I need a different perspective!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
I need a different perspective!
14
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 11:32pm

My boyfriend (of 7 months) and I have an absolutely wonderful relationship. We had a really sizzling start, amazing sex, and really just went for it. In the last 4 months, we have tackled some big stuff and came out stronger and really trusting and finding a love for one another that feels real and lasting.

The one area that really sticks out like a sore thumb is some misunderstanding around sex. I admit to having some self-esteem issues around how often we have sex. I am very HL, and I believe he is definitely average to high. However, in the last month he has had sex more often than not without reaching orgasm. He's always very generous to me in that way, but when I'd ask sweetly afterwards if everything was okay, he'd just reply that he wasn't in "that space" where he needed to climax. I took that on somewhere inside as a reflection of me - that I wasn't "enough" somehow. I asked him for that reassurance and he almost laughed at me, assuring me that it had nothing to do with me at all. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am.

Today (amidst some crazy pms, I admit) we ended up having what I thought would be a quicky and it ended without him climaxing. That hit a nerve and...long story short...later today we were trying to calmly talk about it and he basically said he's sick of this conversation, that it's not about me, and that he's just not needing sex a whole lot right now (for the last month, in his words), and that sometimes he just doesn't need to cum. I've never heard of this before...my only experience with men has been that they live for that moment. Almost to the exclusion of truly making love. This one is different. He REALLY takes his time and makes love. So why am I so fixated on the almighty orgasm?

We got into a pretty heated discussed by the end and he basically said that my nagging and questioning is really killing the ease and beauty of our sex life. He told me that maybe if I gave him a little chase, then maybe it would happen more naturally and with a lot more passion. That stung, but I actually agree with him. I need sex as much for validation and so anything that doesn't go as "it should" feels like some statement about my attractiveness, blah, blah, blah....I exhaust me. I can't imagine how tiring this must be for him.

I guess what I need to understand is that it's normal for a man to go through phases where he's just not that horny. He's 35 and works late nights, so his days are free. He often complains of feeling bored. I know how that can lead to a general blandness toward life in general. I just don't know how to untangle my emotions from that moment where he doesn't want to come. That's as much a part of it for me as my own orgasm. It truly feels satisfying to know he's let go with me.

Any thoughts? Give it to me straight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 5:25am

...I think he doesn't need as much sex as you do...I think he's telling you who and what he is and you're telling him with your reaction that he isn't good enough...I think you are placing your sense of how attractive (sexually) you are on his shoulders...I think that you both are completely normal and that his desire for sex will decrease with time and your frustration will increase...I don't think you are a good match for him (by the way, if he works nights, doesn't he need at least 8 hours of down time???...you said that his days are free...)...I think that you reaction is completely normal and even though you may receive some responses that you should try to unwrap your sense of being sexual desirable from his passionate need for sex, you probably won't be able to do that anymore than he will be able to need/want/desire sex more (we all have things that define our sense of self...some "use" sex, others "use" the amount of money they make or the success of their children)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 8:05am

Thanks for your reply zejayge,

I think this has a lot more to do with the amount of pressure I've put on him when I ask why he won't climax. He's a pretty down to earth guy, but when he feels pressured, his walls fly up. What I know is that when I am in a better head space (and NOT pms'ing), I am way more chill and this naturally happens on a rhythm that feels great for both of us.

But I tend to need to verbally process EVERYTHING and he doesn't, so my verbal inquiry feels like criticism and nagging to him. I can see how that would make him back way off. I am not okay with the fact that I seem to need sex to validate me in such a deep way. Part of that comes from a serious exbf who would use porn to the point that he wouldn't want sex (he finally admitted to 3 times a day on his own). He had a serious addiction around it and when it finally came out, I had already internalized his behavior as rejection. This old ghost comes up BIG time for me when we're in a moment now. That's my baggage that I need to unpack.

