Impotence and Getting Pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Impotence and Getting Pregnant
11
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 1:03pm
It seems that a lot of you have had similar experiences to mine and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. To make a long story short, my husband and I have battled impotency for 8 years. Over that time, I have lost nearly all self esteem, sexual drive, happiness for life and have gained considerable weight by becoming an emotional eater. This is the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with.

I long ago told my husband when he refused to acknowledge the problem that eventually my feelings would no longer be about sexual intimacy but about starting a family. Boy, was I right. I stopped taking the pill 5 years ago hoping that it would happen. About 2 years ago I tried to pinpoint the specific days I could become pregnant and would tell my husband about the "window of opportunity" in advance. I resorted to this only because, unless prompted, my husband would forget about sex altogether. I ALWAYS have to initiate or ask/plead.

The problem is, that even with Viagra, my husband is hardly ever able to E. He says that Viagra makes his chest hurt and makes him dizzy and as a result, he almost never finishes - he'll just stop right in the middle. I don't know what to do, I really want a family. I love this man dearly, but wonder if I am giving up true happiness and a chance to have a family. Yesterday, I showed him an article on home administered IUIs (the man would E into a container at home). He glanced at it and walked away. I asked him long ago to masturbate (in private) so he could determine if he can regularly E - like everything else, he hasn't even tried.

What other options are there? Has anyone else been through this (we are both in our 30s)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 1:41pm
I feel very bad about what you are going through. Basically, by marrying this man you not only gave up sex but also your dreams of having a family. For most of us here, the problem is limited to the incompatibility of sex drives. You have the dual problem of the inability to conceive as well. It seems to me like you would be happy at this point to have children even if your marriage would be completely sexless. If that is the case, can you convince your husband to see fertility specialists? Perhaps, artificial insemination can be used. However, I wouldn't recommend having children with him if the lack of sex will be a problem for you in the future. You need to decide what you can live with and what without. If he refuses to see a doctor, you are left with the choice between living in a childless-sexless marriage and divorce. Your choices are pretty clear. From the sound of your post, I sense that having children is very important for you. If you agree with that statement, I think it is time to give him an ultimatum. Otherwise you have to be prepared to live the rest of your life without sex and without children. I really don't see any way your husband will wake up one morning and decide to make a change (i.e. see doctors). I don't see how anyone can give you any advice to change your husband's mind either. You are at a stalement. You've been at it for most of your marriage. Something drastic needs to happen. Otherwise you will be in the same exact situation 10-20 years from now.

Just my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 2:24pm
Thank you for your words of wisdom. It is so very difficult. I sort of had said that this year was it and have the end of summer pinpointed as the turning point (before all the holidays, etc.) Like usual, he is just doing (or not doing) the same old same old.

Should I leave, I worry about several things. No. 1, would it be better for me to find a more sexually fulfilling relationship with a terrible man (I have had some great sex in my life and nearly all of the men were really bad). No. 2, Since it took 5 years of dating and 5 years of marriage to even get to the point of trying to have children, is it already to late? At 30, do I have enough time to start over?

My husband is a wonderful man and this "thing" is the one and only bad part of our marriage. I resent him for putting me in this situation. I feel like I have to pick sex over love.

It will never get better, will it? Am I doomed to a life of misery by staying in this marriage?

Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 2:39pm
The only way it will get better is if he wants it to get better.

No you are not too old to start over and have children. And no you do not have to give up love to get the sex you want. There are nice guys out there who want the same thing, someone to love them, a wonderful sex life and children of their own.

Have you informed him that you are thinking of leaving? Does he have any clue as to how unhappy you are? Are you prepared to take care of yourself if you leave? There are many things you need to get ready if you are serious about separating.

I wish you the best of luck and I know how hard a decision this is. Anytime you need to vent or just ramble we are here for you.

LR

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:02pm
Do you find that they say one thing and do another? My Husband says that he wants to fix this part of our relationship, however he never makes a move.

His response to my ever leaving is that if I don't love him enough to just go. I don't think he believes I ever will leave and if I did, I know he would be devastated and would be on his hands and knees begging for another chance. Last year is probably the only time he was scared that I might leave, he was devastated and stayed home from work for days afraid I would leave. After that, he did go see a couple doctors, however things aren't much better - he just avoids sex.

