I need a different perspective!
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 04-14-2011 - 11:32pm|
My boyfriend (of 7 months) and I have an absolutely wonderful relationship. We had a really sizzling start, amazing sex, and really just went for it. In the last 4 months, we have tackled some big stuff and came out stronger and really trusting and finding a love for one another that feels real and lasting.
The one area that really sticks out like a sore thumb is some misunderstanding around sex. I admit to having some self-esteem issues around how often we have sex. I am very HL, and I believe he is definitely average to high. However, in the last month he has had sex more often than not without reaching orgasm. He's always very generous to me in that way, but when I'd ask sweetly afterwards if everything was okay, he'd just reply that he wasn't in "that space" where he needed to climax. I took that on somewhere inside as a reflection of me - that I wasn't "enough" somehow. I asked him for that reassurance and he almost laughed at me, assuring me that it had nothing to do with me at all. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am.
Today (amidst some crazy pms, I admit) we ended up having what I thought would be a quicky and it ended without him climaxing. That hit a nerve and...long story short...later today we were trying to calmly talk about it and he basically said he's sick of this conversation, that it's not about me, and that he's just not needing sex a whole lot right now (for the last month, in his words), and that sometimes he just doesn't need to cum. I've never heard of this before...my only experience with men has been that they live for that moment. Almost to the exclusion of truly making love. This one is different. He REALLY takes his time and makes love. So why am I so fixated on the almighty orgasm?
We got into a pretty heated discussed by the end and he basically said that my nagging and questioning is really killing the ease and beauty of our sex life. He told me that maybe if I gave him a little chase, then maybe it would happen more naturally and with a lot more passion. That stung, but I actually agree with him. I need sex as much for validation and so anything that doesn't go as "it should" feels like some statement about my attractiveness, blah, blah, blah....I exhaust me. I can't imagine how tiring this must be for him.
I guess what I need to understand is that it's normal for a man to go through phases where he's just not that horny. He's 35 and works late nights, so his days are free. He often complains of feeling bored. I know how that can lead to a general blandness toward life in general. I just don't know how to untangle my emotions from that moment where he doesn't want to come. That's as much a part of it for me as my own orgasm. It truly feels satisfying to know he's let go with me.
Any thoughts? Give it to me straight.