I think what I'm looking for is a reality check around the natural ebb and flow of another's sexual desire. He's said he's bored

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 8:09am

I should also add that in moments where I can stand back and "witness" my anxious thoughts creeping in, more often than not, if I ask myself "do I even WANT to have sex right now, or am I just seeking out approval" I can usually feel in my body that it's not really sex I need. It's almost that I'm so used to believing that I'll be rejected that I set myself up.

How great would it be to not have that repetitive thought constantly and to really see any lovemaking as a beautiful gift, instead of some meter of self-worth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 8:27am

...so, you do think he wants as much sex as you do? you do not think he is telling you who he is sexually? you don't think this is a mismatch? and you do think it will get better with time?...will you be able to separate what you need to feel sexually desired

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 8:42am

I think I may have mislead you a little. Let me try to explain. He has never turned sex down or stopped initiating. The amount of sex is really not of any concern to me. He works from 4-1am and I structure my days to allow for lots of time together throughout the week in the mornings or afternoon. He will often use those times to intiate. The weekends are usually guaranteed sex.

My initial cause for concern was when he stopped having orgasms every time. After only a couple of check-ins with him asking if there was something he'd like differently, or if he was okay, his walls came up and his response to me was very annoyed. That's where I didn't heed his reply of "it's nothing, sometimes I just don't need to climax, it's not about you." My baggage says it is and yes, that's where I need to start with a therapist. I've rung that bell too many times at this point, to use your analogy.

I am tangled up in making his lack of climax about me. What it feels like for me is that it's a one-sided experience. He wants me to get off, and often has the same kind of enthusiasm about my orgasm that I do about him, and so I do - almost always. But when he doesn't, I feel a lack of completion. I feel the same kinds of questions he's had when I haven't cum. It feels like a double standard in that if I bring it up now, it's an immediate shut out of me. So obviously, I've come to realize that it's not up for discussion anymore. And that's where I realize I am beating a dead horse.

Honestly, my bigger concern is our communication. I know it's something we both want to work on, but my verbal versus his lackthereof, feels like a wall sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:17am
>>I am tangled up in making his lack of climax about me. What it feels like for me is that it's a one-sided experience. He wants me to get off, and often has the same kind of enthusiasm about my orgasm that I do about him, and so I do - almost always. But when he doesn't, I feel a lack of completion. I feel the same kinds of questions he's had when I haven't cum. It feels like a double standard in that if I bring it up now, it's an immediate shut out of me. So obviously, I've come to realize that it's not up for discussion anymore. And that's where I realize I am beating a dead horse<<

I can tell you quite plainly from LOTS of personal experience that being hassled, coerced or forced to have an orgasm when you really don't want one, and just aren't "in the zone" starts to feel a LOT like rape. I've been raped, and I have a partner who has done the "hassle, coerce, force" thing (actually has done all of them at times) as well as guilting me continually about it. It has made sex as a whole completely unpleasant for me, and has driven a wedge between us where no wedge should ever be.

STOP IT! Right. Now. Get yourself to a therapist and start thinking about what will improve your relationship and bring you and your partner closer together, instead of what will soothe your own internal "issues." Stop making this partner responsible for what some schmuck in your past did. It's not fair to either of you, and it WILL ruin the relationship you have now. Do you want to give that jerk you used to date that much power? Didn't think so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:36am

...I stand by my response...he actually told you that he doesn't need much sex right now (sex equaling climax)...you've told him over and over that it bothers you...remember...once a nail is driven, the hole is there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 10:17am

I have three points for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:47pm

wow...okay, I am definitely hearing all of you. Thank you for being so straightforward with me. We had a great conversation this morning and we both got some understanding...he came to see that there's a need for validation at play with me via sex (like it or not, it's where I've been) and I completely get now how my verbal inquiry/questioning/nagging is a huge roadblock to sex, and a deep criticism of him. He finally told me in plain language this morning HOW it affects him. He hadn't said that before...he was being so careful not to state that part, and only to reassure me that it wasn't about me. I feel like such a jerk.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 04-16-2011 - 1:45pm

Hi

Goldfish

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