Jealousy = Passion = Love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Jealousy = Passion = Love?
22
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:40am

I've noticed that several LL people seem less jealous than what I am used to.

Before I met my current partner, I wasn't really jealous. I considered monogamy a good idea, but I was fairly relaxed about it. However, once I got together with him, I had to eat up all those times I said: "Relax... What's the big deal? If he cheats, he cheats" and "Why can't he do that? What's bothering you? It's not like he is having sex with anyone...". Now I feel a twinge just from looking at the Christmas party photo where some girl is sat on his lap for the effect.

I am also far more passionate, in bed and out of bed, with my current one. I have to have him sometimes. And he makes me so angry... I never used to get angry about anything. And he makes me cry sometimes, even though I am not one to shed tears for small stuff.

And last, but not least... I love him. Something I, quite honestly, did not feel for my previous boyfriends. I thought I did, but nope... That wasn't it.

So... please don't shoot me for asking... could it be that some of you with low libidos simply aren't that in love with your partner?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:51am

For some, that is the answer. And yet for me, I don't think so. Here's why, in all the world I cannot imagine sharing myself or my life as intimately with anyone else. Could I give my body to another, yes. Could I share my hopes, dreams, and fears...no. I love him more than I love myself, and aside from my children there is no one else for whom I place their happiness above my own. I don't even have that depth of love for my parents and siblings.

And I can be jealous. If I thought he was more loyal to another or gave more of himself to another that would drive me to distraction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 11:52am

>>So... please don't shoot me for asking... could it be that some of you with low libidos simply aren't that in love with your partner?<<

Nope, that's not it. I've never been jealous. Not with anyone. That's why I agreed to the semi-open arrangement DH and I have on the front end of our relationship. I just don't mind. The only time I ever felt ANY jealousy, it was really just anxiety because I didn't feel like the relationship was stable. I've definitely been in love, I just don't have a proprietary bone in my body, and since I don't get the whole "sex=love" thing, I don't worry about it that much. Now if I see DH doing something with/for someone that he won't do with/for me even if I want it, THAT ticks me off, but otherwise, nope, don't care.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:05pm
...no, I don't think anyone could love their husband more than I love mine...I simply aim to do all that I can to make him a happier, more satisfied, content man...if I do all of that and he still cheats on me...well, that will suck, but I'll be ok with my efforts...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 2:46pm
DW is Lower L and also very jealous and possessive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 2:51pm

You might use the old trick that women have been using forever. Make yourself seem like you are getting more attention than you really are. Sometimes women send themselves flowers or candy, or just mention attention that they are getting in an offhand way to inspire a little bit of "jealousy" in their men.

It seems ridiculous to me and always has, but the again, I don't "get" jealousy or sexual exclusivity either, so there you go.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 3:31pm
I'm neutral on sexual exclusivity, I can understand it and also see how history continually demonstrates its difficulties.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:11am

It is naturally hard for you to understand, since you don't bond through sexual activities. If I had sex with someone else, I'd immediately bond with them on some level. If I continued to have sex with that same person, I'd probably fall in love as well. I'd start taking our relationship out of the bed and onto other aspects of life.

My partner wouldn't want to have sex with anyone outside of a relationship, because he is only interested in sex within a relationship - someone he knows well, trusts and is falling in love with/is in love with.

With two kids, full-time and part-time jobs + studies, whatever energy we have left must be spent on each other or our relationship will slowly die.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:31am

>>With two kids, full-time and part-time jobs + studies, whatever energy we have left must be spent on each other or our relationship will slowly die.<<

This I understand just fine. The rest of your post sort of makes me think of the explanations I have heard for bizarre mating dances in birds. It's interesting, and I know it is valid for them, but I just can't quite make it part of my worldview or see myself behaving similarly.

roo and snowy siggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:40am

>>With two kids, full-time and part-time jobs + studies, whatever energy we have left must be spent on each other or our relationship will slowly die.<<

This I understand and believe. But I believe this can be accomplished through coffee in the morning before everyone gets up, holding hands while walking, and cuddling whenever possible.

I also understand that DH has a greater chance of forming an emotional attachment to whoever he has sex with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:46am
...I think bonding can happen over coffee, walking, and spending time together...if one places bonding importance on those activities...I think my husband would find those "nice" ways to spend time together, but without a sexual relationship, I don't think he'd feel any bonding whatsoever from it...I think sex is a "nice" way to spend time together, but without the walking, coffee, and spending time together, I would not feel bonded to him...

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