I feel like crap

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2010
I feel like crap
7
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 1:18pm

W's father, already in generally terrible health--Diabetes, two strokes, broken leg that won't heal, etc--was admitted to the hospital today coughing up blood, and they found a mass in one of his lungs. He's having a biopsy tomorrow to see if it's cancerous.

W and I haven't made love in two weeks and haven't had non-"quickie" sex in months. I've been resentful, miserable and irritable and we've been fighting for a couple days now.

She just called and told me about her father. I wish I could say the resentment, misery and irritation evaporated but that didn't happen. As I hung up the phone I was thinking about how much easier all this would be to deal with if we'd made love to each other in the last few days. Sex with W can create such feelings of warmth and closeness and intimate safety while her father going into the hospital doesn't. I am clearly an a--hole.

So please add guilt and shame to the mix.

I need to go lie down for a while so my five year old doesn't see me crying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 1:25pm

...I hope your father-in-law has some resolution to his healthy issues soon...do you masturbate?..not a flip question, just curious...also, are you off for the summer or just for the day or are you a stay at home parent?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 3:12pm

Stop being like me. Stop being a wimp. Stop accepting the idea that you are bad and wrong for wanting sex. Or that your wife is morally superior for having a lower libido.

If you honestly believe it is bad and wrong for you to to want and need sex with your wife, then go into the kitchen, get a nice sharp knife, and cut your balls off. J/K! Don't do that. But seriously, why are you buying her line of crap?

You are not being an a-hole for feeling disconnected from her. You are reacting in the natural and normal way a HL reacts when they are deprived of sufficient sex and expected to remain monogamous. Most every HL starts to resent their partner. And withdraw from their partner emotionally. That is exactly what your wife should expect if she continues to deny you.

If she wants a person who feels amotionally connected to her. And who has the resources to support her in her time of need. And she wants to stay married to you.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 3:20pm
I know you will be tempted to cave in. I know you fear having your lack of support thrown in your face every time you bring up sex for the rest of your life.

Decide now whether this is your hill to die on. Either she accepts that the lack of sex will affect your ability to support her emotionally, or you are doomed to never get your needs met. Is there a better time to find this out than now?

Actually, you are in the driver's seat here. There will be few times when she needs your support more than now. If she gets it now, what motivation will she have to provide more sex after things calm down and she has less need for you?

In the end, women like your wife tend to find strength and toughness attractive. They want to know they can rely on you to protect them. if they can roll you easily, they don't trust that you will stand up to outsiders. In a wierd way, you may find that your wife finds you more attractive if you put her in her place than if you give in.

So stop buying her BS. You are not an a-hole. You are a red blooded man. And she can either be your wife. In all ways. Or she can support herself through this difficult time all by her independent I don't need him for anything self. Her choice. If she doesn't get what she wants from you, she has no one but herself to blame.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 3:33pm
>>will be few times when she needs your support more than now. If she gets it now, what motivation will she have to provide more sex after things calm down and she has less need for you?<<

I completely and totally disagree with you here, Hold. If he fails to support her now, to punish her for not having sex with him, he IS an a-hole. And she will know without a doubt that he cares more about sex than he does about anything else. And she will be even LESS likely to want to have sex with him. She is having sex with him once a week. I have a feeling she doesn't even really want it that often, but doesn't want to admit it.

Fakename, if you don't support her now, you might as well just leave, because you are already halfway out the door as it is. She IS making an attempt, she IS having sex with you. It might not be exactly the sex you want, but she is at least engaging. She isn't refusing to discuss options with you either. It sounds like she's discussed opening the relationship, so there's discussion of some kind going on there. Is that discussion going the way you want it to? I guess not because you want it open on YOUR terms....but honestly, if you want this woman to want to be with you and you want to preserve this relationship you might not be able to get everything you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 3:45pm

..I disagree with you Miranda...he doesn't have to be emotionally supportive right now...especially if he doesn't feel it...he can't feel what he can't feel...and, if he is always "there" for her, she will feel no motivation to be "there" for him...they each need different "theres"...but, this may be a time where he gives what he has to give and if that isn't good enough, then she can either examine why it may not be good enough or make the choice that he is not the man for her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 3:46pm

.by the way, why didn't you have sex last night? or wednesday night?...and, as an add on to my other post, if you expect sex tonight, well, that has been your deal and she should honor it...but, please don't expect to her to view it as an emotionally healing or connecting experience...at best, she may just lay there and think about her ill father...

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 4:18pm
Don't argue about sex in bed on on sex night. Discuss sex at some neutral time and place. Outside the bedroom. Even better, outside the house. Have sex on sex night. Discuss sex over coffee Sunday morning. After all, she is having enough trouble summoning the motivation to have sex. Don't add to her burdens by making her talk about it too!

Please understand that I write about your situation very passionately becuse I have been where you are. A wife who won't talk about sex. Who consents rarely. And who demeans me for pushing for more.

I tried to be "nice". To be understanding. To be patient. And she rewarded me with nothing but continual rejection.

I too stayed to be with my kids. We started working on the sex issue (with marriage counselling) in 1997. The kids were 1 and 3. By 2005 I realized it was hopeless. But by then I couldn't bear to leave the kids. Now the kids are getting close to leaving home and I am so tired and so beaten down I can't think about finding someone else.

I don't want you to end up where I am. Beaten down and broken. Decide now what you will do. If you are staying, go all in. Forget about sex (I know, easier said than done). Focus on what you have and hold yourself to the principle that you are making a choice to stay and whatever happens is your "fault" and if you aren't happy, make yourself happy. Volunteer. Try new recreational activities. Make new male friends. Fill your life. So that the absence of sex will be hardly noticeable.

What you are going through is not easy. Best wishes for you to find a way to hold onto yourself. And come through this stronger.

When you see it coming, duck!