I really do love sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
I really do love sex...
8
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 11:10pm

I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We have been going through a dry spell b/c we have not had sex since...I guess the end of July or beginning of August. I am the one who has not been 'feeling it' when we are together. However, I do love sex very much, I think about it all the time, and I want to have a great sex life...but the man I am supposed to be having sex with at the moment doesn't seem to be doing it for me. I am trying to figure out why...

My boyfriend is overweight...so maybe that turns me off...especially since he doesn't even TRY to lose weight. I don't want to be shallow...but when I look at his big belly and chubby cheeks...I can't help but feel disappointed.

AND

I have a seasonal job that recently ended and I became sexually attracted to a co-worker. I began having sexual fantasies about this man...so maybe I am thinking too much about this 'other man' and that is distracting me from my relationship with my boyfriend.

AND

When my boyfriend and I do have sex...it's not like fireworks are going off. However, before the dry spell we had been experimenting with new positions and porn...and it helps.

Bottom line...my boyfriend is such a great man and I want to be with him...and we should be in that stage where we can't keep our hands off each other...and yet I feel like I'm part of an old married couple who have lost their sexuality and need to seek counseling.

I fear that I am not going to get that 'spark' back...I'm not even sure we ever had it, but he is a great match for me b/c he pleases me so well in every other area of our relationship.

Any insight to make me feel better or see things more clearly would be helpful...thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 2:39am

>>I fear that I am not going to get that 'spark' back...I'm not even sure we ever had it, but he is a great match for me b/c he pleases me so well in every other area of our relationship.<<

I can only speak for myself. Please take what I say for what it is: My personal opinion and feelings on this matter. It may not apply to you and your life.

Without the spark, it's not worth it for me. Someone being good on paper, a decent person and an excellent friend does not equal being someone I want to share my life with. If there's no spark and fireworks aren't going off when we have sex - I'll pass and move on to the next one.

The reason for this is simple: I don't like who I am when there's no spark. I'm a good partner - positive, loving, caring, giving, accepting, patient and trustworthy. But ONLY if there is that spark. If I admire the one I'm with, if I look at him and think: "He is sexy!", if I moan at the mere thought of the sex we will have that evening, if he gives me butterflies. Not all the time, naturally, every day life has to commence. But often enough to keep me relaxed on my toes.

If I don't feel those things, then I'm a completely different person. Trying to be the good partner I know I can be is an uphill struggle which I will often fail. I'll be miserable.

And what I have realised is if that spark, that X-factor, is there - then it doesn't matter what he looks like. (As long as he is within reasonable limits of clean and attractive.)

So was this helpful? Probably not. You may function completely differently.

But I don't know what to tell you to make you desire your boyfriend, so I told you this instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 7:58am

You said you're not sure if there

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 9:19am

Shark,

My post is going to be different than the previous two responses you got, but the same...lol.

First of all, the different part. It is not unusual for there to be some "cooling" of passion after a period of time. Sometimes it's called the "honeymoon phase" and it typically lasts for up to 2 years (although for some people can last anywhere from 18 months to five years.) There is a biochemical reason for this cooling. A molecule called PEA is responsible for the over the top lustful feelings that come at the beginning part of the relationship. Once PEA wears off, you will settle to what your natural and consistent desire level will be with this partner.

Now for the same part. If you never felt the "spark" with this guy, you are headed down a difficult road. I married a man I felt no "spark" for, and wound up hating myself. I didn't like who I was with him. I was unable to forgive the small transgressions and every day irritations because I wasn't "in love" with him. I became a complete and total shrew, no matter how hard I tried not to. I loved him, I liked him, but it wasn't enough, and it never would be. I divorced him, I set us both free. He's gotten remarried and seems very happy now. I am with someone else, who I DID have that "spark" with, and although I am not blissfully happy (we have a different type of problem) I no longer hate myself for being a fishwife.

I think you are very young, and you are still dating. This isn't a failure, it's a success. You've learned something about who you are and what you want and need in a relationship. That's what dating is FOR. Wish this man well, and part ways amicably, before it's too late. As a very wise and sweet poster here often says, he's not the right one for you, and you aren't the right one for him either.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 7:25pm

"Bottom line...my boyfriend is such a great man and I want to be with him...and we should be in that stage where we can't keep our hands off each other...and yet I feel like I'm part of an old married couple who have lost their sexuality and need to seek counseling."


Sorry but the chemistry isn't there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:00pm

I will offer yet another perspective.

I have come to the conclusion that love and lust do not go together, despite what society works very hard to make us believe.

Tell your boyfriend exactly what you told us. If the two of you get along great, he has every right to know how you feel. If the relationship cannot stand up to this now, it certainly will not in a few years time.

Something you need to consider is that he may well feel that spark, and will become frustrated when you do not. Many of us HL's on the board are in the situation of having a spouse tell us how wonderful we are, how they couldn't live without us etc., but this does not translate into lust on their part. Eventually, all that praise starts to feel pretty hollow.

You have to consider the likelihood that you will be "turning him down" on a regular basis (at best you will become a less than enthusiastic participant). Would you then be upset if he were to seek satisfaction elsewhere? If not, maybe discuss an open relationship that allows for some freedom but still keeps an otherwise great match together. If the thought of this DOES bother you, you need to seriously consider the situation you will be placing the two of you in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 5:35pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 6:09pm

"So, Second Fiddle, what's your story?"

So many questions...so few of them related to this thread (which I don't wish to hijack :). Feel free to e-mail me though and I'll be happy to answer your Q's. Most of them have been answered in the past - but my story is the same as Holds', the same as DMAM's, IB's, etc. etc. There have been many times when these posters have written things that could have been penned by my own hand.

"Why have you "come to the conclusion that love and lust do not go together"? Have you never had love and lust together?"

Perhaps I mis-stated. It should have been that they do not necessarily go together. I have both for my DW, but the lust is not returned...at least not nearly to the level that it flows in the other direction. But I also believe it is perfectly normal to see someone as purely a sexual object of affection without being in love with them. Likewise, it is possible to love someone without being sexually attracted to them....assuming I believe my DW when she tells me that she loves me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 9:36pm

Well I feel like I am slowly coming out of the rut I found myself in.

First off, I do not want to break it off with my boyfriend. I know I implied in my first post that there was never a 'spark' between the two of us...but I was referring to a spark in the bedroom, meaning that the sex was never MIND-BLOWING. However, it was good. I'm sure I can work on some things in the bedroom as well as my boyfriend. We'll see to that. Anyway, there was a spark between us in other areas.

We recently began having sex again, which means my libido is back. The reason being I believe is because I have decided to help my boyfriend lose those extra lbs he's gained. I think the primary reason for me losing my libido for a little bit was the fact that he wasn't trying to lose the weight, and that was turning me off. I talked to him about it. He loves swimming so I have been going to the pool with him almost everyday to give him support and help him. We also have been talking about his diet. I really feel that this time it is going to be less talk, and more action...therefore we will see a nice outcome. I am turned on just by watching him try. Being healthy is just so important to me...although I am not a 'health nut.' He was sporting a beer belly and he's only in his 30's...to me that is very unattractive.

I had also mentioned in my first post that I became preoccupied with this man I was working with. Nothing happened, but I do also believe that since I was thinking about another man quite often...that geared my attention away from my boyfriend and our sex life. Luckily for me I am not working with that man anymore.