Is it really all about the sex--or lack of sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Is it really all about the sex--or lack of sex?
49
Sun, 01-23-2011 - 2:10pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>I have to conclude that a ML marriage can survive if the parties involved have a good foundation and can respect each other's differences and make each other feel special, sexy, desired...etc., instead of making each other feel like a freak<<

I've got to say that my relationship improved drastically when my DH stopped treating me like a failure, a freak or a liar. My declining sex drive is not my fault, I'm not making it up, it's not about HIM, it's not some kind of mental problem, it's actually somewhat normal (certainly not uncommon from what the doctors are telling me.) Once he got all of this through his thick skull the situation actually improved immeasurably.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007

I must say I'm happy that I can find folks here with the same attitudes I have about sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>So I guess sex might bond two people, until one day it doesn't.<<

If you are relying on sex to bind you, it's a slippery slope. Sex should be one of many vehicles to be used to bring you closer together, not drive you apart. It should be something that you use to reveal things to one another (not in the act of, but in the discussion of, in the exploration of) It is a means to and end, not the end itself. If it is the end itself, it will eventually fail you (imo.)

I'm discovering a lot about myself and my relationship because of ML. I am growing and my relationship is deepening. DH this weekend revealed that he is too. He is doing a lot more soul searching. He has come to the realization that having our one-way open relationship is not equitable in his eyes. He revealed that if I would be interested in having sex with another man he would be willing to allow it, even though it would be hard for him. This is an amazing thing for him to share with me. I am not going to put him through that right now, but I think that he came to this place all on his own is truly amazing.

Using our sex life as a place for us to come "together" even if that means one of us is having sex outside has been a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
>>I didn't mean that sex was our only binding mechanism. We were always on the same wavelength in many different areas of interest and enjoyed doing many of the same things. Sex was just one of many things we did together. What I was trying to say is that whatever bonding effect sex may have to bring people closer together, there is no cumulative effect. It can end in a day--any day--if one of the partners wishes it so.<<

I don't think he WAS binding to you in the way you think he was. It was YOUR perception that you were on the same wavelength and that you had many bonding mechanisms, but if he was that bonded, it wouldn't have gone the way it did. It's not something that just "switches off" one day and off you go. He was hiding things from you for a some time. He stopped trying to really bond. He started using things as vehicles to drive you apart instead of sharing with you what was going on with him. There's no other way to explain it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007

"FMF, MFM, B & D"

gees, I feel naive, but I don't know what any of those abbreviations are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009

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