LLs- why don't you want sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
LLs- why don't you want sex?
40
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 1:27pm

Wondering why, individually, "LLs" don't want sex. (I was going to add "Why do HLs want sex" but it didn't seem to make any sense somehow).

* Do you know why?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 2:51pm

I have never had a libido and spent years thinking myself as broken or freakish because of that. Now that I've done some exploration online, I realize it's not that unusal to have a very low libido or even no libido at all. There are some women quite closely related to me who are made the way I am. No desire to have sex.

What a low libido means to my life is that sex never crosses my mind except regarding the ongoing puzzle of how on earth it gains such importance in other people's minds. I'm fascinated that some people are such slaves to it and place such heavy significance on whether their bits make contact with another human's bits, or not. I understand love because I've felt overwhelming love, and grieved its loss, but not sexual attraction, because I've never felt it.

What LL means for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 3:22pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 3:27pm

Excellent post, OC.

As I've already detailed elsewhere, for me the drive to orgasm is quite independent from the drive for sexual activity. The former is quite high, the latter very low. Sex is neither arousing nor bonding to me so there's little INTRINSIC motivation to have it. That said, I have never refused a partner. (I dunno, maybe a handful of times in my life, but I can't think of any off-hand.)

Another reason I'm not driven to have sex: I have a bit of an aversion to some of the smells and textures associated with intimate contact, especially saliva, breath and vaginal secretions. I can (sort of) talk myself out of the aversions temporarily during sex, but they still interfere with my internal motivation to have it.

In my case, masturbation unlocked the key to orgasm but not to sexuality, if that makes any sense. I experience orgasms as highly pleasurable (if very brief), but the lead-up to them, during sex, is not compelling to me. Like OC, I am normal anatomically and hormonally, have no sexual abuse in my past, and consider myself adventurous in general. I also count two HL parents in my sexual history.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 4:15pm

More explanation...

"...even among those [asexual women] with a normal hormone profile, between 8% and 12% find it very difficult, if not impossible, to feel aroused. “Even if they do feel slightly sexual,” she says, “they can’t reach orgasm, so they aren’t very motivated to seek out a sexual relationship. For some of these women, testosterone therapy seems to increase desire, arousal and orgasm, but in others, it has no effect.”

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/features/article399873.ece

I've been reading lately about a suspected association between Asperger's Syndrome and asexuality, particularly in women. The theory is that the disorder of the senses might affect (dampen or block] sexual feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 4:24pm

...really quite simple in my case...first marriage, I wasn't attracted to my partner...second marriage, my libido is lower than my husbands...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:31pm
I can't figure out what I am or why....I think I was HL in the begining of my last relationship..but I really only wanted to have sex to "win" him. And the ways that I could entice someone made me feel tingly...so I guess that was a high libido?
Then I became adverse to sex..after he slept with my sister....sex became disgusting to me with him...I felt like I was being raped and I had no desire to become sexual with anyone else I thought all guys were pigs.
Then, I met someone new and I felt sparks of sexual attraction, deep in my soul....but when we touched...I still had some aversion. I tried to spark it...just about the time I was trying to learn how to enjoy it...My partner tells me he has no desire for sex....And hasn't since before he met me. Sometimes I'm very ok with that...and I don't reallly think about having sex either...So, sometimes I think I am LL. But, then when 4-6 weeks pass....I wonder if I'm HL because I start to get mad that we are not having sex. But, its not the act of sex that I am mad about...its the intimacy that I feel sex brings...I'm very confused as to what I am...and I haven't been able to figure it out for the past 4 years. We had sex today (first time in 6 wks)...It didn't really feel good to be naked...or awesome to be touched.....but afterward..I felt a little bit closer to him... don't know I hate that I can't even figure myself out!
Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 8:31pm

I don't really think I'm LL in any other context than my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 10:24am
>>I've been reading lately about a suspected association between Asperger's Syndrome and asexuality, particularly in women. The theory is that the disorder of the senses might affect (dampen or block] sexual feelings.<<

That is interesting. I took one of those "Autism Spectrum Assessment" things a couple of weeks ago and scored very high. I don't think I actually have a disorder, but I do have some of the hallmarks, however, I can reach orgasm (quite easily in the right circumstances) I just don't get that big of a charge out of it.

DH and I watched a bunch of episodes of a show called "strange sex" this weekend, and there was a guy on there who had PDOD, and I really identified with what he was feeling. There was a really wide array of sexual functioning and sexuality described on those shows, that's for sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 1:02pm

I believe Meston and Buss were doing a study of why people didn't want sex - the list is very long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 3:07pm

Really good question for me at this time.

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