Loco's Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Loco's Update
44
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:06pm

FLM and others....


I didn't want to hijack Hold's thread for a long update on me so I decided to just post a new thread.


For those of you who don't know me, I'm an LL with health issues regarding sexual function, divorced from my HL ex for almost 3 years now.

 

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:28pm

Thank you for the update.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 4:08pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 4:38pm

Thanks for your interesting perspectives & honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 8:30pm

To all: if you're at all interested in some of my background, look up message #9238.45. Anyway, on to the answers....

<>

The simple answer here is yes, I feel that my pattern of losing interest would end up making any serious relationship unsustainable. People tell me there are men out there that would be thrilled with little to no sex but I haven't found any yet.

One of the reasons why I don't date is so that I don't let myself get to the point where I might get too emotionally involved with a man. I know from decades-long harsh experience (married 17 yrs to my ex) that living with a partner that feels as I do is really not fair to a man over the long term. He might think he can handle it -- or worse, try to "change" me in some way -- and I might want him to and believe it for a while, and then? Then I'd just be back in the same old boat. I can't live with hurting another human being like I did my ex, not and have any self-respect. I am fully aware of my physical problems and of my inconsistent desire patterns/libido and therefore it's up to me to set the tenor of any relationship.

<<...On this board there are certainly people who are valuing their partners very highly (otherwise they wouldn't be here), and they are not getting anything physical from their partners.>>

You are very right on some levels. While I believe that the HLs here genuinely wish to understand the perspectives of their LL partner and to find some sort of understanding, empathy and enlightment, I don't believe they're here for those reasons only. I think they're also here in the hopes that they will find some way, if it is at all possible, to reignite that spark of whatever it was that brought them together with their partner in the first place. They're willing to endure the lack of physical interaction, but not to go all the way into accepting it. And really, who can blame them? I don't. It's why I choose not to create a situation where that has a possibility of occurring.

<<>

In some ways, not being able to have sex makes me want it all the more -- it's the age-old reverse psychology response (like dieting, etc.)I have medical issues, I have LL, but I am still a human being with the desire to communicate by physical touch. I enjoy the feeling of a man's body and the warmth and comfort in physical interaction. In the short term I am all about feeling special and being wanted because it gives me pleasure, not necessarily SEXUAL pleasure. I have learned, though, that the power of a sexual encounter -- i.e., I know he wants me -- is a heady feeling that can help to spark what little baseline desire exists within me. Initial excitement is often the most intense sexual feeling I experience, and it is almost always the ONLY feeling that will get me to attempt to push past my pain, even though that excitement only rarely lasts beyond the entire first 30 minutes of any encounter.

I like short encounters, without long term strings, because I am under no obligation to provide the man with the entirety of his sexual experience. I am simply not up to that task. I have learned that for me, sex is more pleasureable when I am not sure about the man. I like thinking that I am delivering a gift instead of providing a service.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 2:22am

While I believe that the HLs here genuinely wish to understand the perspectives of their LL partner and to find some sort of understanding, empathy and enlightment, I don't believe they're here for those reasons only. I think they're also here in the hopes that they will find some way, if it is at all possible, to reignite that spark of whatever it was that brought them together with their partner in the first place. They're willing to endure the lack of physical interaction, but not to go all the way into accepting it.


I realize you have the best of intentions here, but I can't help but feel a little defensive about this statement. I think many of us HL's are accepting the lack of physical interaction. It's not an overnight process and everyone moves at their own pace. And some of us find that that lack

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 5:33am
And others of us are accepting of the person and their natures, but NOT accepting the lack of sex, nor that behaviorally, that
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 5:38am

So have you tried anything through the Aven forum?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 12:33pm

<<

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 1:18pm

Thanks for the update - doesn't sound unreasonable or anything to me, sounds a lot of fun in your circumstances.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 2:30pm

I think she is saying she doesn't only want a series of short term relationships.

When you see it coming, duck!

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