it to so I need to decide what's more important. It's just a difficult decision to make.

Thanks again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003

<< Someone please tell me they have so kind of solution for me, I'm a big fan of sex and think if he let his guard down it would actually be great >>

Hi and welcome. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't think there's a solution in this situation -- at least, not one that you'll like. It's early days and your boyfriend has already shown his true colours. Time to fold your hand or accept that you'll be playing with a bad hand for the next forty years. "If he let his guard down it would be great" sounds like you think he can be "fixed." It's also your own interpretation of the situation. His interpretation is likely quite different. Have you considered that there's no guard to let down and it's just the way he is?

I've been on this board for many years, and the only ML situations that ever resolve themselves (and even that is quite rare) are in relationships that started off fairly well balanced sexually, then veered off course. If sex is important to you, and it sounds like it is, I suggest you seriously consider cutting your losses. I know it sucks.