"I'll try harder"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
"I'll try harder"
68
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 8:44am

DH and I had a discussion once again about out "issues" in the bedroom.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 9:21am

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OK, he "should" want you. Where does that leave you? I do understand your desire (need?) to be wanted, but shoulds have no place in sexual discussions. It's not like being told he should want you will make a lightbulb go on in his head. ("Oh wow, thanks for reminding me. I'll be sure to want you from now on!")

It sounds to me like he's not much into sex, period -- or perhaps not too excited about sex within a long-term relationship. Anyone who's spent time on this board knows there are lots of men like this, though the popular media keep it a secret.

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like you'll have to accept him "as is" or reconsider the relationship. FOR ME it wouldn't be a big deal, as being sexually desired has never been important to me, but you're not me and everyone has their own bottom line. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't expect him to change. From what you've described, it isn't in the cards. Sorry I can't be more optimistic.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 9:25am

It's more then just wanting to be desired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 9:37am

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 9:55am

I already feel "bait and switched".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:14am
isysmoon, I can tell you are feeling hurt, and angry and frustrated. However, if you are invalidating HIM at every turn like you seem to be here, there's NO hope for your relationship whatsoever. Imagine if the tables were flipped...if he told you that you "shouldn't" be wanting sex. That you didn't love him, even though you say you do. The fact is he is DIFFERENT than you think he should be. He is NOT like you in this regard. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, doesn't even mean he doesn't want you, just means he feels DIFFERENTLY about what those things mean than you do. It sounds like he is lower in libido than you, and also that he might feel much less sexual with the daily stresses of life around him. He CANNOT fix this about himself, and it doesn't mean he's 'wrong' or 'broken' or even in need of fixing. Lots of people settle into lower passion, once a week sex type relationships and are perfectly happy with that. Obviously you are not one of those people. The key here and now is to determine IF he can meet you in the middle somewhere. I am telling you for certain that this cannot happen unless you can communicate RESPECTFULLY and OPENLY without blame, accusation and guilt-inducing. Those things will not help him or you. There's no "right" or "wrong" there's no "should" or "ought." Averages don't matter. What happens sexually between other couples doesn't matter. What matters is finding the middle ground. Working as a TEAM to overcome a problem in your relationship, not working on a crusade to fix whichever one of you is broken. If you cannot get on the same team, and recognize his position as valid and real and legitimate while he does the same for you, your best bet is to go your separate ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:14am

Isn't a sexual relationship an important part of a marriage?

Sure it is, but to a lot of people having sex once every month (or two) is enough to satisfy that expectation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:26am

I guess I don't have any history with this sort of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 10:57am
If this is how you feel, the best thing you can do for both of you is to walk away. You don't want to work on the problem, you want to blame, point fingers, denigrate and disparage. You are too unhappy and bitter to be productive in this situation. See an attorney. Set yourself free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 12:42pm

I don't call that normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:20pm

DH and I had a discussion once again about out "issues" in the bedroom.

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