i think i am not longer physically/sexually attracted to my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
i think i am not longer physically/sexually attracted to my husband
12
Mon, 12-13-2010 - 8:54pm

i am approximately three months pregnant, and i conceived via IVF. the process started in late september, and since then, for me, i have had little to no desire for sex or intimacy of any kind.

i find that i don't want to be touched, kissed, held, or cuddled by my husband. i certainly don't want to have sex with him either, and the thought of "doing it" completely grosses me out.

now, six months ago, i absolutely did not feel this way, so i'm assuming this is because i'm pregnant. i just didn't expect the feelings to be so strong. it's starting to affect him a lot, and he's bringing it up everyday about how much he misses being intimate with me. i obviously can't tell him that i am not physically or sexually attracted to him at the moment, so i just kindly explain that it is normal for women to have very low libido during early pregnancy.

is this normal? has anyone experienced this before? how do i handle/end this before it gets worse, and really starts to affect our relationship on a much deeper level?

sad and confused,

thewirefan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
thewirefan wrote:

is this normal? has anyone experienced this before? how do i handle/end this before it gets worse, and really starts to affect our relationship on a much deeper level?

I think it's fantastic that you're recognizing this problem. So many times this problem goes unrecognized and unaddressed. I congratulate you.

Normal? Yes, changes in libido happen all the time--quickly, slowly and in between; up, down and all over the place. Happens to all kinds of people.

How do you end it? Depends. Are you trying to end your low libido or his high libido? Or just the differential?

How do you handle it? Again, that depends. What are you overall goals for the relationship? I noticed in your description of the situation a rather telling "leap" in the narrative. You went straight from "i don't want to be touched, kissed, held, or cuddled by my husband. i certainly don't want to have sex with him...the thought of 'doing it' completely grosses me out," to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007

Loss of libido during your first trimester is a very common symptom for pregnant women. I've had lots of friends have this happen to them. With time your hormones will subside and you'll be back to normal in no time at all. Congrats!

Nalu

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009

...I am not minimizing your worries...and, I think that you should take action to continue to be an enthusiastic partner aware of your husband's needs...you should also be aware that your libido will probably (might) heighten throughout your pregnancy and sink again after delivery for a period...on top of that, your physical need/want/desire to be touched will be satisfied will all of the cuddling/skin to skin contact you will have with your baby in the months after delivery...so considering that, again..keep your husband's needs in mind too...I have had 3 pregnancies and three different reactions at three different points during gestation and post-partum recovery-stabilization...it'll be a roller coaster ride...but, it's not abnormal...just a challenge...(of course, all of what I've written is based on my experiences)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009

Like MST says, congratulations on addressing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I usually don't respond to a new poster unless I see that they are invested enough to have responded at least once more but... I think you are potentially sitting on a powder-keg here. Is your husband the understanding type that can tolerate this change for 3,6, or 9 months? Can he separate the 'real' you from the temporary you while pregnant? Is he patient enough to wait without resentment?

Only you really know. If he isn't all or most of the above, this could be the beginning of the end as this source of conflict often takes on a life of its own once past a certain point.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
wow, you make so make so much sense. thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful reply. i definitely hear what you're saying, and i certainly agree that while i can't control how i feel, i can certainly control how i behave. i will begin to behave differently, as i certainly do not want this to lead to more serious/deeper problems in the long run. and in answer to your question, i am definitely trying to end my low libido - not his high one. thanks again for your response; it is certainly appreciated!

thewirefan
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
thank you! i'm glad to hear that this is normal, but i am going to take steps to improve the situation before it gets out of hand! thanks again for responding.

thewirefan
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
"I think that you should take action to continue to be an enthusiastic partner aware of your husband's needs"

i agree wholeheartedly with that statement, and after reading your response and everyone else's, i've decided i need to be more proactive and try to meet my husband half-way. i'm also looking forward to my libido heightening in the near future! thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

thewirefan
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
thanks a lot for responding to my post. to be honest, i haven't really thought about if having sex would negatively affect the baby. i've definitely talked to him about my feelings, but he seems to have a hard time understanding. he has said (in not so many words) that i'm being selfish and acting out of place. i keep trying to explain to him that this feeling is completely new for me, and i can only really attribute it to being pregnant. right now, we don't talk about it, and he has said he'll "leave me alone" and not "bother" me for sex, until i'm ready. i don't necessarily want that, because i don't want to push him away either. sigh. i think i will take your advice and try to be a bit more inventive and find other ways to be intimate (maybe with a little sex even), even if it means separating my mind from my body temporarily.

thanks again for your response - it has given me much to think about :).

thewirefan
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
hi glenn 1962! thank you for responding. i didn't respond all day because i had a very busy day at work, and didn't have the time to read everyone's responses, digest them, and then respond. as far as how understanding my husband is, i honestly can't answer that question because this situation is entirely new to us. i do believe that he is having a hard time understanding how pregnancy can cause me to feel this way. the other day, he asked me if someone put me put to this, because it's weird for me to be acting this way. i've explained how i feel in as tactful and polite a way as i know how, but i don't know if that's enough. i'm going to see if i can reach a compromise with him - we'll see how that goes.

thanks again for taking the time to respond!

thewirefan

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