iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2013
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 11:13am


First time on here, and just need some advice really please (I find it difficult to speak to people about this face to face, so thought I'd try this way)!

I'm 32, and my Fiancé is 37. I've been with him for almost 11 and a half years, while I love him to bits, he doesn't seem that interested in sex (although, I'll admit I wasn't really, but over the past couple of years, i've lost almost 50lbs, so I'm starting to feel a bit more "sexy" and slightly more confident in myself) - anyways...

We very rarely have sex, I can't even remember the last time we did - I'll hazard a guess and say it was May/June time this year and I'm starting to get a little bit frustrated - I've tried initiating things with him - sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't, think it depends on how he's feeling at the time really  - but when we do have sex, it doesn't last that long, and I've yet to be given an orgasm by him (or any man for that matter).

I still don't feel confident to get dressed up or anything along those lines, as I don't really want to be knocked back by him.

If anyone has any kind of suggestions or has gone through a similar experience, I'd really appreciate your help/responses on this.

Thanks very much

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
In reply to: Emmat1311
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 12:43pm
If you could become sexually virile again, you can encourage him to work out and lose weight, who knows, what worked you, may end up working for him also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2013
In reply to: Emmat1311
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 3:24pm

First and foremost, CONGRATS on losing weight!  That's a HUGE accomplishment!!!

Moving forward to your question...have you guys discussed the reasons to why he is not interested?  Maybe there's something blocking him from staying erect? I don't know if I am pushing the limits here to what I can and can't talk on here ( I am new ) however, we are talking about your sex life here, so I guess it's okay.  Anywho, I'd try and talk to him if you haven't already about why he doesn't want to have sex.  Maybe it's something you've never talked about or never discussed.  Sometimes men are embarrased to talk about issues they have and/or experience.  Does that help?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: Emmat1311
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 1:03am

  Fissy has the gist of this.  You are changing.  As you become more confident you are more assertive.  H has to understand this and not be frightened off.  Yes, men can get into a rut too.  You did mention 'when he feels like it".  Many men do not have a high sex drive plus you have trained him for 11 years.  So when his "mood" is for sex then you have sex.   If you are not getting sexual satisfaction it is you that needs to slowly bring him up to speed.   Timing is an important part too.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Emmat1311
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 12:51pm

If you've been with him for 11 years, and he's always been like this.......then why would you expect him to change?  Especially since for most of that time, you've been satisfied with his "frequency".  You're the one who has changed!  You have more self confidence now that you've lost weight.  In the past, he wasn't "turned off" by your weight, so what makes you think he would now be "turned on" by your loss of weight.  Some men are just not interested in sex on a regular basis.  There can be many reasons, ranging from low testosterone, to childhood abuse, to porn addictions.  Have you talked to him at all about your desire/need for more frequent sex?  If not, then it's time to start talking.

Sorry to tell you this, but men don't "give" women orgasms!  Of course, they need to know what to do to HELP them in that direction.......meaning lots of foreplay, understanding of female anatomy and sexual response.  Lack of orgasms goes along with lack of self esteem......and now that you got some of that self esteem have to learn HOW to have orgasms....and that is a function of your clitoris and your "g" spot.....but mostly of your brain.  You have to "allow" them to happen.  Meaning that you don't "think about it" just let your body take over, and you LET it happen. 

You two have been together for longer than most marriages!  He's probably gotten lazyier as time has gone by.  When you say "fiance" does that mean that you intend to marry him?  If that's the case, why has it taken 11 years? 

My suggestion is that you start talking to him about it.  Nothing will be solved until and unless the two of you start discussing the problem.  He may not want to discuss it.......most men are uncomfortable discussing sex, or the lack of it.  They take it as a slur on their manhood......but if you're not happy with things the way they are, you either have to fix it somehow, or decide that 11 years is enough time to find out that you're not compatible, and to move on.  You can love someone "to death" but that doesn't mean you have to be married to them.....maybe you'd be better off as just "friends".   You were very young when you got with him....and now you've grown in many ways.....and he's no longer right for you.  Better to end the relationship than to wind up having an affair out of will be even MORE painful if that happens.  Start talking........good luck to you!