I can't imagine loving someone else and just wish I could do something to fix this for us. I would do anything to make this go away. On the days that I do get really convinced that I could leave, I remember that I am unemployed due to layoffs and have no income coming in. I couldn't do anything now anyways...

Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:15pm
You can't fix it on your own. It's a marriage problem and it is going to take his input (no pun intended). Have you tried therapy? Maybe you should try that before you throw in the towel. Have you talked to your doctor about it? There are so many different variables in CL relationships. My DH was depressed and over stressed. Make sure you have tried them all before you say enough is enough. He needs to understand that this is a deal breaker and if he doesn't hold up his end of the deal then you have to do what you have to do.

LR

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:39pm
Have you been able to mend this part of your marriage? You had mentioned your Husband was stressed...were the two of you able to work through that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:01pm
Erectile dysfunction.

There are so many reasons it can happen.

My dh has it. After years of being a stallion (good description)he is now a gelding. Best analogy I can think of.

Anyway......it IS hell to live with. It batters a woman a lot. If I were not the mother of my dh's 3 kids (3-13 yrs old) I would not be sticking it out with him....though I love him INTENSELY.

The last time we had actual sex.....it was kind of fun but I started sobbing during it since I missed it working so naturally and beautifully as it once did. I don't cry easily (I can count the times since I was a young child on one hand!)

It is a tough road....there are other women out there taking it.

I have no answers for you......just good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 4:28pm
For starters, the chance of an LL man with ED problems are about 1% of ever changing unless some new medical breakthrough comes about. Even then he'd have to care enough to go to a doctor and go through whatever proceedures it required. Not much chance in that. Then there's another percentage to think about, you have about 0% of a chance that your man is going to be in that 1% who might change. Pretty dismil when you really think about it.

I think it's better to look at it, when it's been years of the same, as something that won't change and may get worse. Wishing, begging, nagging, hoping, praying, none of that seems to work. Even a small change, which you might latch onto for some grand hope, isn't likely to last long. Let's face it, these guys are this way and will stay this way.

After reading here for a while, I find it's better to accept that this is your life if you choose to stay, and go from there. Can you live like this the rest of your life? That's the question, can you and are you willing to give up most of your sex life for love, finances, children, ect.? The answer isn't a right or wrong, but what will work for you. A very individual choice.

I'm not sure where the feeling that you have to be with 'this' man or some terrible man comes from. There are lots and lots of men out there who are NORMAL nice guys with decent sex drives. Of course the longer you wait the less men there are to choose from, but they are out there. So this question really is, do I want to leave 'this' man and start over, or do I want a sexless marriage?

The question about having children with a man who is impotent and not willing to really try a medical preceedure to get you pregnant, seems to leave you with finding a sperm donor or adopting. I guess if you gave him these two choices, he might wake up and try harder, but I don't know, and I don't know how you feel about going that way.

It all seems to come down to this, they are not likely to change and if they change a little it's not likely to stay that way; if you are with a TRUE LL you are now living the life you will be living for the rest of your marriage. The only thing you can really change is your goal or your marriage status.

Another thing that is very important, YOU didn't make things this way, YOU are not likely to become an LL but you may become very depressed, and YOU can't make HIM/HER change. Unless the sex drive is low because of a medical or psychological problem AND they are willing to get some longterm help, it isn't going to get better. I hate to be such a downer, but it might be time to quit banging our heads against the wall, and except the situation as it is, then make your decision from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 12:31pm
Thanks to all for your words of wisdom.
Avatar for ladyroberts
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 10:06pm
For the moment we are doing very well. He is on Zyban to quit smoking and it has helped improve our sexlife. I have one! LOL I used to be the President of the "Once a Month Club" for 4 years. One day he decided that he had promised melong enough that things would get better and that we would have sex everyday and we do. I will say it's not the best somedays but we are working on getting to know each others likes and dislikes. It's like we just started having sex. WE talk more about sex and it's not a touchey subject anymore. I still am a little guarded because I don't want to leave myself out there to be hurt...again.

His persciption is up in 3 months and the doctor said that I will be a member of the once a month club again. Praying that doesn't happen.

I wish you the best of luck.

LR

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